Tommy Thompson, President Bush’s outgoing health secretary, gave hypochondriacs across America a lifetime’s supply of material as he announced his resignation on Friday. Astonishingly, he revealed his astonishment that terrorists hadn’t yet thought to attack the sole superpower’s food supply. Why? “Because it so easy to do,” of course.

Just in case that failed to grab militant imaginations, he helpfully added: “And we are importing a lot of food from the Middle East, and it would be easy to tamper with that."

Perhaps he has authored a kind of Post-Anarchist’s Cook Book of foolproof ways to poison us and wants to boost sales. Or maybe his next job will be in public affairs for American farming, since his countryfolk will presumably not be rushing out to stock up on halva, dates and pomegranates now that they have heard him saying he worries “every single night” about a terror attack on the food supply.

Next year America is expected to import as much food as it exports and the panic is spreading. “We know that at least three of the major pathogens or germs that could be used as bioterror agents can be put in food,” said Bill Frist, Leader of the Republicans in the Senate. He should know. He’s a surgeon. Yippee.

Then Harry Reid, who is taking over the Democratic minority in the Senate now that Tom Daschle has lost his seat, chimed in: “I’m worried about it, as all the American people are worried about it.”

Well, I frankly wasn’t particularly worried about it but I sure as hell am now.

I know America is supposed to be all about democracy and openness and public debate, and that’s healthy. Far be it from me to silence anyone. But guys, just this once, would you knock it off, please?

Otherwise, may I suggest that the Department of Homeland Security adds a special section to its advice on preparedness for Americans (www.ready.gov) all about food safety.

Still, Mr Thompson’s loose tongue might help America get over its weight problem, or start a new craze in croft farming. I can picture it now, all those Manhattanites up to their knees in mud and designer seeds and swapping notes on squash. They’ll be painting their walls with squished tomatoes, sewing children’s clothes out of watermelon seeds and drinking nettle soup in The Village before you know it.

There are grounds for calm, as it turns out. Authorities have increased inspections of food shipments. Great!

Not so great. They are still checking only “a very minute amount,” said Mr Thompson.

Mr Bush turned out all fatherly and tried to mop his country’s fevered brows. He explained that America was a “large company” - oops, he meant to say “country” - and everything possible was being done to protect her. Pity no one told his health secretary.

One definite plus is that we may finally have found a use for that duct tape the government keeps telling us to have on hand for a terrorist attack. There may not be quite enough to wrap America up safe and snug in a hermetic seal, but why not rip off a few inches and stick it on Mr Thompson’s mouth?

Perhaps I am being short-sighted. Ms Currie’s remarks paid off in the long term. British eggs have never been cleaner of salmonella. Maybe Mr Thompson was hoping to have a similar effect. But I suspect he was just cheesed off at leaving the cabinet. Apparently he was interested in running the Department of Homeland Security. I hope for his sake he is not holding out some vain hope of serving as deputy. Hardman Bernie Kerik, the former New York police commissioner appointed by Mr Bush to run homeland security, would have him for breakfast faster than you could poach an egg (for several minutes, until it’s nice and firm, of course.)

I strongly suggest Mr Thompson does not head for the Aegean coast to hide until everyone forgets. Turkey is the main Middle Eastern food exporter to the US and I don’t suppose that particular NATO ally is laying out the welcome mat.

CNN procured some further advice on the subject from Randall Murch, who runs research and programme development at Virginia Tech.

Terrorists could introduce a foreign disease into American animals or crops, he said. Foot and mouth, say. That might not be deadly but it would at least wreck the economy. Salmonella – here we go again - would be another good one, he added.

Still, I’m not worried. Not really. I’ve had salmonella poisoning. I gave it to myself by cooking spaghetti carbonara with an egg I bought from an old man on a Kiev street. It wasn’t pretty, but I lost eight pounds. Lightning rarely strikes twice and if it does, at the rate I’m going I’ll be long since dead anyway, from worry.