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Jack crept slowly towards the platform and turned to look back up towards the bow of the ship. Still no sign of any pursuit. What should he do? As he considered his options, he suddenly spotted a strange red dot on his white trainer. At first he thought it might be some blood from Gordon’s wound, and he leant down to wipe it off. Then he noticed it was wobbling around, even with his foot still. Jack’s heart sank as it suddenly dawned on him what it was.
His head snapped up and he looked back along the side of the ship. A stubby black barrel was poking surreptitiously from a porthole attached to what looked like a large zoom lens. Gordon was safely hidden from view but, using the unique characteristics of the Cornershot APR, he already had Jack nicely in the cross hairs of its laser sight. Jack wasn’t going hang around to find out what would happen next. There was only one thing for it.
He raced towards the balloon crew, who were still struggling to control the huge gasbag that rocked back and forth in the draught of the Dreadnought powering through the waves, her twin funnels belching thick black smoke. Their attention focused on the balloon, the crew did not spot Jack who, with a hop, skip and jump that would have done Belstaff the games teacher proud, leapt from the deck of the Dreadnought on to the gantry that secured the balloon’s winding gear. With both hands he grabbed the rope ladder attached to the side of the balloon basket. He held on tightly but he knew that he could not cling there for long.
The basket was swirling dizzily just off the deck and it felt to be a much more unsteady place than it first seemed. Over the side of the balloon basket the observer’s head appeared. He stared down at Jack with a mixture of amusement and confusion. He was wearing a bizarre skull cap, from which wispy shocks of blond hair escaped and blew around in the breeze, together with aviator’s goggles placed over small round spectacles. He looked faintly ridiculous.
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I think that there's definitely a story here. However, the writing comes across as stilted, as if the author is trying too hard to explain recently learnt terminology that he, himself doesn't understand that well. The action and conflict are buried in exposition. The characters don't stand out in any way that would help me identify with them (how old is Jack? Is he a stowaway? A pirate? etc.) The POV is confusing. I'd like to see a direct connection between character and action and I'd like the terminology to be incorporated into the action in a more "natural" way e.g. Gordon tossed the bundle over the port side. James the Cook tied the sailing rope around his waist... Get rid of adverbs e.g. "Jack crept [slowly] towards the platform." Creeping means to move slowly and carefully in order to avoid being heard or noticed, so why adding "slowly"? I think the author needs to find his voice and then rewrite this piece.
Mar , Ferntree Gully, Victoria
I think Abbi is being a little harsh. While admittedly the material is overwritten, it is nothing more than a snapshot. I believe we shouldn't 'read' too deeply into the selected extracts. Jack Flynn is a great name and the title promises lots of action and intrigue. I think you'll find that the great majority of entries are not even close to a print-ready draft. That said, the above extract does suggest further work is needed. In the meantime, John must be congratulated for being one of the select entries to receive valuable exposure.
C., Dublin, Ireland
Quite a harsh judgment has been put forward considering this is a first time writer's effort. The question was asked, who is the market here? So, I asked an eleven year old for their opinion and their view was that 'this is a good story'. (They even knew what a 'Cornershot APR was). I'm guessing it is not written for adult females, nor should it be. Everyone is entitled to their opinion at the end of the day.
Kathy, West Midlands, England
Abbi is entitled to her opinion. However, I disagree with it and I thought John M O'Brien's extract deserves more than such casual dismissal. I'm curious to know more about the story and I hope John isn't put off by Abbi's comments.
J.Humble, Kendal, Cumbria
great title, though.
David, London,
I'm sorry, but that's awful. So self-conscious and complicated. I was struggling to put together all these instructions on what Jack was seeing, so the initial fast pace slowed to a crawl. I lost interest by the the second para and started to cringe. The author is aiming for pace and conflict but instead offers long-winded sentences that confuse and bore. Who is the market here? This may be first draft material, but it certainly doesn't seem like final draft to me.
Abbi, Guernsey,