YOU HAVE to feel sorry for the good people of Wimbledon. As well as having to tolerate tennis fans every summer, they also live in one of those constituencies with a small Labour majority. In May, not only will the streets be awash with baby-kissing politicians, the public won’t even feel safe in the comfort of their living rooms. For the Tories have decided to hire professional telephone canvassers to cajole voters in marginal seats into believing that it is the natural party of government again.

Obviously the party will have done its research, commissioned a focus group, and had a few PowerPoint presentations by earnest twentysomethings which prove . . . But that is the point! Enough. We have only just managed to rein in the charity muggers who were making supermarket shopping such a fraught activity. And at least charities, even if the “chuggers” are paid, give the impression of working on behalf of other suffering human beings. So what is the politicians ’ excuse?

Haven’t the Tories cottoned on to the fact that people don’t like politicians, and one reason is that they are far too professional? We already have full-time, paid mayors, a Scottish Parliament full of professional politicians and their numerous staff, the threat of even more jobs for the boys in the regional assemblies, and a phalanx of MEPs. Soon there will no doubt be an elected and salaried House of Lords as well.

Meanwhile the parties get increasingly unpopular — Labour Party membership has halved since 1997 and election turnouts continue to decline. Yet the politician’s solution to all this politicking is more professionals, more politicians. It is bad enough being phoned up from India and asked if you fancy a new conservatory. But being chatted up by a well-paid smoothie? If the Tories had any sense they would make a virtue of amateurism, and actively go against this trend.

Indeed, if Michael Howard really wants to be the next Prime Minister, he should go on holiday the moment the next election is called, leaving Tony Blair and Charles Kennedy to babble on emptily about equality and public services. Don’t call any press conferences, don’t do any interviews, and don’t make any party political broadcasts. Rather, he should just put on a pair of shades and keep his mouth sealed with gaffer tape. It would be a shoo-in.

The author writes the website www.publicinterest.co.uk