Bookies offer odds on dark horse Mandy turning into an also-ran again

Lord Mandelson of the Dark Side shouldn’t get too comfortable at the cabinet table. Bookies are already offering odds on when we’ll be watching his resignation speech (“I was wrong: I am actually a quitter, not a fighter”). On hearing the news of Mandy’s return, William Hill immediately gave 10-1 that he’d be out of his job before the next election. “With Mandelson’s form on going early from jobs, that price looks great,” says Mike Smithson of the Political Betting website. And, in current circumstances, probably a safer bet than one or two savings accounts.

Which hardhearted opponent coined the phrase Prince of Darkness to describe our modest, unassuming new business minister? The Labour MP Paul Flynn sheepishly reminds us that he was the author of this throwaway line in 1995. It just goes to show that, in politics, it’s never the opposition you have to worry about; it’s your political allies.

Jargon hunters of the EU: it’s time to reassign your unsustainable talk

As if introducing naked weather forecasters to Czech television was not achievement enough, an MEP and media tycoon called Vladimir Zelezny is trying to reshape the language of European politics.

For starters, he’s had enough of the word “sustainable”, which appears nearly 37,500 times on the European Union website alone.

“The word is repeated in almost all policies and strategies, producing empty, meaningless phrases,” he says.

Of course, to facilitate a transfer of “sustainable” into the banned word community, there will have to be coterminous engagement with all jargon-using stakeholders.

So let’s start here. Once we’ve dealt with “sustainable” – and perhaps moved on to strike a fatal blow to “stakeholder” – what other limp, meaningless words of jargon should be next on the list? Your suggestions to the Atticus e-mail address please.

Tory farmer wants to scrap everyday story of country stereotypes

Despite the Conservatives still riding high in the opinion polls, I no longer rate their chances in the West Midlands seat of Borchester South: a Tory candidate has called for The Archers to be scrapped.

Wilfred Emmanuel-Jones, who hopes to be MP for Chippenham but is better known as the Black Farmer, complains that the people of Ambridge do not lead typical rural lives. “This radio drama is the only programme that is supposed to give the listener a flavour of rural living, but one has to ask whether its very existence is part of the problem by offering a stereotypical view of rural living,” he says. The news has been received badly at Brookfield Farm in Ambridge where Ruth Archer, a leading member of the farming dynasty, commented: “Ooooh noooo.”

Fry’s taking a liberty with his remarkable election choice

Stephen Fry, who has driven around America for a new BBC1 series, has delivered his verdict on the US election – and he’s not as keen on Barack Obama, the actors’ default choice, as you might think.

“It would be exciting and remarkable to have Barack Obama elected,” he said, “but . . . I don’t think he’s quite the man in terms of presence and judgment.”

He then described John McCain as “for all his faults, also a remarkable man”. So there you have it, people of America. Vote for the remarkable one.

If Lembit Opik is serious about becoming president of the Liberal Democrats, he could always promise to win back a piece of Liberal history that has fallen into enemy hands. William Gladstone’s portable lavatory has been bought at auction by antique dealer David Harvey, an Oxfordshire Conservative councillor. He now plans to display the mahogany WC on which the great Victorian leader rested his bottom.

More remarkably, Liberal historians will also note the first time for many years that the words “Lembit” and “serious” have been used together in the same sentence.

The Parliamentary television channel has been re-running BBC coverage of the 1964 election. In one interview, Labour’s Fenner Brockway explains how he’d lost his seat at Slough because he was seen as “a nigger lover”. Haven’t times changed?

Despite all appearance of Conservative unity, there is a vigorous policy debate raging over a sensitive issue: is it all right to be rude to the Scots? Some contributors to the Conservative Home website are fed up with jokes about Gordon Broon, McLabour and the McCabinet. “Could you cut down the constant anti-Scottish references?” says one. But compromise is not likely: Gordon Brown, according to the opposing view, is “a foreign dictator”.

Little Britain

A Hampshire student has launched a worldwide internet crusade to find his ideal girl after she appeared in his dreams. Adam Pacitti, 20, woke in the early hours and immediately drew a picture of the woman he imagined – a dead ringer for the US television character Ugly Betty, above. “I don’t want to be too precise in describing her, but when I see her I’ll know,” says Adam, of Winnall. “I can see myself looking for her for many years.” – Southern Daily Echo

Tunbridge Wells has been named the second-snootiest town in the UK. Only Westminster, home to Buckingham Palace, was ranked by the website LocalLife.co.uk as being more posh. – Kent on Sunday

A parrot has been put up for sale because his swearing is embarrassing his owners. Aaron and Kate Lenihan, of Weston-super-Mare, taught Charlie, an African grey, to say “hello” and whistle the theme tune to Scooby-Doo. Now, as well as using one expletive, he likes to wolf-whistle at women and listen to rap music. “It’s really embarrassing when friends come round because he’s always calling them rude words,” said Kate. “Sometimes they give it back to him but that only makes him more cheeky.” – Western Daily Press

Send your observations to atticus@sunday-times.co.uk