LAURA BUCKLEY and her husband have had some pretty ferocious rows in their time, but in the end it was his apathy that drove her to another man’s bed.
One night she arrived home late from work and walked into the sitting room and Andrew, who was watching golf highlights on television, failed to look up. “I can take screaming matches but I can’t take indifference,” she says, shaking her head. “He wanted me to know that he couldn’t care less about me being there. My physical presence in a room was irrelevant to him. Well, I’m afraid my ego is too delicate for that.”
Three weeks later she slept with a man she had met through her work with an IT company; he had been flirting with her for months. It happened at his house (he is divorced), and by the time she was in the cab on the way home she knew she wanted more. “It’s the best thing I could have done,” she says. “I don’t feel as resentful towards Andrew for taking me for granted these days. I feel more like my old self — someone who is half way attractive and confident.”
A few drinks later, though, and Laura, 37, will weepily admit that she can’t face spending the rest of her life with Andrew. She no longer finds him physically attractive but she can’t bear to hurt him or confront the massive upheaval of separation.
By 11pm, with numerous text messages sent to and received from her lover, she is owning up to something else — more to herself than to me. She was actively looking for an excuse to cheat on her husband because she was bored. She chose to overreact that night because she knew she would sleep with her lover sooner or later and she wanted an explosive argument to ease her conscience. The affair has lasted, sporadically, for five months.
Whatever you think about the morality of Laura’s actions, she is far from a rarity. This summer has seen a torrent of surveys and statistics claiming that the number of married women having affairs is increasing; one academic who conducted her own research claims that the figure is as high as 60 per cent.
Newsweek, the American current affairs magazine, devoted its cover to the phenomenon with the screamer: “The Secret Lives of Wives: Why They Stray”, together with its own statistics to suggest that philandering wives are a growing breed. A British survey of divorce lawyers has found that in 45 per cent of cases where infidelity is cited women are the guilty party — a figure which appears to explode the popular assumption that it is men, not women, who generally play away from home. There are various possible catalysts: the internet, women’s increased financial independence, more women in the workplace, unrealistic expectations of marriage. Friends Reunited has been credited as the culprit behind this year’s divorce figures (they are at a seven-year high, with 153,490 couples divorcing in 2003), though of course this is unprovable.
This is the trouble with adultery; unlike divorce, by nature it happens in secret and is therefore unauditable. We have to rely on anecdotal evidence and the odd survey. All of the women I spoke to for this article insisted, for obvious reasons, on anonymity.
One truth, though, does seem to be emerging from the mist of unofficial data. More women are owning up to extramarital sex than before because in certain circumstances (“I’m taken for granted”, “I work so hard I deserve it”, “My husband gives me no attention”) many don’t see it as shameful. Indeed, some see it as their entitlement. And, crucially, this means they don’t feel guilt.
Gillian, 46, a teacher and mother of three, is a classic exmple. By her own admission she is “hardly the predator type” but she cherishes the memory of her affair last year. “If someone had told me 15 years ago that I would have an affair in my forties I would have thought they were barking mad,” she says. “As it turns out it was one of the most joyful experiences of my life.”
At the time she was working full-time at college while her husband, who was struggling to set up his own company, worked ridiculous hours. Though she had the help of a childminder Gillian says that at times she felt so under pressure she “couldn’t breathe”. Hers is the steady wage and the mortgage depends on it. But her husband was unsupportive. “He seemed to think that because I had a childminder everything was whoopidoo for me; he was the one with all the worries and responsibilities because of the business. Every day just felt like chaos — getting kids up, fed, washed and then having to look composed and enthusiastic at work when all you want to do is go to bed. Half the time I felt I was standing in front of one of those machines that fire tennis balls at you and they never stop coming. I needed someone to put their arms round me and ask me how I was.”
Someone did. Gillian found herself moaning about her problems to a slightly younger colleague at work. “He would say all the things I needed to hear — that I was doing an amazing job of everything, that he admired me. When he started to tell me I was beautiful it was like a light going on,” she says. “Greg hadn’t said that to me since our first child was born. From being totally exhausted I was suddenly energised all the time. I was pathetic. I used to sing while I was driving to work.”
Gillian’s affair lasted for just under a year. They would snatch time here and there at her lover’s house and once managed a night in a hotel. It ended when he moved away to take up another job. Gillian was so miserable that even her husband noticed and she ended up confessing. “I told Greg I didn’t feel guilty and would do it all again because I was so unhappy and to his credit he listened. He was furious and walked out for a couple of nights but afterwards he said he hadn’t realised how I was feeling. I don’t think I’d ever have had the courage to leave — I wouldn’t put the children through that — but it’s made me realise that I’m still young enough to need passion. Life is still chaotic and sometimes I think, ‘Today’s when I cave in’, but I get more support from Greg now. We are still a bit shaky in the marriage but I think it might have improved things. I certainly don’t regret it.”
