You may be losing your virginity but you are learning about men. The terrible truth, terrible for both partners, is that premature ejaculation is a common problem that affects 30 to 40 per cent of men at some time during their life. A minority suffer from it throughout their sexually active years. Although it is the most common male sexual problem, even more common than impotence, it is least likely to be the one about which a man asks advice.
Your boyfriend is presumably about the same age as yourself. Most young men come as quickly as a rocket taking off from Cape Canaveral. However, the young man who embarrasses himself and destroys potentially beautiful relationships because of premature ejaculation in his adolescence is likely to spring to life as slowly as the engine of a dying car once he is middle-aged. By the time you are in your late twenties and early thirties you will probably be able to achieve an orgasm within minutes, and if your partner is older, you may be able to have several orgasms before he ejaculates.
Premature ejaculation is defined as ejaculation after only minimal stimulation. This may happen either before, during or after an inadequate time (for either partner) following penetration. A great many factors are involved in premature ejaculation and even more myths surround the subject. The most absurd idea, current 40 years ago, was that premature ejaculation and impotence were subtle male devices employed subconsciously to punish women.
It is now known that although impotence is often a combination of physical and psychological factors, in well over 80 per cent of cases it is predominantly, and usually exclusively, caused by often treatable physical factors. Likewise, premature ejaculation is the result of part physical and part psychological causes. Age is not only important because the young man is inexperienced; at this age the nerves of his penis are much more sensitive than they will be when he is 49, or even 29.
Hormonally a 19-year-old’s testosterone levels are at about their peak. Within a few years they will have fallen and his sexual response will be more controllable. Although the premature ejaculator is always represented as a physically weak wimp, too timid and shy to have control of his reflex actions, the reverse is often true. Life in the genito-urinary medical clinic taught me that the problem of premature ejaculation is as commonly found in athletic personalities as in couch potatoes.
Many men are premature ejaculators with one partner but can keep going for an hour or so with a different woman, should they both want it. This ability seems unrelated to the passion that the man feels for the woman, or vice versa. The only feature common to men who are marathon lovers, other than age, that I have ever noticed, is that they are good communicators and have a genuine liking for women, as opposed to a lust for them.
Some doctors prescribe a pill to slow the sexual response. The favourite medications are a small dose of Seroxat (paroxetine) or Faverin (fluvoxamine) before sex. Also, technique matters. Plenty of foreplay with gradual increase of excitation, a long pause after penetration, initially gentle thrusting but maximum use of pressure from the male pelvic bones against those of the woman.
SUZI GODSON
I bought a copy of Gordon Ramsay Makes it Easy last week. Now there’s a misnomer, if ever there was one. As I struggled with salmon fishcakes, which required two different rounds of refrigeration and an overall preparation time of about 2½ hours, I concluded that no matter how simple a recipe appears, the transition from theory to practice is always more complicated than a novice expects.
It is much the same with sex. All the magazine articles and sex manuals in the world can’t prepare you for the buttock-clenching anxiety that accompanies early sexual encounters.
Although your poor boyfriend almost certainly knows what he is supposed to do, inexperience and apprehension make the gap between understanding and execution unexpectedly intimidating. Premature ejaculation can be a medical condition, but it is far more likely to occur if a man is nervous, so I suspect that your boyfriend’s problem is performance anxiety. True premature ejaculation sufferers are those who consistently ejaculate at the slightest sexual provocation. They tend to come without feeling that they have any control.
Although premature ejaculation is one of the most common male medical complaints there is no scientific consensus on “how soon is too soon”. Numerous studies from Kinsey onwards have indicated that once penetration begins, up to 75 per cent of men take between three and five minutes to ejaculate.
Many doctors who deal with premature ejaculation in their clinics report that a large percentage of men who wish to delay ejaculation are not suffering from a clinical condition but simply want to be able to thrust for longer so that they have more time to get their partner to reach orgasm. Since most women climax from clitoral rather than vaginal stimulation, the only thing these men are likely to give their partners is a sore front bottom.
Though I’m pretty sure that all your boyfriend needs to do is relax, telling anyone who is concerned about something that they “shouldn’t worry” is both irritating and frustrating, so you might want to point him towards some placebo confidence boosters. Suggest that he wears a couple of Safex Delay Condoms (£3.99 for 12), combined with some Durex Play Longer Delay Lube (£7.49 for 30ml), next time you have sex. Both products contain benzocaine, a local anasthetic which helps to dull sensation and to delay ejaculation (www.Lovehoney.co.uk).
I suspect that once he gets the hang of things he won’t need additional help. But if he wants to build up his sexual confidence further he could teach himself the stop-start technique. Developed in 1956 by the aptly named Dr J. Semens, it helps men to recognise the build-up of pleasurable sensations before orgasm and ejaculation. First your boyfriend needs to masturbate with a dry hand and when he feels that he is approaching orgasm he should stop.
When the urge to come has completely subsided he begins masturbating again and repeats the process. The aim is to last for 15 minutes before he allows himself to reach orgasm. If he does this three times a week for three months he will learn to control his response. And if I made fishcakes following Mr Ramsay’s “simple” recipe three times a week for three months, I’d probably get pretty good at them too.
OVER TO YOU
Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.
