It’s a story that’s only too familiar — a rowdy party, a touch too much to drink and an embarrassed prince at the centre of it all.

Yet this time it’s not Harry in the royal soup, but his supposedly steady big brother William.

A sergeant major has called Clarence House to complain about William’s behaviour at Prince Harry’s passing out ball at Sandhurst.

One of William’s party reportedly spent the evening pretending to be a brigadier while another was boasting loudly about stag night antics with a prostitute.

Guests at the bash are said to have been “astounded” at the amount of champagne, vodka and beer the party drank.

One guest complained of Hooray Henry behaviour and said: “Nobody else found them funny.”

Luckily, William had the perfect alibi — he had been sent to bed early. Or rather, senior officers had “advised” him to leave when his party became too rowdy.

A Clarence House spokesman confirmed that a complaint had been made but insisted William was innocent. “The sergeant major misconstrued that it was William, in fact it was a friend. It’s a lot of fuss about nothing,” he claimed.

There was an old lady from Windsor who served all well and true, sir...

From the Atticus Laureate, lines to suck up to Her Majesty on the occasion of her 80th birthday. No MBE necessary.

God save our Gracious Queen
Best one there’s ever been
Since records began
Well, better than Anne
And much jollier than Victoria
(Who was a stranger to euphoria)

God save our Gracious Liz
We all think you are the biz
Isn’t it cool
That you reign but don’t rule?
And you’ve always been there
From Winston to Blair

God save our Gracious Queen
My, what a lot you’ve seen
All of the colours you’ve trooped
Goodness, you must be pooped
Yet what did you get for all this?
Annus horribilis

God save our Gracious Queen
Best one there’s ever been
Queen Boadicea
Had a shorter career
Even Queen Bess
Was loved a lot less
So you’re not just the filler
Until Queen Camilla

Something serious in the air as BBC bans hairspray

There will surely be crisis talks at the BBC about this — hairspray has been banned from the studios of News 24.

Presenters such as Ben Brown and Matthew Amroliwala are so devoted to their sprays that, if they were in an airplane, the oxygen masks would pop out. “There are clouds of it around,” complains one colleague. “Do men really need hairspray?” Amroliwala has even been known to have a spray between items.

Now a memo has gone round banning the use of sprays on health and safety grounds. A production manager fears spraying will interfere with new anti-static devices, adding apologetically: “I know this is a pain.” Perhaps newsreaders can be issued with hairnets instead?