DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD says:
More than ten years ago a randomly selected group of women were asked how many men they thought were good lovers. Most men would have been depressed by the answer. None of the women thought that more than one in three men could be described as good in bed. Some of them, who might be described as more than averagely sexually experienced, concluded that about only one man in ten was a good lover. There was agreement that the marking was subjective. What one woman regarded as the ideal qualities for a lover could leave another cold.
One example of this is the differing opinions expressed about the capabilities as a lover of a man who is figuring in the latest kiss-and-tell celebrity sex scandal. One newspaper will find a woman who will say that the disgraced celebrity was the greatest lover since Casanova, whereas another woman, who has sold her story to another paper, swears that he was virtually impotent and incapable of empathising with women.
Unfortunately, men have been brought up to believe that women are not interested in sex. Women are as interested as men in sex, even if more women describe themselves as being uninterested and not attracted to either men or women. Now that most of the taboos and constraints on talking about sex have been relaxed, women are as frank, if not franker, than men when talking about sex to each other, and about their partner’s performance. Because men don’t chatter about sexual performance between themselves, some women believe that they don’t learn what women want when making love. One reason why men may not talk about the mechanics and subtleties of lovemaking is that it is relatively easy for a man to have an orgasm. This ease of reaching a climax can result in sexual intercourse for men lapsing into an activity that is devoid of romance and outward signs of affection, so that it becomes more a form of masturbation.
Although too many women feel, and probably are, neglected and would dearly love more foreplay, there are others, perhaps a minority, who prefer a quickie. Equally, the converse is true. Some women prefer prolonged foreplay and manual stimulation to penetration.
A study two or three years ago showed that this was to some extent a matter of age. Up to the age of 30 the majority of women would opt for foreplay, but not more than say for about ten minutes before relying on penile penetration to reach orgasm. When they were a bit older an increasing number so enjoyed the chat and foreplay that they, secretly or obviously, encouraged it to the point of orgasm. They would rather not rely on penetrative genital sex that could leave the man satisfied but soon fast asleep, while the woman was still tense with sexual frustration.
It sounds as if your husband, as much as he no doubt loves and obviously still desires you, is using you sexually as if you were a blow-up doll, the female equivalent of a dildo or vibrator. What to do about it? Scatter a few good sex manuals around the house that extol the virtues and variations of the different types of foreplay, lash out on a comfortable hotel, pack some massage oil and head for Paris, Rome, Amsterdam or Venice. Once there, enjoy a long, romantic meal. When home again, keep the romantic spirit alive by varying the pattern and place for your lovemaking.
SUZI GODSON says:
Pre-penetrational is such a horrible expression. It suggests a swift appetiser of the half-grapefruit variety, rapidly followed by a main course of dried-out greying meat and gravy. It sounds institutional, medical, enormously unappealing and, in all honesty, I can’t suggest any way of “making it more exciting”. I could, I suppose, suggest that you insist on cunnilingus and kissing before progressing to penile stimulation, but quite frankly, foreplay is about so much more than the mechanics of licking and poking.
In fairness to you both, 20 years of marriage doesn’t do much for anyone’s sex life and the fact that the two of you are still having any at all bodes well for your relationship. However, when it gets to the point where sex constitutes a brief and infrequent act of intercourse, you are both getting so little out of the exchange that it is probably safe to predict that in another ten years you won’t have to worry about pre-penetrative play anyway.
To halt this inexorable slide towards a life of complacent celibacy you need to stop thinking about adding forced play to your already lethargic lovemaking and start getting some real intimacy and connection and creativity back into your sexual relationship.
Because abstinence makes the heart, and various other organs, grow fonder, I think the first thing you both need to do is to stop having sex. Radical maybe. But you need to create some sexual tension and implementing a ban is the easiest way to achieve this. Obviously, you will need to get your husband to agree, and convincing him will mean presenting the concept in a positive and intriguing way. Don’t criticise his performance or whinge about not getting enough foreplay. And don’ t tell him what you are up to. Just explain that you intend to give your sex life a makeover and that he simply has to trust you and follow your instructions.
Men so rarely get the opportunity to surrender themselves to sexual directions that he will probably jump at the chance. And if he doesn’t, don’t worry. He will understand everything in due course.
To begin, you will need some props: a pen, ten sheets of paper and ten stamped envelopes, five addressed to you and five addressed to him. On the top of each of the first five sheets of paper write one of the following headings: five things I love about you; five things I love about having sex with you; five things I want us to do together before we die; five things I want us to do in bed together; and finally, five things I fantasise about but have never told you. Copy those headings on to the other five sheets of paper and then put each sheet in an envelope.
Take your husband out to dinner (being in a public place heightens the sense of anticipation). During the meal hand him the five envelopes that are addressed to you and ask him to look at what is written on each sheet. Explain to him that you will fill in an identical set of letters and post one to him each week. And ask him to do the same for you. You may want to discuss what you might say to each other. You may not. One thing is for sure, though, if you both make an effort to be honest and imaginative, over the next five weeks not only will you learn something about each other, and create an incredible state of anticipation, you will seduce each other intellectually.
Now that’s what I call foreplay.
