DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
The candlelit table in the dimly lit flat or the invitation to dinner in the smart but quiet restaurant will have been the opening move in a thousand and one seduction scenes last Tuesday.
There is nothing new about this; the scenario may be more sophisticated but similar scenes are being played out in the jungle. Many male primates use the same ploy and bring offerings of food to those who have caught their randy eye.
Homo sapiens is, and was, no more subtle. The connection between food and sex has existed since Neanderthal days when, it is said, a chunk of meat or some newly gathered delicious berries might tempt a potential new partner away from her existing mate.
Some birds and insects also barter food for sex and it is part of their mating routine. Spiders are different. There are types of spider in which the smaller male has to flee for his life after mating, otherwise he will change his role from that of being a lover to one of being lunch.
Peter Greenaway’s 1989 film The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover explored the link between food and eroticism. At that time the film, and a host of books, owed their notoriety to exploiting the relationship in all its forms between food and sex. Although then thought shocking, now they wouldn’t prompt many letters of complaint to editors or publishers. Even Edwina Currie, the sometime Minister of Health and a much more socially observant chronicler than she is given credit for, has described in her books the sexual potential of food.
The association between food and sex that you want your boyfriend to explore in your mutual search for more sexual variety in your love life is more akin to the antics described in Currie’s books than that exemplified by a candlelit dinner for two in Soho. Freud and other psychologists have found sexual significance in the way in which children make a mess of their food and enjoy smearing it on themselves. The use of food as a sex ploy is, to some extent, a return to childhood or to the less fastidious days of Henry VIII, when people relished the messiness of using their hands to eat.
Sex games with food are an extension of the oral pleasure first experienced by babies in the high chair. The range of these activities extends from modifying kissing to smearing food on body’s surfaces, nooks and crannies and then licking it off in a sexually suggestive and titillating manner.
Whipped cream from the supermarket and chocolate sauce from the sex shop are the favoured foods for sampling from the more erogenous parts of the body.
Kissing, when adapted to incorporate one of these simple but harmless kinky games, involves exchanging food from one mouth to another, just as a female pigeon feeds its young. Food such as grapes that don’t disintegrate are preferred as they can be transferred from one mouth to another repeatedly, as if a grape is substituting for a ball in a rally on the tennis courts. Wine, too, can be played with by exchanging it orally, whereas others apparently prefer to drink it out of their partner’s umbilicus.
Messing about with food in this way is not, I am told, the type of sex likely to be popular when staying with your future in-laws. A supply of old towels is needed; chocolate, strawberries and cream would soon put paid to Peter Jones’s smartest carpets or sheets.
SUZI GODSON
Vanish? Salt? Vinegar? Bleach? Practically everyone discovers an alternative use for Nutella at some stage but, sadly, the experience rarely lives up to expectations. As is always the way, the celluloid fantasy of food sex — Marlon Brando with a pound of butter in Last Tango in Paris, Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger with the contents of the fridge in 9½ Weeks — doesn’t translate off screen.
In Hollywood, substances miraculously smear themselves over perfect skin in an aesthetically pleasing way and no one has to clean up afterwards. In real life you prise the crusty lid off a jar that hasn’t been opened for months, dig a spoon in, plonk a dollop on to your partner’s less than perfect bod and then try to coax the stiff and slightly congealed goo over his member.
This process is so unsexy that once you have squidged the spread over his bits, taking care to avoid the pubic hair, you will almost certainly have to rustle up an erection from his now flaccid penis.
Then, even if you are successful in reviving his enthusiasm, by the time you are finished you are a sticky mess and the only unforgettable aspect about the experience is a nasty stain that refuses to budge from your favourite nightie.
So, if you want to experiment with food and sex my advice would be to avoid setting up something as contrived as licking chocolate off each other and concentrate on exploring the aphrodisiac effects of sensuous ingredients instead. Though science has yet to prove or disprove the libido-enhancing properties of foods such as caviar, oysters, chocolate and champagne, does anyone really care whether it is the testosterone-boosting zinc in the shellfish, the tryptophan and phenylethylamine in the chocolate, or even just the fact that you are slightly pissed that does the trick? The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but if you are aiming for a target a little lower down the anatomy,you don’t want to spend the night slaving over a hot stove.
Enjoying an evening of aphrodisiac delights requires a greater degree of preparation than your average evening meal. But most of it can be organised the day before and, if you keep the menu simple and make sure that you have everything you need to hand, you’ll have time to style a more intimate dining environment on the day.
Forget eating at the table. Create a romantic atmosphere by setting up a picnic area on the floor, with cushions, throws and sheepskins if you have them. Suround your oasis with vanilla-scented candles and turn up the heating. You want the room to be nice and warm so that you can get undressed without getting goose pimples. For appetisers, work with asparagus, almonds, caviar, truffles or fresh figs. Sashimi (tuna, mackerel, salmon and scallops), with pickled ginger, wasabi and warmed saké, has great taste and texture and you can’t fail with the classic: buttery lobster and Laurent Perrier pink champagne (or scrimp with cava if you’re on a budget).
It’s messy, but feeding each other pink flesh, smearing butter over warm skin and kissing each other with a mouth full of bubbly is the most fantastically sensual experience.
For pudding, pass Green & Black’s vanilla ice cream from mouth to mouth or try new Gü Fluffy 70 per cent chocolate mousse. Way better than Nutella, I promise. Bon appétit.
OVER TO YOU
Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.
