Alan Coren: Notebook
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At the close of last week’s cliffhanger, regular readers will recall, the cliff from which our hero was hanging by his slipping keyboard fingers was waiting for something to appear beneath it. Irregular readers will need to be told that the something was a G-Wiz. And a scant moment after our hero finished writing and plummeted into the abyss, it arrived. He landed beside it.
The G-Wiz is a tiny electric car. It is tiny because it is an electric car: if it were any less tiny than 2 metres long x 1 metre wide, it wouldn’t be a car at all, it would be a hut; it would not be able to move anywhere, because its motor would not be powerful enough to move it. Indeed, tiny though it is, it doesn’t move much anyway, since, after you have unplugged it from your wall, its charged battery will take you a mere 40 miles before it goes flat – ie, just 20 miles from the wall, unless you want to trudge home on foot.
Readers who have not seen a G-Wiz – not only because there aren’t many about but also because those that are about are so tiny that you will not have spotted one if a dog happened to be overtaking it – should envisage it as a miniature Popemobile. It is what the designers would have lifted on to the table to give the late Pope John Paul II an idea of what he would be buying. Last Wednesday, it is what Mrs Coren actually bought.
So, then, how is it in this abyss – which, as you know, I saw as the end of motoring as we know it? Well, it is the end of motoring as we know it. But it is terrific. When I motored as I knew it, the world hated me, not just because the big fast carbon-farters I drove were frying it, but because the world was full of enemies. This is no news to you: you know that the moment you get in your car, it becomes a tank. You are not ferrying the kids to school, you are not popping down to Waitrose, you are engaged in the battle for Kiev.
But as I Wiz around now, the world loves me. Motorists do not fight me for every last millimetre of territory, every last nanosecond of time, they wave me in, they smile, cyclists do not bang on my roof, they lift their thumbs, they doff their helmets, I am made an honorary cyclist, marathon trainers do not sprint from kerbs to make me swerve, they jog upon the spot to let me pass, pedestrians tug down their smogmasks to gasp a pally cheer, and – best, perhaps, of all – the Bentley driver paused beside me at the lights no longer sneers, the way he used to do; instead, he looks uneasily askance, as his tickover slides another slab of Greenland in the sea and the stunna in the glove-kid passenger seat tells him she must have one like that right now, dead cool, dead chic, in pink, wiv whitewall wossnames.
Mind you, I can gloat and bask like this for only an hour or so, because that is the way it is with batteries, but as driving hours go, very few ever got this good. Green and pleasant is what this is: I had a lot of fun as Mr Toad, but, these days, I’d rather be Kermit the Frog.
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Mr. Sanjeev Dheer,
You talk about the Reva of some years ago. This G-Wiz is made by Reva, although the article doesn't say so. Check the internet. I don't know if this is any better than the original.
Colin G, doha, qatar
Good for you Mr. Coren. Your G-Wiz may be little safer than a bicycle, and your fearful readers may worry, but let them go around in armoured 4x4s and bullet proof vests if they wish. You will be using no fuel while sitting stationary next to them in traffic queues. And the vehicle is narrow enough to let the really efficient vehicles (bicycles) whizz past!
A Clarke, London,
You really are having a laugh, I don't suppose you've ever seen a G-Wizz after it was hit by a bus? Of for that matter considered what happens if a G-Wizz were to hit a decent car like a 40-50mpg VW Golf TDI?
I hate this recent rubbish of journalists thinking that Hybrid and electric cars are the answer... They aren't, take the Toyota Prius for example... Full of batteries which are difficult to produce and recycle and it only gets 44mpg, not the 60 mpg advertised. If people want a serious economical car that doesn't conk out after forty minutes and is actually safe then they should buy a Smart Car of a Volkswagen Fox.
This green thing is getting way out of control, you could sell people peddle powered go-karts as long as they had a Hybrid / Electric sticker on it.. Actually thats not a bad idea.
Luke Faichney, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire
How "green" can this be? An eletric car will only be as "green", as the sources for the electricity used to "charge". Currently (according to EON) about 3/4 of UK electricity is generated from fossil fuels (coal, gas, oil), about 21% from nuclear energy and less than 5% from renewable sources...... Does the Coren household use one of the (unfortunately few) "green electricity"-providers?.
Andreas Ottitsch, Penrith, UK
A jelly-bean toytown eco-friendly car like G-Wiz ,can be a roaring success on the street of London, ......but if we talk of Indian sub-continent, an innovative experimental car brought out few years back, running on batteries and electric circuitry, got flunked and failed to see the light of the day. Well, I'm reminded of one such eco-friendly, environmentally suited car named "Reva" which was launched on the Indian roads about a decade and a half back. At the time of its advent, there was much of media hype, buzz and hoopla of this being the most happening 'in thing' of the times to come. No more of petrol fuel usage, no gaseous emissions, no heat factor, the twin-seater car was an ideal automobile to beat the threat and looming danger of petroleum shortages. In a short span, it went of the roads and some vestige left overs are now gathering dust in some museum like vintage classics. Poor market response, with low pick up, inefficient HP strength and bland tastes, sealed its fate..
Sanjeev Dheer, New Delhi, India
The selfrighteous lobby that condemns the motor car for all the ills affecting the atmosphere should try to look at the real causes.
Carbon footprints are all round the world. Thereare many nations that do not give a damn about pollution, destruction of our precious habitat and the plight of endangered species.
So the 'Motorist', the persecuted majority, is once again hounded into a corner and then milked till the pips squeak.
The profits thereof, used to fund another useless project or to be spent, extravagantly on expenses and junkets for M.Ps.
Dr Clive Feingold, Bowdon, Cheshire, U.K.
I wouldn't be so smug.. take a look at this month's Evo magazine where they crash test one of these. Because they're not classified as a proper car, there is no necessity for them to conform to any of the same safety standards. If anything else on the road(which has) happens to hit you, tour chances of escaping even a slow speed impact without serious injury appear very slim.
Drive VERY carefully!
Andrew Ennis, Maulden, Bedfordshire
Why are people still buying these? Has nobody seen the Topgear report on how fatal these cars are in impacts? Its absolutly sickening the amount of damage that this car suffered at a relativly low speed (34 mph) where the crash dummy had to be cut out in three pieces (at 34 mph!!). In equivilent tests in other small cars the crash dummy was fine. Taking the kids to school in it is not far off letting them take ectacsy in my book!
Chris, London, UK
How very noble - G-Wiz drivers / passengers can rest assured that they are doing the very best for this over-populous, consumer-oriented, "carbon-farting" planet of ours. Not only are they preserving hydrocarbons, reducing emissions, and looking smug, they are volunteering to be seriously suicidal crash head dummies. (see topgear.com/gwiz). Keep buying, driving and crashing the G-Wiz car/quadricycle, and save the planet for the rest of us petrolheads. Did I say something wrong / politically incorrect ? Jeremy Clarkson for President !
John LOW, HONG KONG, CHINA
People are probably being nice to you because they think you are some sort of invalid in a thing like this.
Thinking about it though, put a disabled sticker on it and you could park it anywhere, drive on the pavement if the roads are too congested and probably have an attendant open the door for you at Harrods.....Hmmmm maybe its not such a bad thing. (Just don't get recognised in it).
Mike Jones, Farnborough, Hampshire
Although it would seem amusing to Europeans who have been accustomed to them in their thousands for years, we had a similar experience when we purchased one of the first ever Smart cars to be sold in Australia. Policemen would put the red and blues on to pull us over to ask about the car, petrol station cashiers would abandon their tills for a closer look and passers by of all shapes, sizes and origins would flag us down as we drove along. All inevitably asking the same question "is is electric?" although occasionally enlivened by the alternative "is it nuclear powered?" (apparently in complete seriousness). The best bit was the universal smiles it put on faces, especially children. Although many people confessed they couldn't see themselves having one, not one negative comment or reaction in 3 years of driving it. Now they are a bit more common the reactions are slightly less obvious, but in a country where the V8 monster car still rules (just) still inevitably positive.
Nic, Sydney, Australia
Dear gentle, English, brainwashed, downtrodden, subservient Mr Coren (lately known as Alan - now, I fear, as Uriah). How our favourite mildly-derisive humourist must love and honour his good lady to deliver himself so firmly (and permanently ?) into bondage.
Everyone here looks forward to following his jolly little adventures in Noddyland - but don't forget to wear the little wiggley hat with the bell on't.
Time for bed now - goodnight Children - everywhere !
Lots of little handkerchief waves from lovely little Estonia - where men are still sometimes masters at home and vehicles have so much room to breathe, it's an event when you pass one !
David Wayland, Tallinn, Estonia
Come to Florence in Italy, there are 100's of these tiny things and lots of places to plug them in!
Alyson, Firenze, Italia