Young Clegg told to stop beating about the bush and cut the waffle

Master Nicholas Clegg, who gave up a flourishing paper round to become leader of the Liberal Democrats, has taken tough advice from his new image guru, John Sharkey. Frankly, and with no beating about the bush, and in a very real sense, the former Saatchi & Saatchi adman has ordered his new client to stop waffling.

While not quite in the Neil Kinnock class, Cleggy developed such a reputation as a waffler while campaigning for the party leadership that inquiring about fellow sufferer Jim Naughtie’s health would have kept the two men occupied for the best part of an hour. Yet the Lib Dem leader was noticeably brisker and more businesslike during prime minister’s questions last week. It wasn’t quite the self-confident panache of a Vince Cable, but at least he didn’t trip over his shoelaces, figuratively speaking, as Ming Campbell did.

According to a source at party headquarters, the words “of course” and “frankly” are especially frowned on by Sharkey. So if you hear them in a Clegg speech in the near future, do feel free to point this out in some way. Speaking frankly, I’m sure that, of course, he’ll be grateful.

A Lib Dem’s case for equal opportunities - even for princesses

Viscount Severn (not a classic car but the Earl of Wessex’s son) is not even a month old but already finds himself at the centre of a sex discrimination case. Liberal Democrat MP Lynne Featherstone was furious to see him promoted in the royal family firm at the expense of his big sister, Lady Louise Windsor. Amusingly, young Severn becomes eighth in line to the throne.

The MP has now asked the equality and human rights commission to investigate the royal family for sex discrimination. “This is completely at odds with how a head of state should be selected in modern Britain,” says Featherstone. While they’re at it, when did we last have a black monarch?

Enough to drive you up the wall and round the bend

Like me, you’ll often have wondered about the correct way of leaving a bus. Well, at last help is at hand from Bracknell council, Berkshire, which has issued a “beginner’s guide” to buses that includes many helpful tips: no need to worry any longer, for example, about recognising a bus stop. Here, then, is what you do about leaving a bus. “If you want to get off at a stop, please ring the bell by pushing one of the buttons which are usually located on vertical poles.”

If you have seen government information that is more pointless and patronising, do let me know. But do not make any reckless attempt to get in touch until you’ve read my glossy brochure, A Beginner’s Guide to Being Patronised at Your Own Expense.

Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York, plans an audience with the Pope on January 24. Can he afford to wait that long? With an ambitious new Catholic convert like Tony Blair on the lookout for prestigious jobs, who knows who could be pontiff in a couple of weeks’ time?

Scouts hoping to earn the new PR badge should beat a path to Peter Hain’s door, where he has an image that needs polishing. He might even slip you a few bob. But make sure you declare it.

It just gets worse for Gordon Brown, who has now been banned from every pub in Skipton. His name was added to a list of potential troublemakers by police and publicans in the North Yorkshire town because, thanks to Labour’s smoking ban, the mere sight of the prime minister might enrage other customers.

Which is all very well, but won’t a ban in Skipton just shift the Gordon problem to Ilkley and other nearby towns?

Why is Ann Widdecombe like an elephant? Good grief, no - how dare you. It’s because she never forgets. The BBC once signed up the Tory MP for a summer season of This Week, but decided instead to stick with Michael Portillo and Diane Abbott. Jamie Donald, editor in charge of live politics on the BBC, says ruefully: “To this day this great media stalwart won’t appear on any of my programmes.”

Honestly, you wouldn’t trust this lot to run a bath. First Peter Hain has £103,000 worth of amnesia, and now trade minister Digby Jones is admitting “an administrative error” in failing to declare, until recently, that he had shares in an industrial cleaning company, i-Clean, that could benefit from any deep clean of NHS hospitals. Lord Digby, who is new to politics, might normally get the benefit of the doubt.

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