Your letter raises many fundamental questions, and misunderstandings, about female sexuality. Contrary to popular belief, some degree of bisexuality is much more common — in fact, often considered at least twice as common — in women as in men.
Most of us now accept the Kinsey theory that the degree of heterosexuality of males and females can be placed on a scale of 0 (totally heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). The original Kinsey scale had another category for women that he labelled “X”. This implied that the woman had no sexual interests. Some researchers claim that there is a similar group of men.
The heterosexuality/homosexuality score was not only assessed as the result of patients’ recollections of past sexual experiences and emotional feelings, but on observed psychological, physiological and social behaviour. The stereotype of lesbians as butch is nonsense. Many of my predominantly homosexual female patients were typical housewives. Nearly 50 per cent of women who think of themselves as lesbian have been married or engaged, less than a third of truly homosexual women are embarrassed, let alone upset, by male company.
Although there may well be more women than men whose score is closer to 6 than 0 on the continuum, it would be wrong to use the all-embracing term lesbian to describe most of them. Some are happier having sex with men, have never had sex with women but fantasise about it; others are facultative homosexuals — prepared to seek succour in any port in a storm, but given a choice would be heterosexual.
Women are less likely than men to allow lustful sex to dominate their lives and friendships. For women, factors such as companionship and shared interests tend to be more important. Women often form emotional bonds with their friends to the point that they may become sources of jealousy for male partners. All these factors make it difficult for many women to be as definite as you are about their sexuality. Many admit that they may have some sexual interest in both sexes even though, like you, they would prefer the sexual attentions of men.
Your suggestion about your father is fascinating. Psychologists have analysed the relationships between fathers and lesbian daughters for generations. One theory is that in early childhood the relationship was often unusually close. Once the girl begins to mature sexually she is appalled by her unacceptable feelings of attraction to her father. As a result she sees sexual advances where there is none, turns to her mother for comfort and thereafter fears, even hates, her father and through him all men.
Psychologists deal in theories but statisticians have demonstrated evidence that pronounced homosexuality in women is more likely when there is a bad relationship with either parent, but that this is more obvious when the difficulties are with the father.
Likewise, an unhappy parental marriage seemed to be a factor in the background of more lesbian women than could be accounted for by chance. Nearly twice as many lesbian women as controls had had parents they reckoned were unhappily married, and nearly five times as many lesbians as controls had divorced parents. Although many lesbians believed that their parents would rather have had a boy, the majority didn’t think this affected their upbringing.
SUZI GODSON
Don’t worry about knowing what to do or when to do it. The only thing you need to do is to relax and follow your partner’s lead. Kissing isn’t rocket science, but to begin with, let him initiate everything.
When he moves towards your lips watch which way he angles his head and go the opposite way. This avoids the potentially embarrassing nose crash that mars so many early kisses. Once your lips meet he will either hover, or press on. Once his tongue is in your mouth all you have to do is to mirror his movements. Follow variations in pace and force. If he speeds up, speed up with him; if he slows down, follow suit.
Kisses change tempo quickly. They can be passionate and probing one minute, as soft as a whisper the next, but as long as you synchronise your actions with his, you can’t go wrong. If you begin to feel flustered or have trouble breathing through your nose, pull back slightly, take a couple of breaths and return your lips to his when you feel ready. If you keep your face close to his, he will feel the gentle exhalation of air on his cheek and contact won’ t be broken.
Kissing is a universal form of communication because it is a natural human instinct. So you’ll master the art pretty quickly. One technique worth trying is the butterfly kiss: a fluttering motion made by quickly opening and closing your eyelashes next to his cheek. Ancient Chinese erotica links the upper lip of a woman’s mouth to her clitoris, and the lower lip of a man’s mouth to his penis so try running the tip of your tongue along his lips and gently sucking his upper and lower lips individually. Whisper into his ears and gently kiss and tug on his earlobe with your lips. Plant soft kisses, with dry lips, on his eyelids, ears and nape of neck. Throw in a little gentle Eskimo nose-rubbing, too.
Anthropologists believe that kissing originated as a derivative of “premastication” — chewing food until soft and then transferring it into a baby’s mouth. Get back to your roots by salting your lips or dusting them with icing sugar or cocoa powder. Alternatively, pass sweeties, champagne, ice-cubes, oysters, caviar, strawberries, ice-cream, tinned peaches or lemon sherbet from your mouth to his and back again.
You probably don’t realise it, but by waiting until you are 27 you have saved yourself a lot of embarrassment, not to mention colds, glandular fever, oral and even genital herpes.
Most people spend years trying to erase excruciating memories of adolescent embraces. Under the disco ball, dancing to Wet Wet Wet, the teenage snog is usually a clash of braces, poor oral hygiene, over-excited slobbering and stubble rash. It’s dismal, but you won’t have to deal with the indignities of that learning curve because, at your age, any man you meet should know what he is doing, even if you don’t.
If you feel that you have somehow missed out by cutting straight to grown-up kissing, you probably need to experience the mixed blessings of the love bite. Your partner puts his semi-open mouth against your skin and sucks up your flesh forcefully. The strong suction forms a vacuum which draws blood to the surface creating a small red blotch which subsequently turns into a bruise. Love bites usually last for a few days, but rubbing vitamin E oil or arnica cream into the skin will speed up the healing process. In the meantime, a squirt of toothpaste and a dollop of foundation will disguise your teenage love token.
Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.
