Monday

“The thing is,” I tell the journalist, “we’re best mates. Me! Victoria! Scary! The other two! I can’t imagine being closer to anybody. Not even my very good friend George Michael.”

“We’re like sisters,” agrees Victoria. “I trust these guys more than anybody. Almost more than my husband, the international football star David Beckham, or my new best friend, the Hollywood celebrity Katie Holmes.”

I scowl slightly. Victoria is always doing this, but I forgive her, because I love her. And also because it makes her look like a grasping, name-dropping bitch.

Victoria and I are doing this interview because last night the Spice Girls reformed in Vancouver. All the old girls back together!

“I’m so sorry the other girls can’t be here for this photoshoot,” I giggle, pouting at the photographer. “Only, they’re stuck in the dressing room.”

“Because we put a chair in front of the door,” adds Victoria. “Because we’re such great mates,” I say.

Tuesday

Tonight’s gig is in San José. Nobody is in charge in the Spice Girls, because we’re all girls and all great mates. Although I’m the one who wore the Union Jack dress, so I’m probably the most important. Secretly, even Victoria knows this.

Poor Victoria. We all think it’s a real shame the way she only gets to sing one solo line in her shaky, out-of-tune voice. So, when she’s not looking, Scary and I have a quick word with the sound man, and make sure her microphone is turned up especially loud for that bit, and then we make sure that all the TV crews know exactly when it is going to happen. We don’t compete in this band. We look out for each other. That’s what Girl Power is all about.

Wednesday

It’s Los Angeles tonight, and there are some real stars in the audience. Being so close and friendly, me and Victoria and Scary and the other ones have a good-natured battle with our elbows about who gets to be photographed standing next to Tom Cruise. Eventually Scary starts doing good-natured headbutts, and the rest of us start good-naturedly bleeding from the nose and good-naturedly calling our lawyers.

Thursday

This morning, as a fun joke between friends, Scary stirred a few pounds of extra-calorie lard into my egg-white omelette. What a joker! As a fun way of getting back at her, I call the authorities and raise delicate questions about her tax and immigration status. Bless her. I can’t wait to see her adorable face!

In the afternoon, I call a band meeting to show them all some new costumes I thought we could try out. “Look,” I say. “They’re T-shirts. With my face on them. I’ve got an extra big one, for chubby Victoria.” For a while, everybody is a bit quiet. Then one of the others says that she thinks I might be forgetting that we are supposed to be a band of total, sisterly equals.

“I love you!” I tell her, giving her a big hug. “And I totally accept that you are as important as me!” I think she might be called Melanie.

Friday

I love all these girls! I’d do anything for them! That’s why I’m currently sealing the door to their dressing room with a selection of metal beams and am about to go out there on stage all by myself. It’s great to be in a band again. We’re like sisters.

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