Dr Thomas Stuttaford
A: Freud may have taught that the only way to preserve a sexual
relationship once it has passed beyond the lustful stage is with fantasy.
However, most doctors and other professionals who work in the field of sexual
medicine know that a large proportion of the population, perhaps even a
majority, are not very good at fantasising. They don’t want to dress up as
policemen or doctors, nurses or tarts. Nor do they want to talk dirty, a
term that for many is off-putting. The idea that some men, and rather fewer
women, want to hear this chatter down the phone from a distant lover, or
even across the city, is, to the non-fantasists among us, incomprehensible.
That men are prepared to pay strangers on a chat line for talk that they
find stimulating seems a wanton waste of money, as well as being
incomprehensible.
This lack of ability of the under-developed fantasist to understand the
motivation of those in whom this art is well-established should be regarded
as an example of how the sexual inclinations of one person should never be
judged nor dismissed as bizarre by another.
If some sexual activity doesn’t excite a part of a person’s brain nobody can
say that this is normal, or abnormal, for people are turned on by different
stimuli. This is no different from the discovery that a different part of
the brain is excited in those who like representational art than in those
who prefer modern art.
The rule, however, must always be that no one should be pressed into doing
anything sexual that upsets them. If they are prepared to jolly their
partner along, and find their role no worse than boring, unstimulating or
rather irritating they may be prepared to lose what they see as their
dignity (most sexual activities are rather undignified) and put a brave face
on it. They can console themselves with the thought that they are doing
their best to fulfil their partner’s needs to keep him, or her, happy.
Among the many patients of mine who had similar troubles to yours, one case
stands out. She was regularly asked by a long-standing partner to recite
obscenities to him while he pleasured himself at the far end of the
telephone line. He liked similar talk in bed. The poor woman became
chronically anxious as a result. She lived in dread of the telephone
ringing, for once she realised it was from her beloved, and the hour of the
day suggested that he might be feeling randy, she immediately became
tongue-tied. She was only able to repeat in a still, small voice a limited
repertoire of Anglo Saxon expletives. After several similar sessions she
decided that she would have to do some research.
She consulted the Oxford dictionary before ploughing her way through Chaucer,
Restoration poetry and D. H. Lawrence until she finally found that Rowan
Pelling’s Erotic Review was the best source of woman-friendly
erotic talk. Unfortunately, she found her chats as stimulating as reciting a
laundry list or the week’s shopping. The lover was encouraged to go
elsewhere and the books were returned to her shelves.
Some fans of chat-line sex, professional or amateur, like to talk, others to
listen. I doubt if you will ever enjoy either role. You now need to decide
if you find co-operation in his fantasies impossibly distasteful.
If you do, don’t allow yourself to be bullied but, conversely, don’t be put
off by feeling that it is undignified.
Suzi Godson
A: With difficulty. Unless you are a poet, words spoken into a lump of
plastic are a clumsy replacement for the subtleties of sex. Minus
eye-contact, graphic descriptions of body parts and what one might do with
them become an uncomfortable union of O-level biology and bad porn, so it’s
not surprising that you felt stupid. Very few people are equipped with the
kind of vocabulary required for convincing phone sex. In fact, as late-night
TV adverts for phone sex lines prove, sex chat is a skill that eludes even
those that get paid to provide it. Unfortunately for you, even if you could
learn to imitate the breathy tones of a “hot ’n’ horny £1.50-a-minute busty
blonde”, you would still have to deal with the fact that you actually have a
relationship with your boyfriend.
Professional phone sex works only because the client and the operator don’t
know each other. The connection is purely a business contract and it is all
on the client’s terms. He calls when he feels like it. She says what he
wants to hear. He masturbates to orgasm and pays the phone bill. A proper
couple can’t emulate that “unrelationship” unless they disconnect from each
other, which shoots intimacy in the foot and, in your case, defeats the
purpose of engaging in phone sex in the first place. You are trying to
sustain your relationship and, unlike the hot ’n’ horny busty blonde, you
will sign off your phone call by telling him that you love him and passing
on a message from his mum.
Paid-for phone sex ends when you hang up. Phone sex with the one you love has
the potential to linger like a bad smell. Because the “only limit is your
imagination”, too often participants make the mistake of coming over all
creative. At best this means not letting reality get in the way of a good
story; for example, disregarding the fact that it is impossible to suck
someone’s toes while taking them from behind. At worst, it opens a can of
worms. Introduce whips and chains to a partner who, unbeknownst to you, has
ideological issues with the concept of domination, and you can expect the
other end of the line to go silent for all the wrong reasons. Suggest
three-way fantasy sex with your favourite celebrity when your other half is
paranoid about infidelity and you ensure at least three frosty
interrogations about whether you really would join the mile-high club with
George Clooney if you were fortuitously seated next to him after an
unexpected upgrade.
Knowing and then respecting each other’s sexual boundaries is important if you
are going to try phone sex again and if you can establish a level of
explicitness that you both feel comfortable with, then you won’t say
anything that will cause offence. If you still feel that you can’t find the
words to conjure up a convincing erotic fantasy, then perhaps you should
consider using someone elses. Next time your boyfriend travels, tuck a copy
of Bedtime Stories for Women, by Nancy Madore (Llumina Press,
£10.95), into his suitcase and have him read you an erotic fairytale every
night. Return the favour by reading to him from Five-Minute Erotica,
by Carol Queen (Running Press, £6.99). Another collection worth looking at
is Best of Best Women’s Erotica, edited by Marcy Sheiner (Cleis
Press, £ 6.59).
Reading from a text means that neither of you has to take responsibility for
the sexual scenarios being presented, which may alleviate some of the
embarrassment for you. Or not. There is only one way to find out . . .
OVER TO YOU
Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send
your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The
Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that,
although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.
