Wednesday 12 January

That was some day at work. I really don’t know why Read It Here bother with a branch in Sutton Coldfield. Hacked my way through Stephen King’s Desperation for the 52nd time. Still great! Around three, I was rudely interrupted by Alan — my boss — in Dark Lord of the Sith mode.

Apparently (!), the man at my counter had been waiting for 15 minutes! Apparently (!!), I had been ignoring him the whole time! And apparently (!!!??!?), when he pestered me, I gave him a two-fingered salute!

Yes — I explained to Alan — it was a salute. No, it was not two-fingered, it was four-fingered — an imitation of the Vulcan greeting beloved of Mr Nimoy (aka Spock). What I’d meant was “Live long and prosper and I’ll be with you at the end of the chapter”.

I’ve written at length about Stephen King, for my Dr Spock salute.

Thursday 13 January

I am angry. Alan comes up to me today and says “What’s a Dark Lord of the Sith?” I’m understandably appalled. Hasn’t he read any of the 400 Star Wars novels? “No, I prefer literary fiction,” he says.

I am about to argue back, but this ground has been very well trodden (see previous post: “Stephen King or Salman Rushdie? Plot versus Adjectives”).

So I explain to him about the Sith, how they’re the ultimate force for evil, the focus and channel for all the hatred of the Universe. I bite my tongue just before blurting out: “Just like you, Alan.”

Alan goes home. Next thing I know, I’ve been reported for offence to co- workers and bringing Read It Here into disrepute. I mean! Alan says head office are sending Jackie to interview me and report back. It’s ridiculous. They know I’m innocent. Why do I have to go through this merry dunce?

Friday 14 January

Dunce!? I meant dance! Jackie isn’t a dunce. Jackie, if you’re reading this and thinking of reporting me to the board, that was a typing mistake. Honest. So that’s why you were so off with me! That’s why you didn’t respond to my flirting or witty quips from Monty Python!

PS: Since when has “merry dunce” been a phrase any- way? What are you? Stupid?

Saturday 15 January

The merry dunce fired me. But I must be positive. I’m writing a book. For the first chapter of A to Z by author: Or how I learnt to stop helping and say: ‘Can’t you f***ing find it yourself?’

Monday 17 January

Why is everyone paying my weblog such attention?! Don’t they know it’s just the rantings of a boring and alienated man with too much time and too little sanity (see previous posts: “Jesus Christ: Robot Messiah” and “I’m Voting Respect”) At least Trudi is standing by me — dear Trudi — bless her poor, ignorant soul!

Tuesday 18 January

Trudi’s kicked me out! In hindsight, perhaps it was reckless of me to chronicle last year’s affair with a Buffy fan from Erdington (see previous posts: “Red Hot Betrayal” and “Fangs to remember you by”). Still, no love lost. Anyone free Saturday?