Ever felt like “proving” something to your lover; perhaps that you earn more, are cleverer or even cooler? Or have you felt uneasy when they tried too hard to win a game you were playing? A bit of joshing rivalry can be part of any pair’s daily discourse, but for some couples the urge to compete gets out of control and then it can become a threat to their relationship.

Competitive behaviour is an essential part of human nature. Over millennia the fastest, most cunning and innovative have survived in ever-changing circumstances, from feast to famine, from peacetime through power struggles. And we haven’t evolved out of it: we elbow each other for jobs, money, our managers’ attention, academic achievement and at sport. We want the trendiest fashions, to host the best dinner party, to have read the latest book and to have something witty to say about it.

This is one reason why our romantic relationships are held in such high esteem; they are supposedly elevated above the cut and thrust of our competitive lives. We expect them to be nurturing, supportive, a respite from this endless strain on our emotional energy.

So why does it go wrong for couples who are destructively competitive? Psychologically, there are many reasons. First, insecurity can drive one or both partners to always have to be right or to be the best. Second are family influences: parents are the role model for our relationships and if daddy shoved mummy out of the way for a good shot when playing doubles, you’re likely to do the same.

Finally, and perhaps easiest remedied, is competitive behaviour through habit. If a partner works in a highpowered field, he or she may find it hard to switch off at home until told to.

Sadly, competition surfaces in the bedroom, too, where competitive lovers show off their skills, treating sex like an Olympic event. It often manifests itself as that ridiculous car-trip row between partners insisting that “my way” is the route to take. When it sneaks into parenting it can be particularly dangerous. Nigel Williams, a radio presenter, found his way wasn’t his wife Estelle’s way after they had their first child. When Antonia arrived, Nigel, a Heart 106.2 FM presenter, felt pushed out as Estelle believed that her way of parenting was the right one. Nigel, 41, says: “I couldn’t get a look-in. I felt that we should be much more relaxed about issues like sterilising bottles and nap times. But Estelle was adamant that she knew best.”

Estelle, 35, says: “I was always happy taking a back seat to Nigel’s media career. My background was radio marketing and I knew how sensitive presenters could be. However, when Antonia was born, I thought this was ‘my time’. Nigel found it difficult taking third place as I put Antonia’s needs first, then my needs as an exhausted mum second.”

Nigel admits: “Being slightly insecure I had, to be honest, always tried to get my way and Estelle had indulged me. Although she was the first woman who had occasionally put her foot down, I still came first before we became parents. When Antonia arrived she made it clear that motherhood was now the most important thing for her. That was hard to take, feeling that I had to compete as a parent.”

The relationship began to deteriorate into a competition to prove whose life was the harder. Nigel, presenting his late-night radio show with other career demands, and Estelle, back at work in marketing, found it became a constant argument of: “But I’ve done X, Y and Z today and you’ve only done A and B!” The one-upmanship ended when both of them recognised that their marriage was heading for the rocks. Nigel says: “We were seriously unhappy but, thankfully, our love was stronger than this need to compete and we started instead to support each other.”

With the arrival last year of their son, Harry, they knew that they needed to continue to contain their competitive impulses. Nigel and Estelle say they now recognise what a delicate balance it is to maintain a successful relationship.

If you feel that competition is ruining your relationship, it’s time to talk about working together rather than pulling apart. Two simple strategies can help to put things back on track. Competitive people put their needs first, so every day make a distinct effort to put your partner first, even in small ways. And when the competitive urge strikes, you should name your feelings; tell your partner that you are fighting the urge to outdo them.

Such immediate honesty keeps you in check. It should also be so disarming that your partner won’t want to keep competing either. That way, you both have a chance of winning.

Dr Pam Spurr is a psychologist, author and radio presenter on LBC 97.3. Her book, Sex, Guys and Chocolate (Robson, £7.99), is available from Times Books First at £6.79 plus 99p p&p. Phone 0870 1608080; www.timesonline.co.uk/booksfirstbuy