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“Give me all the money from the safe or I am going to batter you,” Kevin Staples shouted while waving a stick as he tried to rob the Bottoms Up liquor store in Bournemouth, Dorset. But Mr Staples would not be a good candidate for an Ocean's 11-style criminal team. Staples suffers from severe arthritis, a ruined hip and back problems and walks with a Zimmer frame, which left the shop assistant probably more puzzled than alarmed at his threats.

When the shop assistant said that he had no access to the safe, Staples begrudgingly changed his tack and said, “Give me some fags then”. Two days after his Bottoms Up plan went bottom up, he attempted another robbery, this time at a shop in Crawley, West Sussex. On this occasion he brandished a 12-inch bread knife at a shop worker and barked, “Get the money out”.

At his recent trial for robbery, attempted robbery and assault, Bournemouth Crown Court heard that he tried to lunge over the counter but when staff shouted at him he put his knife back into a bag on his Zimmer frame and left the store as quickly as he could — which was very slowly — only stopping outside to punch a security guard.

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Staples later said he committed the crimes after voices had urged him to do so. He was sentenced to a minimum of four years imprisonment.

Unsuccessful robberies are not uncommon. When Marcus Brewster, 21, and his 16 year-old accomplice recently entered a Domino’s Pizza in Cincinnati, Ohio, they showed they were armed then made some remark like the famed one from Pulp Fiction: “Everybody be cool, this is a robbery”. In fact, things were about to get a lot cooler for them than they realised.

In trying to make a quick escape, they opened a door at the rear of the pizza parlour, ran through it, and slammed it shut behind them. It wasn’t, though, into sunshine and freedom that they ran but into the pizza freezer room where they were kept until the police arrived.

The prize, however, for most quickly caught robber goes to Clive Bunyan. In 1970, he raided the village store in Cayton, Yorkshire. He burst into the shop carrying an imitation gun and wearing a motorcycle crash helmet, escaping with £157. But police were able to track him down swiftly from a single clue appearing in capital letters on the front of his crash helmet: CLIVE BUNYAN.

Professor Slapper is Director of the Centre for Law at The Open University. His recent book How the Law Works is published by HarperCollins

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