If narcissism was once a sin, today it is a selling point. The latest Samsung TV ad shows the Chelsea manager José Mourinho as a suave action hero, until the moment he anxiously scrutinises a bit of dust on his jacket.

This attention to image pervades our culture. Where narcissism was once deemed a feminine vice, today it is a universal imperative. We are constantly encouraged to improve our looks.

Modern life also fosters a culture of individualism. Even in the classroom we compete with our fellow pupils to gain honours and rewards. Later on we seek to forward our own aims, putting our search for personal possessions over community welfare or moral duties. But this is not the same thing as narcissism. In fact, if individualism is all about self-sufficiency, narcissism depends on other people. This is because we need other people to reflect our identity back to us.

Imagine you are going out for the evening. You put on your best outfit and look at yourself in the mirror. You are not unhappy with what you see but you still ask the question: “Does this look OK?” This everyday scenario shows how narcissism works. We have an image — which we may like or dislike — but it is nearly always deemed to be lacking in some respect. Then we select a partner, be it a spouse, a lover or a friend, to remedy this. Narcissism thus has two sides: our image and the appeal to someone else to sanction our image for us.

Some people will, in fact, enter a relationship only for this purpose. They need someone there to reassure them, to tell them that their image fits. And this can lead to the comedy in relationships where one party will ask repeatedly for the other’s approval. The other says,

“Yes, you look fine” and then expects the questions to stop, which, of course, they never do. Narcissism always involves a triangle: the person, their image and the other person who has to judge this image.

But it’s important to remember that no one is born a narcissist. Narcissism always develops from the experience of pain and frustration. We experience disappointment and cry out for a loveable image. Loveable means loveable for someone else.

So when we feel drained by narcissistic demands, we should bear in mind where they come from.

Darian Leader is a pyschoanalyst and author