“Hello? No thanks love, don’t want nothing thanks. You what? My name? I ain’t falling for that, you’re gonna sell it ain’t yer? I know your tricks.

“An election? Oh, right, right, yeah, I did see one of them posters. Orange, innit? You what? Oh, right, right. You’re not . . . well ’oo are yer then?

“Me? Whadda you care? Never come round between the elections, do yer? Ain’t seen yer for four years, ’ave we? What? I never seen yer? New, are yer? Well there you are, proves me point, don’t it?

“I ain’t voting for you, you seen the state of that playground? Dirty great nail on the swings, it ain’t safe for the kids, you know. You what? The council? Always someone else, innit? Never your fault. ‘Not my party.’ Well whose bleedin’ party is it, then, not mine that’s for sure. You’re all the same.

“A candidate for what? Parliament? Ooh! What’s Parliament ever done for me? Load of hot air, that’s what it is. Natter, natter. Where’s me next free trip? Don’t change nothing, do yer?

“Well I ain’t voting for yer, not after what you done to the ’ospital. The ’ospital. Down the road. Shut it down, didn’t they? I was born there, I was. You what? Never you mind how long ago, you cheeky bugger. Closed it, didn’t they.

“Oh, when did they close it? That must be — lemme think now. Eh, Terry, Terry! Where was yer when yer ’ad yer ’eart done? Was it in the ’ospital down the road? What? In the new one. Right. Well, I dunno, love, must have been ten years since it shut. Yeah, got a new one now, miles away, ten minutes on the bus, twenty if it stops at Asda. Every week I do that bleedin’ journey, to get me treatment.

“Yeah, it is nice, I suppose. It’s like a hotel in there, all glass and that. And the nurses, they’re ever so kind, you know, God bless ’em. I’d give ’em all a pay rise, I would. Mind you, they got a nice café there now, and this little shop where you buy cards and that. Flowers, too . . .

“There used to be flowers down here, y’know. A nice little park. Well, scrubland really. But there were flowers. Wild ones, mind. Kids could play down here then. Down beyind the back of the lavatories. None of these houses there then. No . . .

“Nowhere for the kids to play now. Bleedin’ football up and down the street, drives me mad. Never know if they’re gonna mug yer. Yeah, they’re me son’s friends ain’t they, so they’re all right mostly, you know, good kids and that, except for that Paul Forrest, little scoundrel, mind you what can you do, dad in prison — mind you, you never see no police do yer? Surprised they caught him at all.

“You should go see Mrs Grove in No 43, mind you you won’t find her in now, she’ll be down at the Sure Start. Mugged, she was, right here in broad daylight, well not here, you know, down on the estate but you never know do yer? You ’ear these things.

“Her son, right, he got a place at the university. They were right proud. But he can’t afford to go, can he, now there’s fees. Bleedin’ disgrace that is, ending free education.

“Well, I don’t know about any grants and that . . . Only people who get grants these days is travellers. Travellers, my arse! ’Scuse me French. Why don’t they travel away then? I’m not racist, but — scrounging layabouts, that’s what I reckon. All from Europe, ain’t they? Just here for the benefits. Know what I’d do? Send ‘em all home, that’s what.

“You know that new school they built? Built it for the travellers. Them and the Polish — you know, all the builders. Bleedin’ asylum-seekers. Nicking our jobs. Couldn’t get me own kids into the new school, I couldn’t.

“Well, no, actually, didn’t try and get them in, did I? We’ve always gone to Park End High, in this street. New bleedin’ school for gypsies not much good to Vicki, is it.

“Never seen you before, ’ave I? Never see you again, neither. Well you might ’ave a job and lucky you. What you want another one for then? Me and Terry don’t bother with jobs. Not since his ’eart. Needs lookin’ after. He’s on the incapacity, ain’t he.

“Labour done nothing for me. Nothing. I ain’t voting Blair again. He’s a liar. Not that Tory guy, neither, he’s weird. Maybe the Liberals, but they want more blacks, don’t they? Or was it more babies? Can’t remember.

“Oy, ’ello! ’Ello! Didn’t see you there, love. Am I on telly? What channel you from? Terry! Terry! Turn the telly on! Well, turn over then! Channel 4! What did you say? BBC4? What’s that when it’s at home?

“Didn’t vote Labour last time, no. Didn’t vote, did I. 1990 what? ’97? Dunno, love. Can’t remember when I did. Well, they’re all the same, ain’t they? Just in it for the money. Can’t see the point. You take care now . . .”

Please post all complaints on the website www.notapathetic.com

Times Recommends

• In the real world, the public sector must pay
• Playing politics in a land of double Dutch
• Be like the plinth people: not set in stone