We saw the end result yesterday when the Defence Secretary gave a statement called Iraq Roulement. Obviously, part of being taken seriously is to use foreign words as often as possible. Mais oui! C’est vrai! It’s not his fault if some ignorant souls thought he was going to talk about chocolatey desserts. What a blow to find that roulade was off the menu and the agenda for the day.

Mr Reid’s words appeared with the speed of a turtle on crutches. It was as if his vocal cords were being played at the wrong speed. Slowly. And. Surely. He. Explained. That. Nothing. Much. Has. Happened. In. Iraq. I won’t continue with that, but I’m sure that you can see how very irritating it was. He kept his voice low and even. It made you want to scream, but then Mr Reid would have just shaken his head in slo-mo and said: “Tut. Tut.”

He had come to tell us that the number of our troops in Iraq is being cut by 800. It means nothing, by the way, which is why he was in the Commons making a statement. Most of all, it is not part of an exit strategy. The statement was more a rallying cry (or, in his case, a rallying drone) and a chance to tell us that civil war in Iraq is neither imminent nor inevitable.

This made us think that it might be both but what we could all see was that civil war in the Labour Party was already upon us. Mr Reid’s performance was watched by seven Labour MPs, almost all of whom were antiwar. In terms of ratings, at least from his own side, Mr Reid was in Davina McCall territory. He was watched by twice as many Tories, all of whom were pro-war and pro-Reid. Not for the first time, the Labour front bench had more support from the Opposition than anyone else.

The Tories had the heavyweights too. By this I mean Nicholas Soames. He is rarely spotted since he left the front bench to spend more time with his lunch. Yesterday he was there to pay one of his magnificent tributes in his magnificent voice. “I declare an interest,” he began, although he did not elaborate on what this interest was before he allowed his tribute to flow. But his mellifluous tones were marred by a sniper. “Profiteer of war!” cried the Labour MP Harry Cohen. “Profiteer of war!” “Order! Order!” barked the Deputy Speaker at Mr Cohen. “The remarks being made from a sedentary position are offensive. I suggest you withdraw them.”

“They are true,” yelped Mr Cohen. “But I withdraw them.”

As soon as Mr Soames finished his tribute to our forces, Mr Reid jumped up to pay tribute to the force that is Mr Soames.

A second later, though, Mr Cohen was on his feet again, this time attacking the Government and its lack of exit strategy. Mr Reid responded more in sorrow than in anger. I tell you, it is as if he has been hypnotised or something.

Others were not so steady, though. Later another Labour MP jumped up to demand more information on Mr Soames’s mysterious interests in Iraq. Were they, he demanded, anything to do with restaurants? So now we were back to roulade, I’m afraid, and everyone looked over at the sizeable place on the Tory benches that had been occupied by Mr Soames. But he was already gone, for it was time for tea.

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