At Christmas, when my wife playfully wrestled with her sister, it
turned me on. I told her how I felt but she says I'm disgusting. Now I'm in
the doghouse
Dr Thomas Stuttaford says:
Yours is a variation of Lord Lambton’s preferrence. He was the politician
who, although he died only recently, had a hedonistic approach to life that
hadn’t altered much from that of his aristocratic ancestors. Lord Lambton
lost his job as a Defence Minister when it became common knowledge that he
had so little to do at the Air Ministry that his driver would regularly take
him in the afternoon to a house of ill-repute. The driver would wait in the
ministerial car while his boss spent the afternoon with two women in one
large bed. By way of explanation, the minister later said on television that
he believed that all men liked a change of partner occasionally. This seemed
to satisfy Sir Robin Day, who was interviewing him after the scandal broke
in 1973. He chose not to pursue this line of questioning and Lord Lambton
never fully explained why he enjoyed having two women in his bed.
It is possible that some men do indeed feel they need a change of partner,
occasionally, but I am quite certain that not all straight men fantasise
about being part of a threesome with two women. However, my experience of
treating prostitutes in a genito-urinal clinic taught me, to my surprise,
that it is a desire more common than is supposed. Many, and probably most,
prostitutes have a friend on whom they can call when a double act has been
asked for. Sometimes the men don’t want to have sex with either woman but
only to watch them cavorting. It is sex by proxy that they seek, without
commitment and without judgment.
Presumably, the antics of these prostitutes give their punters the same
pleasure that you felt while watching your wife and her sister wrestle, even
though I assume the wrestling wasn’t overtly sexual. In the most recent
research that I have seen (1999), 5 per cent of women and 4 per cent of men,
of university age, have recently indulged in watching others making love.
Interestingly, the number who fantasised about it was much greater; 21 per
cent of women said they fantasised regularly about watching others making
love, and 33 per cent of men.
If it would help you to get out of the doghouse with your wife, you can tell
her that, although you are in a minority of the population who fantasises
about these things, it is in fact a large minority. A third of men have
similar fantasies to yours, and one man in 25 would presumably have been in
an even more uncomfortable doghouse if they could swap reality for fantasy.
You may already have realised — and I have been told this by many patients —
that it is nearly always a mistake to confess fantasies to a partner unless
you are certain that they are shared. Personal fantasies can be held against
you. If your partner does not share the same fantasy, she may even find it a
positive turn-off. The only certainty is that if this is so, your fantasy
will not be forgotten.
Although watching others having sex because of a chance accidental opportunity
is not considered to be of any sociological significance, if it becomes part
of preferred sexual activity, seeking it out, unless it is paid for, can
cause considerable social nuisance.
Suzi Godson says:
Christmas. It’s a nightmare, isn’t it? There is something about the
combination of alcohol, inertia and being cooped up with the in-laws that
almost guarantees inappropriate behaviour. The combined strain of booze,
boredom and being forced to spend time with people you generally try to
avoid will split small cracks in any relationship wide open.
Over the festive period, the marriage guidance company Relate receives a 50
per cent surge in the number of calls it receives. Come the new year, the
miserable process of paying for a holiday that is primarily geared towards
six-year-olds consolidates the gloom — particularly if you didn’t enjoy it —
and more couples begin the divorce process in January than in any other
month of the year. It is not an excuse but, in different circumstances, I
doubt you’d have been so dumb as to say something so crass to your other
half. That’s not to say you wouldn’t have thought it. You probably would
have.
Sisters — two sisters wrestling, two sisters getting it on with each other,
two sisters competing for the same guy or two sisters getting it on with the
same guy at the same time — have always been a favourite male fantasy. But
it is not one that any sensible male would actually share with his wife.
This is because, while a fantasy about group sex between your wife and her
sister does no one any harm, when aired in public that fantasy has the power
to undermine your wife’s ability to trust two of the most important people
in her life.
As the anthropologist Margaret Mead once said: “Sisters are probably the most
competitive relationship within the family.” And, although your fantasy was
to do with both of them, it is likely that your wife has interpreted your
comments as an expression of sexual interest in her sister. That’s an
unbelievably threatening proposition for her to deal with and, unless you
can restore her faith in you, not only will you have damaged your own
relationship with her, you may also have damaged her relationship with her
sister.
Away from the pressure-cooker environment of giftwrapped Santa Claus boxer
shorts and after-dinner port, I’m sure you can see how foolish it was to
turn a few minutes’ titillation into a legitimate cause for concern. But
since you can’t take your comment back, the best thing you can do now is to
grovel. Tell her that you are really sorry, that you didn’t mean it, that
you feel like an idiot, that you are ashamed at having upset her and, most
importantly, tell her in no uncertain terms that you are not, and never have
been, sexually interested in her sister and vice versa. The only way for you
to resolve this problem is to take personal responsibility for causing it.
She probably won’t forgive you immediately. You have behaved like a dog so
you must expect her to behave like a bitch for a while. Plenty of stroking,
petting and ego-massaging will help.
SpaceNK bath products, Pierre Marcolini chocolates and Aqua di Parma scented
candles are also effective. They are expensive but, when it comes to women,
absolution is often directly proportionate to the price a man pays for his
penance. Good luck.
E-mail your sexual dilemmas to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to
Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT
