Alan Coren: Notebook
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Fifty years ago this week, I raised my hand to ask Mr Milward if I might be excused, I walked out of the classroom, I put on my school cap, and I took the 29 bus to my appointment with the most important man in the world. And there he was, sitting in a bottle-green Austin A35. Not in the driving seat, of course, because that was where I was going to sit; so I did, and I checked the mirror and I started the engine and I drove off behind a flappy L-plate; and when I drove back, half an hour later, the most important man in the world took off the L-plate and shook my hand.
How literal can a rite of passage get? Nor had it made me merely a man, it had made me a free one, with a free world, palpably, at my feet: bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to have three pedals was very heaven. I could go anywhere, much of the anywhere at any speed, and no one would know where I or the anywhere was, and when I got to it, I could park anywhere in it, free. And not only could I drive any old car to do this in, I could drive every old car, there being no MOT test, so I bought a Morris 10/4 much older than I was, not because of pubescent yearning for a mature partner, but because she was anybody’s for a tenner.
Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, eh? Let me turn from my keyboard now, half a century on, and stare at the car below my window. Though she is much younger than I am, and cost rather more than a tenner, under the window is where she spends 99 per cent of her time. If I drive her half a mile south to buy a paper, it will cost me £8 for congestive effrontery plus £50 for not galloping back the further half-mile I had to drive to the only £5 parking meter I could find faster than the three sprinters who are racing me to her. The record of all this activity will be held at CCTV House, so that Sir Ian Blair will know where I have been, and how, and why, and also be able gleefully to pass the DVD on to the Department for Jailing People Who Fasten Their Seatbelts After Moving Off.
If rage-fuelled incaution makes me drive my £63 newspaper home at 30.1mph, worse may happen: road humps may dislodge my bridgework, a Met helicopter report me for whizzing past Regent’s Park mosque in a manner likely to unnerve armed response units secreted in the shrubbery, and a beak fine me £500 and shred my licence. Probably on the day my car is clamped outside my dentist’s surgery. Or towed away from it.
Do not ask if I ever drive out of London to go and live in a motorway jam, rather ask how happy I am to contribute to the £62 billion required to set up a pay-as-you-go system for the mugs who do. And since, in my 50 years of driving to the Moon and back, things only ever got worse, how long can it be before just staring at the car below my window brings an ASBO to my mat?
I sometimes wonder whether, if Mr Milward had said in 1957 that I couldn’t be excused, I wouldn’t be a happier man today.
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Mr Hansol you are my new hero
Keith, Den Haag, Netherlands
Here are a few good reasons for driving half a mile to get a newspaper;
It's cold outside
It's raining outside
I have a bad hip and I can't walk half a mile
I pay road tax, car insurance, fuel tax, and any number of other taxes, so why shouldnt I?
It's time people accepted that civilisation has moved on to the point where walking has become almost a thing of the past, so why not stop trying to revert to the victorian era and simply move with the times. Build some more roads. We're going to need them,
Paul Mahalo, Hull,
Thoroughly agree, Mark of Leicester..... the difference being that to drive from Calais to Macon (450 miles) costs approx 25 pounds (and only two speed cameras on the way) on brilliant roads whereas London to Heathrow via M25 (70 miles - largely stationary) could cost three times that!
Stephen, London,
Pedal Power Leader Comment 21/2/2007 came as a fillip to a rather stressed cyclist who narrowly avoided collision again - This time at a roundabout where motorists approach but fail to slow or stop and drive straight through the road layout.
One key issue in respecting all road users is making disjointed cycle networks safer around congested traffic hubs like roundabouts and major junctions, recognising that left turns are feasible in many instances to allow cyclists and in some instances motorists to continue with their journey.
In many instances tweaking a few signs and providing road markings, together with some slight road modification as part of streetscene improvement is all that is needed.
Richard Bates, CTC Councillor - Haywards Heath, West Sussex., Haywards Heath, West Sussex
why is so important to keep driving to london,london is a victim of itsown success the longer councils keep allowing victorian houses to be turned into flats and building flats the bbc as got it right they are moving out of the smoke and heading up north maybe some government depts should do the same there should be a morditoriam on building any more flats or conversions say for next twenty years i think labours ken livingstone should be looking at them things not congestion charges
tony handsley, manchester, england
I know non-car fans dream of a car-free, pollution-free utopia, just because they are lucky enough to not be dependant on them, as I can sympathise with those of us who are, being desperate to keep them as low-cost as possible. I think we should be realistic in acknowledging the car is here to stay & so is congestion, as this predates the car.
It is a myth perpetuated by Labour & some dubious statistics, that brings an urgency to the subject of congestion & how we must tackle it now before, the doom-mongers prophesy, we be engulfed in a sea of cars. Perhaps if all the roadworks are cleared, we can ease the congestion, so the nation can find a less deadlocked subject matter to discuss. Maybe the government can do so also, diverting their meddling mentality toward other non-issues that don't really deserve their attention.
Andrew Potter, Dereham, Norfolk
Bring on road pricing! I'm rich and would love to see all the poor people priced off the road, leaving it empty for me!
Max Hansol, London,
Dr Michell, you live in London. Dense population, meaning walkable distances, Tubes, many rail stations, lots of buses even lots of (expensive) taxis.Try living in rural or semi-rural England before you condescendingly pontificate again.
Ed Moran, Torquay,
Totally agree with you Alan. I was one of the lucky 1.6 million to recieve an email from our glorious PM, preaching about the investment in public transport (which seems to be getting worse in Manchester not better). His rictus grin could almost be seen between the lines. Why should us motorists be financially hounded, demonised and accused of single handedly ruining the environment? Until there is a fast, reliable and economical public transport system I for one will be remaining behind the wheel.
Suzanne, Manchester,
Has anyone in government thought about the effect that this anti car attitude will have on jobs and technological development ?
When Rover, Longbridge went bust, 6000 people were thrown out of work - imagine the numbers if Toyota, Nissan and others are forced to close because not enough Brits are buying cars. Hundreds of thousands of jobs at supplier companies depend on the manufacture and sale of cars in this country. The way we are going, Mr Brown will need to employ another half a million people in the public sector to keep them off the dole - imagine the rises in tax needed to pay for that.
tony dummelow, birmingham,
Being British means 'freedom of speach' and 'freedom of movement'. Petrol tax already costs me a mileage and conjestion tax of about 10p a mile in an average car, esential to get from a to b, and there can be no reduction in movement by charging more. The supermarkets have taken away the local shops, hard work has made it impossible to walk or carry goods from the supermarket, and my paltry pension makes it too expensive to use the proverbial taxis in the countryside.
This is another stealth tax to bleed those just above means tested benefits out of their hard made savings as it will not take a single car off the road.
What was the daily figure for new cars on the China roads? 1000 a day if I remember the Volkswagon report.
David, ossett,
50 years ago Britain was an industrial society and automobile manufacturing vital to its economy.
In a post-industrial, service based economy, we have to create the jobs somehow. Give a thought to those whose livelihood depends on the "milk the motorist" industry.
Paul, Munich, Germany
We have chosen to live our lives car free. As a direct result, we now have £200,000 invested for our old age which we almost certainly wouldn't have had if we'd owned a car. We can afford to take taxis when we want to, but most of the time walk (we're in very good physical condition!) or use public transport.
We don't have to worry about insurance, car theft, speed cameras, congestion charges, finding somewhere to park, traffic wardens or any of those many things that car owners all moan about.
In any case it's obvious that your real trouble is not the government, but all the oher people who insist on having a car...
Inger, Newcastle,
The EU has today instituted binding agreements to reduce CO2 by 20% befoer 2020. This may well not be enough but ever were it to be, it means that in all walks of life we have to reduce our energy and oil use. SO its bye bye to the car as we have known it and hullo to local life. If the future cost of climate change (trillions) were added to the present cost of motoring, I dont think we would have any problem with congestion!
colin bannon, Plymouth, UK
Dear Alan,
I am retiring soon and moving to Penzance and hoping to give up my car in the very near future. At the moment I drive from Forest Hill, through Lewisham to Greenwich every day to work and back and without fail have to move over to let noisy police cars go by, to where I know not. When I spent some time in Penzance recently I suddenly realised that all the time I was there I never once heard a police siren. The peace was a revelation. Also whilst I was there nobody beeped me or cut in front of me or shouted at me as I took 2 seconds to move when the lights went green. Not only did it feel like a different country, it felt like a different planet.
Helen Greenham, London, London
I feel the only solution I can envisage, is to emigrate. I once got a steely glare from my gran for such an unpatriotic comment, especially as both my grandfathers fought in World Wars, but I feel I this shall soon be my only option. Perhaps Dubai, my profession is more highly regarded there, although some next President Dub-ya of the World may want its' oil money. But at least in the war torn aftermath there will be no CCTV.
A Kipling, Birmingham,
Buddhism identifies three poisons of the mind which inevitably lead to human suffering and the current politicians setting transportation policy are infected with a lethal dose of all three. Craving - they desperately want to solve many complicated issues (e.g. pollution, global warming, congestion) with simple negative solutions. Ignorance - do SUVs add disproportionalty to congestion or pollution, why are motorcycles better than cars, will road pricing actually reduce congestion, are there positive solutions that will solve the problems? Hate - Car drivers are causing global warming, school run mums in SUVs should be banned, anyone who would rather drive than walk a half a mile deserves to pay. The facts: London traffic has gone down & its congestion has gone up, trains are raising rates because they have too many riders, TFL can't negotiate with their staff to run the tube at night. I suggest it is not the car driver who is the problem, but the politicians who are not doing their job.
Lee Watts, Bucks Horn Oak, Surrey Hampshire Border
Dear Mr Coren,
Congratulations! Having so publicly bemoned the changes in driving conditions you now qualify for an e-mail off the PM!!
Martin, Blackburn, England
Any action that reduces car ownership and car usage must be
welcomed. Hopefully, proposed leigislation will encourage those many people who cannot travel more than a few feet unless this is in a car, will act differently....
Dr David Mitchell, London, London
Oh, this brings back memories for me, much like your own. And, sadly, I also have to agree with you. The motorist in the UK is being taxed, demonised, and hounded by an ever more arrogant and hostile government. The amount of taxation clawed out of the motorist is huge, with less than half of it being returned in any form of transport policy. I see no reason why the motorist should be chosen to fund other aspects of public expenditure, especially public transport, which, by its very name, should be funded publicly, but was it not ever thus? Indeed, I read in this paper the other day, that we may not even be able to actually drive our cars soon, a robotic artificial intelligence will "relieve" us of this task. I am enjoying what is left of motoring whilst I can, for I fear that all too soon I will be legislated out of existence.
Adrian, Donegal, Ireland
> ... the Department for Jailing People Who Fasten Their Seatbelts After Moving Off.
Alive and well in South Yorkshire. Fined thirty pounds for forty yards after leaving Morrisons to clear the pumps for others and putting on the seatblelt the instant the inertia reel freed up.
Phil Payne, Sheffield, UK
If you drive half-mile to get a paper instead of walking or cycling then you deserve to pay.
Ian Murdey, Leicester, UK
Yes, but why on earth would you drive half a mile just to get a paper?
Victoria, London, UK
Having just paid to spend a week on the French autoroute driving to and from the Alps with the comfort of little traffic on a fast well maintained road I cannot see what all the fuss is about congestion charging, as no doubt we will soon be able to enjoy the same.
Sorry, I was day dreaming again, in the land of cuckoos where the heavily laden Prescott beast roams freely devouring all in its way.
Thanks to the democratic dictatorship installed by this pathetic group of right wingers in red dresses I have seen the light, amongst MANY MILLIONS of others as I am emigrating in 12 months time. There is nothing left here for the middle aged brits but dispair at the way things are compared to how they were for our parents.
Proud to be British bu oh so fed up with living in Britain. One phrase that sums my feelings up entirely is 'New Customers Only'. All we seem to do is look after the migrants and new comers whilst ignoring our pensioners and tax payers. UK RIP
Mark, Leicester, UK
I made a decision not to learn to drive some 30 years ago.
It's the best decision I have made.I can however drive having
done so working abroad, and am amazed at how many
can't execute a 3-point turn, or only use accelerator-brake,
making the clutch redundant. And don't get me started on the manners.
Peter Day, Doncaster, UK
Sorry to increase your misery Alan but your driving license is just the forerunner to the ID card.Wait till all the restrictions and targeting you now suffer are visited on you as a pedestrian when, after going to the shop and buying your newspaper etc with your credit card and showing your ID card,a policeman knocks on your door and demands to know why you were in the area where a crime was commited and can you prove your movements for the day.I hope you do not think me paranoid as this now happens with vehicle number plate recognition.It is known as lazy policing.Sorry if i,ve gone off topic.
John, Tyne&Wear, UK
Dear Mr Coren,
Why does the best of humour always reside so close to the bone?
G Stephenson, Highlands Nr. Inverness,
Dear Alan,
You could always walk the half mile to pick up your paper, thus saving yourself £63 in the process, giving yourself some, dare I say it, much needed exercise, and helping to reduce the snarl up of traffic as per the objective of the congestion charge.
Everyone's a winner,
Kind regards
Michael French, London,
Even allowing for a humorous writer's exaggerations, I can't see where Alan gets his £63 figure from. Anyway, why is he driving half a mile for a paper? The exercise of walking would do him good. Alternatively, I suspect he qualifies for a free bus pass. If he must drive, presumably he lives just outside the congestion zone, so why not go in the other direction? You don't have to go far to find a newsagent in London. But his admission that his car spends most of the time parked is telling. Having bought a car most people want to use it even for short trips. The government should give financial incentives to join car clubs, such as exemption from road pricing. That way, people would be more inclined to think about whether a car was really necessary for their particular trip. And it would ease the parking problem.
Barry, Wallington, uk
Why are you driving a half-mile anyway? If you can't walk a half-mile, you can't be in good enough shape to handle driving, can you? Driving requires a healthy body and mind. (Best to use a wheel chair or send your wife to fetch your paper.)
You could save a lot of money if you took the tube.
Cars are for the rich nowadays. They cost so much to buy and operate. It is unfair for the lower middle class.
jo-jo, London,
Juergen, cars are hardly more damaging to your personal health than smoking is. I wonder if you'll argue so viciously when chronic obstructive pulmonary disease ravages your lungs as it inevitably will, whilst your non-smoking city dwelling colleagues stay inexplicably well despite being surrounded by vehicles of death. Cars are already penalised for their impact on the environment through the road taxing system and fuel tax is pretty steep. In any case, the government have already tried the "deter people through excessive cost" approach with, surprise surprise, smokers. It didn't work, did it.
Dan, London, UK
Yeah, let's all stick the boot into motorists now we've cowed the smokers. That way we can all pretend we're planet-saving heroes rather than people who've found a way to stomp our opinions all over other people.
Mick , London, UK
You think it's tough, Juergen - I'm a smoker and a driver, a combination of vices that this government now pursues with more vigour than they do murderers and rapists.
As Cyril notes above, how on earth did we get to such an appalling state? We are now a nanny state, driven by a small but apparently immensely powerful group of do-gooders who have little grasp on reality, zero common sense, and a desire to have policy driven by every minority group. If this scheme will cost anything like the £62bn quoted in the article, on cost grounds alone it should be forgotten (and that's without the public sector's complete inability to forecast costs accurately - NB the Scottish Parliament; meant to cost £40m and ended up at almost £500m).
Were it not for the fact that the opposition parties offer no serious alternative to the loonies currently in power, this government would have been swept away long ago.
Al, Ayrshire, Scotland
Juergen, if you despise cars for polluting the atmosphere and destroying the planet, why do you smoke? That kills kids before they have time to get fat and enjoy rolling around.
Basically the hysteria surrounding both is getting out-of-hand. The government is to blame. It has done the same to fox-hunting, smoking, 4x4s, climate etc. Pointing a finger at others and saying to you, "there is the cause of your ills".
(That is how it works in arab countries, only their finger-pointing is West. It deflects from the fact that they are actually ruining your life andyour country.)
Sadly too many jump on the bandwaggon and are ready to persecute other people for their choices.
David Thijm, Stourbridge, UK
What a nice light hearted story, its such a pity people like Jeurgen feels as he does.
Yes, car are noisy and they in some cases do 'stink'. But wait, whats this - Jeurgen is a smoker, a person who pollutes other peoples air with filthy smoke.
Get real Jeurgen, its not only the cars that stink, you as a smoker are just as bad. People that live in glass houses should not throw stones.
David, Keighley, West Yorkshire
Oh how true.....
I think I wrote this article and not Alan!
Glyndwr Henry Jones, Hook, Haverfordwest, Pembrokeshire
This Government is peopled by 'On-The-Spot-Fine' maniacs who have brought down a plague upon a once-innocent country that I loved. Back in 1945 I was filled with hope for the future. How many of our servicemen would have died for the shambles this country now is? Who approved all this overpopulation with its so-called multi-cultural benefits, overpriced housing, lack of resources, stealth taxes and ASBOs? Absolutely no one that I have ever spoken to. Tell me this then, how did it all happen?
Cyril Randle, Walsall, England
How does it feel beeing on the receiving end of public wrath? I am a smoker, getting nearly criminalised for endangering not only my live but everybodies live as well.
Right, I do not own a car, I despise it for damaging not only my health, but also the environment, nature reserves, communities, villages, cities, makes kids obese, because they forgot how to walk or cycle to school. Private car ownership should be as penalised as any environment damaging activity and the more expensive it gets the more people realise that car ownership is more a bane than a liberation to the individual. Cars stink, are noisy, waste valuable resources, kill people, pollute the air, makes people obese. How many of you car owners drive to buy a newspaper only because it is drizzling outside???? Christ sake, I hope you pay up for this.
Juergen , swansea, wales