You’re toxic. I’m toxic. We’re all toxic. At least that’s what the detox industry wants us to believe. Once the month of snow and sales, January is now the start of detox season.

“It’s our busiest time,” says Amanda Hamilton, a nutritionist, author, UKTV’s presenter of Spa of Embarrassing Illnesses, and co-founder of Life Detox, a business that runs detox clinics around the world. “Most people have had enough after Christmas. Detoxing is not about pampering; it’s about results. The 21st-century lifestyle is physically and mentally toxic. We make people feel better by purging them.” The toxins are caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, processed foods and environmental pollutants.

Hamilton is just one glowing face of the growing detox industry. Gillian McKeith and Carol Vorderman also push the urge to purge. Hamilton’s partner in business (and life) is the similarly glossy Sandy Newbigging. Together they are pioneering the mind-body detox. “Most programmes just deal with body,” says Newbigging. “When the body lets go, emotional stuff comes up. So our approach is holistic.”

Inclined to take a break from boozing, I opt for their Turbo Detox Weekend. Programmes take place in England, Wales, Scotland, Turkey and Portugal and can last ten days. I just have time for a wet weekend in Devon. In the farmhouse are ten detoxers and almost as many support staff. I am the only male detoxer. We range in age from 28 to 55. Rebecca, 29, an interior designer from North London, is typical. “I want to lose the baby weight,” she says, slapping her Juicy Couture-clad thighs. She looks fine to me.

Friday night is our last supper: a salad of inexplicably dehydrated vegetables in a surprisingly tasty dressing. Our next solid meal is not until Monday. I gobble up leftovers and go to bed. Saturday begins at 8am with yoga. Breakfast is “colon support” and “detox” pills, washed down with grape, apple and kiwi juice. Hamilton whizzes up lurid wheatgrass shots. We sip and gag. “They’re packed with nutrients!” she says, downing hers like tequila. Then it’s enema time.

We retreat to our rooms. An enema is basically a bag that feeds fluid into your bottom via a small easy-to-insert tube. There’s no suction. I hang the bag filled with tepid diluted coffee on the bathroom door and lie on my side. The idea is to flush everything out and later on downstairs everyone is excitedly swapping enema stories. One woman wonders if the coffee was organic (it is). Another wants decaff. We are all slightly light-headed.

Time for a manual lymphatic drainage (MLD) massage. Tough but not rough, MLD supposedly stimulates the lymph glands to aid the expulsion of toxins. I don’t know if it did, but it felt nice. Better was the Rolfing, designed to beat bad habits out of the big muscle groups. Named for its creator, Dr Ida Rolf, it is corrective to the point of painful. A “structural integration” session left me bruised. But I walked out taller.

Over our juice breakfast on Sunday we share tales of weird dreams. “Detox dreams,” says Newbigging, at the start of our one-to-one mind detox session. “I started as a life coach and trained in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), timeline therapy and emotional freedom techniques,” he says. “Mind detox is about letting go. I’ve helped fertility problems, cured eczema, ended shyness, sorted out eating disorders.”

By Monday we get ready to return to the toxic world outside. We have instructions for breaking ourselves back in: stay vegetarian for a bit, drink water, plenty of exercise and no booze or coffee (unless it’s an enema) — all wise advice. We’re also given probiotic pills to repopulate our guts.

“Detoxing is much criticised,” says Dr Graham Archard, the vice-chairman of the Royal College of General Practitioners. “But I see more and more patients doing it and feeling better. Taking control of your health is probably the most beneficial element, rather than drinking juices and taking supplements to flush out supposed ‘toxins’.” What about the enemas? “I am concerned that excessive use could result in loss of the cells that line and protect your gut wall. That’s very serious,” he says.

Amazingly, I resist a bacon sandwich on the train home and detox for two more weeks. Altogether I lose over a stone. Finally, I lose my patience and succumb to a big red steak and a big bottle of red wine. Let the retox begin.







Need to know For more details, www.lifedetox.co.uk, 0845 0800452
Ambience Slight prison camp feel as you bond over enema stories and fantasies of solid food. There is an indoor swimming pool, sauna and fitness suite which includes mini-trampolines. Treatment Detox package includes accommodation, juices, supplements, colon cleansing, yoga and a consultation.
In crowd Mostly women 30-40.
Food It’s all about the juice and wheatgrass.
Wallet watch From £750 for a UK-based Turbo Detox weekend to £1,650 for a seven-day Life Detox in Turkey. Transport not included.









Spa of Embarrassing Illnesses is on UKTV Style, weekdays from Monday, 10pm