DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD says: Unfortunately, you haven’t mentioned your age, how long you have been married and how long it has been since you abandoned contraception. Only with these details is it possible to assess your fertility; there is an association between fertility and the likelihood of premature delivery or a miscarriage.
In many pregnancies the frequency of intercourse is reduced in the first three months as the woman is not unnaturally off sex because she feels too tired and irritable as the result of her hormonal changes. She may also be feeling sick in the mornings. Paradoxically, some women, although tired, notice an increase in libido during the first three months as the result of increasing genital engorgement.
By the second trimester of pregnancy — pregnancy is divided into three three-monthly periods — a woman often experiences an increase of desire as the result of the continuing surge in hormones, the end of the inhibiting effect of nausea and as yet no great hindrance to pregnancy because of increasing weight. You are just finishing the second trimester when your sexual drive has been at its peak.
During the third trimester of pregnancy, the increasing size of your abdomen determines that if you are going to experiment with the Kamasutra it should only be because you are seeking the most comfortable position. You may find that the most comfortable position at this time is side by side, like sardines in a tin. In general, once the missionary option has become uncomfortable because of your increasing size, penetration from behind while you lie on your side with the weight of your abdomen supported will become an easier option. You can then satisfy your husband’s demands for penetrative sex without discomfort.
It is quite normal for couples to continue to have sex throughout pregnancy provided that the cervix is closed and the membranes intact and that neither of you has any infection. The baby will be safe and happy while remaining protected by the fluid in your uterus. The pressure and pounding of the abdomen during normal intercourse won’t precipitate delivery in an uneventful pregnancy, although some women do find that after they have had an orgasm they feel an occasional unimportant contraction.
Many women prefer to experiment with sensual touching, even possibly with a non-genital focus, rather than having penetrative sex when pregnant. Encourage your husband to massage your shoulders and back and to touch you lightly all over. The sensation of being stroked and tickled by a feather can, so I am told, create interesting sensations.
Women with a low sex drive all their lives may find that they lose interest in sex during pregnancy. Subconsciously once pregnant they feel their need for procreation has been satisfied.If a woman has a history of repeated mis- carriages (more than two consecutively) or has had premature deliveries her doctor may recommend abstinence from penetrative sex in the first three and/or last three months of pregnancy. If there is any question of infection, especially chlamydial infection, intercourse is out until both partners are cleared.
Even if you can summon up no desire whatsoever for sex, try to maintain an affectionate physical relationship with your partner or he may feel that the pregnancy is merely the start of him becoming less important in your life.
SUZI GODSON says:
Unless you have a low-lying placenta, a history of miscarriage, or are prone to premature labour, sex during pregnancy is perfectly safe. Actually, I am surprised that you don’t know this already. As soon as most women pee a double stripe on a plastic stick they start osmosing pregnancy manuals. From apgars to zygotes, they swot like they never did at school and, eventually, most of them find their way to www.babycentre.com, the leading pregnancy and parenting website in the UK.
Babycentre is the perfect destination for the information sponge and once a woman types in her due date she receives a free weekly e-mail service telling her what changes she can expect in the next seven days. Members who have any concerns about any aspect of their pregnancy can join a “due date club” where they can chat online with other mums whose babies are all scheduled to arrive within the same month.
It’s a clever system because the way you feel and the things you worry about change from week to week as your pregnancy advances, so connecting women who are at the same stage ensures that participants are going through the same things at the same time.
Broader topics can be researched through the general Babycentre search engine or discussed in the chat room. Predictably, sex, or the lack of it, is one of the most common subjects for discussion. This is because pregnancy causes all sorts of fluctuations in female hormone levels which cause havoc with the libido.
Through the course of a pregnancy, a woman can find herself desperate to have sex one month and desperate to avoid it the next. Though the former sounds preferable, both conditions can cause problems in a relationship.
A women who finds that her libido has increased stratospherically can feel overwhelmed by her unanticipated and often unwanted sexual feelings and if her increased desire is not mirrored by her partner she may find herself resorting to solo sex, which can leave her feeling a bit wanton since pregnancy is supposed to be such a holy estate.
On balance, things are probably easier for a woman who loses interest in sex completely. However, if she fails to reassure her partner that her lack of desire is a temporary state, and nothing to do with him per se, she can end up making her partner feel that he has started to take second place to their unborn child. Lots of men go off intercourse during pregnancy, too. It’s not an indication of lack of commitment, though a woman who h as packed on three stone may take some convincing of this. Usually it’s a sign that a man is rather overwhelmed by his partner’s transition from lover to mother.
So, to answer your question, sex during pregnancy is safe but is fraught with difficulty. However, although the majority of couples take a sexual sabbatical for some (if not most) of their pregnancy, most of them manage to resume normal service eventually. As long as you remember that the push and pull of wanting sex, not wanting it, being scared of it, feeling awkward about it and worrying that nothing will ever be the same again is all completely normal, you will be all right. And when your baby is born you will, like most new parents, look back and regret that you didn’t get it on with each other a bit more while you had the opportunity.
PS: Good luck with the baby and get some sleep while you can!
OVER TO YOU
Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally
