We know that the world has only paid lip-service to peace on Earth since 1914, despite Yoko Ono’s claim that she and John Lennon ended the Vietnam War by endlessly droning “Merry Xmas — war is over”. These days, however, the notion of goodwill toward men (and women) seems just as distant. To revise the famous lyrics sung by St Cliff, the mean spirit of Christmas appears less about mistletoe and wine than misanthropy and whingeing.

Take, for example, the merry Christmas tale of a ban on “coughers” on public transport. From now until the spring, one carriage on commuter trains into Fenchurch Street station, London, will be designated a “cough-free zone”, following on from smoke-free trains and mobile-phone-free carriages. Perhaps they should simply introduce a people-free zone, where one can avoid the risk of mixing with one’s disgusting fellow passengers altogether.

This ridiculous initiative is backed by Benylin, the cough medicine manufacturer, whose survey found that 47 per cent of commuters welcome a cough-free zone. One consumer healthcare expert says it is good that “commuters can travel in an environment where coughers are outside their personal space”. This raises the ticklish question of whether “coughers” should be made to emulate smokers in pubs, and hang around outside the train door if they are gasping for one.

The crusade against smoking in public places has become the most familiar vehicle for official warnings that Other People Are Ruining Your Life. But a similar spirit of bad will towards men lurks behind other health and lifestyle campaigns this Christmas. Look again at the panicky plans to deal with a hypothetical avian flu pandemic by banning football matches and closing public transport. Or the latest warnings about somebody spiking your drink in the pub — not just with drugs, but with alcohol. Or the moves to stop children sitting on Santa’s knee. The message this panto season is: “They’re behind you!”

Our society lost faith in God many Christmases ago. Now we are in danger of losing faith in our humanity. It is not only that we mistrust others. We hardly seem to trust ourselves to cope with life. That is why we are bombarded with all those patronising “if the turkey doesn’t get you, the tinsel might” health and safety warnings.

We are at the end of the year when the public response to the Asian tsunami and the London bombings reminded us that the true spirit of solidarity is alive. Yet many in authority seem determined that we should look upon each other — be we smokers, binge-drinkers or coughers — as if we were suspected suicide bombers. Anyone for a bile-free zone this Christmas?

• THERE WAS another flap after Gordon Ramsay helped to slaughter six turkeys, which he had reared in his garden, on Channel 4. The chef said he wanted his children to know where their Christmas dinner came from. Compassion in World Farming agreed that people should know “what animals go through” to feed us. But People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals protested: “There is nothing compassionate about slaughtering an animal so Ramsay and his family can dine on its decomposing body parts.”

  This tastes like a supersize helping of overcooked nonsense all round. I don’t want my young children to be too squeamish about killing poultry or pests. But neither do I hold with all this “back to nature” stuff. It is a good thing that we have moved away from a peasant economy where people kill chickens in their own gardens, to a civilised division of society’s labour where we buy them from professional poultry farmers. Our children should know the facts of life and death. But I would be perfectly happy if, when asked if they know where their turkey comes from, they replied: “Tesco.”

  Mick.Hume@spiked-online.com

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