I received the following as a text message on Monday morning, and have spent most of the time since then translating it, in the national interest.

Dear Alan, I hope you will forgive me texting you out of the blue like this, I do not know you from that bloke which people do not know people from if they do not know them, but I saw your face with your name under it on Sunday’s programme about 100 great Britons and you looked totally gutted about the whole thing, no doubt because you voted for Stan Collymore like me and he did not even get a mention never mind not coming top, it was definitely rigged, no question, nobody I know voted for Winston Peel, so I am texting you with a major query because it said under your name that you were a broadcaster, and I thought, hallo, he might be in a position to point me in the right, what’s the word, thing.

I recently got 3 GCSEs, but I decided not to stay on at school because they sent me a wossname to fill up about going into something called the Vith Form, and I do not want to do Vith, I do not even know where they speak it, I looked it up on this globe pencil sharpener I have got and I could not find it, though this may be due to the fact that the two halves do not line up owing to a dent, you can see the top half of America but the other half is round the back, at least I think that’s what it is, it could be Wales. So anyway, I decided to leave school because everybody said what you want to do is pick one of them top job adverts with a pin and write to them, because with your qualifications you could walk into anything, but what I walked into was a door due to where it was not automatic like you get at Tesco’s, it had this funny little knob thing, how was I to know, I did not do GSCE Knob.

Then this man came out and helped me to get up off of the pavement and he said have you broken anything, and I said yes, a clock, in 1997, it is now stuck with the big hand on the one like a swan and the little hand on the one like a golf club, I think it’s half past 14, and he said no, no, no, what I meant was would you like us to get a doctor to take a look at you, personally I do not give a toss, that baseball cap has seen better days, it is not what I call executive, but we do not want the Health and Safety buggers coming round here and chucking their weight about as per usual, you may feel all right now, but you might have internal bleeding, and I said internal bleeding what? So he sort of stared at me for a bit, and then he said have you got an appointment, so I showed him this letter they’d sent me and he said could I read it on account of he didn’t have his glasses with him, and I said read it, read it, what do you mean read it, they have done it in joined up writing with ink, who do you think I am, Stan Collymore, I can only read stuff what has been printed out off of a food processor, so the man said, all right, just go up to the 15th floor.

Blimey, I mean, that is A-level stuff, am I right, 15, so I got in the lift and I took my trainers and socks off and I’d managed to count as far as 13 when the door opened, but I got out anyway and I saw this girl and I told her I had come about a job and she said human resources, turn left, and I said bloody hell, do you think I have got a degree in geography, left could be anywhere, so she pointed and I went over to this door and it had KNOCK AND ENTER written on it in nice big capital letters you could read.

So I opened it and went in and there was these two blokes sitting at desks and I said good morning, which of you is Mr Knock, and one said I beg your pardon, and after we had rabbited for a bit the other one, it could have been Enter, he didn’t say, told me he was very sorry but he didn’t think I was suitable for the position, and I said, is it the same old story, I am over-qualified, and he said yes, you have got it in one.

But before I could work out which way the knob turned for going out, because it could well be different from the way you turned it to get in, the door opened and this little bloke rushed in, and Knock and Enter jumped up and smoothed their hair down and said “Good morning, Mr Dyke, sir”, and the little bloke said “Just passing through, who’s this?” and I said “I came about the producer’s job, but I am over-qualified,” and I showed him my CV, and he read it, and he said “Are you a Man U supporter?” and I said, “No, but I would’ve been if they’d signed Stan Collymore from Liverpool that time,” and he said, “That’s good enough for me, son, would you like Head of Current Affairs or Head of Features? Text me.” and ran out again.

So I texted you first, Alan, because you know about these things. Which one should I choose?