Darling, it was a triumph! That is what Mrs Darling said to Mr Darling when he returned, eyebrows dripping with sweat, from the toil of giving his first Budget. Mr Darling smiled, for he’d wanted to be dull. It was his theory that, when the world economy is in the lurch, Britain didn’t want excitement. It wanted dull and, though it may be immodest of him to think such a thing, he thought he may have delivered exactly that.

Mr Darling gave Mrs Darling a hug (one of the few nice things in life he hadn’t taxed). “Shall we celebrate, Darling?” he asked. She got out the biodegradable paper cups and poured some of the specially filtered tap water they keep for very big occasions.

“To stability!” they cried, clunking their cups so hard that one crumpled on impact.

Back in the Commons, everyone was talking about Mr Darling’s incredible talent for dullness.

Rose-tinted specs fail to offer hope

The obvious justification for Mr Darling’s relatively upbeat scenario is that the outlook is fraught with uncertainty

Background

• Darling's first Budget: the main points

• The Chancellor's speech in full

• Darlings first Budget: the reaction

• Chancellor hits the home budget as his debts soar

• Need to know: Budget 2008

The Chancellor delivers a modest Budget

As so often is the case, virtue, in terms of improving public finances, is not now, but at least a year away

Multimedia

• Video sketch: Matthew Parris and Ann Treneman

• Eco-worrier: should we be pleased?

• Green Central: round-up of the green Budget measures

Multimedia

• Red Box: a list of Darling's new enemies

• The winners and losers

• Video: the 'fingers crossed' budget

“Dull, dull, dull!” praised an observer, eyes indeed dulled.

“It was delivered with all the excitement of someone reading out the telephone directory,” raved David Cameron.

“It felt as if I’d taken four tranquillisers,” cried another.

To which I said: only four? Surely that is an insult. This speech was better than Valium, in whatever quantities. It was stupendously, doggedly and phantasmagorically dull.

I really had to struggle to stay awake, and I mean that as a compliment. I fought off sleep by searching for tangents and tips. I noted that looming recession has led to an outbreak of purple. Mr Cameron and Mr Darling wore the same purple tie (Why? Is there a tie shortage?) and Yvette Cooper had a matching suit.

Here, then, are my tips on how to be as dull as Darling:

– Talk about stability. In the first minute, he said it six times. Whenever there was a natural pause, he mumbled “stability”. It was a comfort word. The only possible conclusion is we are living in very unstable times.

He used it 26 times. Maybe it’s time to put the money under the mattress.

– In the middle, talk about nothing. The speech was 52 minutes long and, except for the beginning and end, it was gloop. If this was a sandwich, the filling was a Treasury’s version of fish paste: mashed up footnotes that smell a bit funny.

– Monopolise with your monotone. Mr Darling read his Budget, eyes down, voice level. The eyebrows were dipped (like headlights).

– Ignore your audience. Mr Darling refused to interact. The Tories taunted him for some time before lapsing into chatting. This was a water-cooler Budget, providing the perfect comfy location for a good old gossip.

– Never follow through on interesting facts. “In Denmark, the majority of homeowners take out long-term fixed-rate mortgages,” said the monotone. Yes? And? But the monotone had moved on to the subject of long-term affordabilty and (yes) stability.

When it was over, Mr Darling sat down, looking a bit anxious. But he needn’t have worried. Mr Brown slapped him on the back (Mr Darling’s whole body juddered), for he likes his Chancellors much duller than he had ever been.

Then Mr Cameron began to heap on the praise, saying that people will conclude the Chancellor lives in a different world. Yes, I thought, the Land of Nod. But only now, with the plaudits rolling in, did the Chancellor relax. He’d dared to be dull. Now it was time to get home to that scrumptious tap water.

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