It’s where Theresa May unveiled her designer shoe collection, and where Iain Duncan Smith tried to rally the troops by announcing that he was a quiet sort of a bloke, all things considered. But now Bournemouth has hosted its last Conservative party conference.

Francis Maude, the Tory chairman, has vowed never to return to the resort after last year’s security pass fiasco. Shadow ministers and visitors were left queueing outside the conference centre as the police struggled to process their passes. Some forms were still being processed as the conference ended.

The decision will be a huge blow to the town, where the party has been gathering for 20-odd years, but Maude has set out a string of complaints in an 11-page letter to the chief constable of Dorset.

He says police took two months to approve David Cameron’s pass — which only just arrived on time — and tells how a cleaner broke in through a window to give Tory staff access to the pass office.

Maude even claims that officers were told not to give directions to Tory delegates. At least that should be easy from now on: excuse me, constable, could you show me the way to Brighton?

We assume MPs aren't telling porkies about what's in their trough

WOULD sir care for the taxpayer to fund his foie gras or his Romanée-Conti ’95? Of course. Tax back on the side? Naturally.
New documents from Customs reveal that MPs are padded with tax exemption on a special “accommodation allowance” that already costs £10.8m a year. The tax break is worth an extra £4.4m if MPs pay at the higher rate.

In one of those cosy deals that make Westminster life so pleasurable, the £21,634 per MP allowance — for the “inconvenience” of having to have a second home — includes the right to spend £400 a month on food and groceries. Receipts? Absurd — are you doubting the probity of MPs? Tony Blair and John Prescott are among those who have benefited from the tax break, although Customs have not disclosed how much they scoffed to claim it.

• As British Airways tries to shift the lost baggage mountain at Heathrow, how thoughtful of the airline to keep our spirits up with a little joke. “We are dealing with this,” said a spokesman, “on a case by case basis.”

  When in Rome, one could do with a Roman pew

  If you are a Queen from Windsor who doesn’t wish to know what the Pope is planning to give you when you visit him, look away now. Her Majesty will travel to Rome this year or early next year, according to Vatican sources. And when she does, the Pope will hand over a rather unusual gift — her own church pew. Just what one always wanted.

  Quite a special pew, though. Until the reformation, it was the seat reserved for the British sovereign in St Paul’s Outside The Walls, the church built over the saint’s supposed Rome tomb.

  A palace source says she would be “very pleased”. Although a nice box of chocolates would also do the trick.

• Disgraced Liberal Democrat MP Mark Oaten — sorry, but we are obliged to include the word “disgraced” under newspaper by-law — is advertising for an intern. You have until Thursday to apply. Candidates with short memories or ability to keep a straight face preferred.

  Don't use the 'b' word for coffee without milk

  Tom Harris, the transport minister and relentless campaigner against the excesses of political correctness, recounts a recent conversation at a public sector function when he had the effrontery to ask the waitress for a black coffee. “Actually, it’s coffee without milk,” she replied in an embarrassed whisper. Harris says: “Everyone now accepts you can’t use the ‘n’ word to describe black people and you shouldn’t call a woman ‘ dear’. But the term ‘black coffee’ offensive? I’m guessing that some middle-aged white man or woman with very few (if any) black friends made the decision in an attempt to win Brownie points.” Can we still say Brownie points, minister?

• Once again Gordon Brown’s allies are in a state of angst and plotting an act of treachery. This month’s Channel 4 politician of the year awards has seen John Reid, the fiery home secretary, shortlisted as the “politician’s politician”. If he wins the coveted title, the Brownies fear, it could give him momentum for a Labour leadership challenge against their man.

  Only one thing for it then. Some have resolved to bring themselves to vote for the other frontrunner for the award, one Alex Salmond. “The Brownies think they might have to vote for the man they regard as the devil incarnate if only to try to stop Reid,” confided a Westminster insider.

• Ian Rankin has the judiciary in a tizzy for allegedly blurring the line between fact and fiction. The author of the Rebus series has claimed in a new interview that police and judges protect known criminals from tough sentences if they are informers.

  Some of the responses from judges to his claim that in real life they collude with cops over dinners at Fettes and in the New Club would make even grizzled Rebus blush.