In these changing times, and changing Times, it is the duty of all of us to embrace the opportunity presented by internet technology, to entertain and engage with our readership like never before. As media analysts and others who really have cracked the system never tire of telling us, this is a new age and we must be ready for it.

Did you know that twice daily this newspaper provides its writers (not me, I'm not on the system and you are about to find out why) with an update of the most searched-for buzzwords on Times Online, in the United Kingdom and throughout the rest of the world? This handy fact sheet points us in the direction of what words and expressions might generate the most number of hits, and could therefore be subtly inserted into our work in sentences such as “...Liverpool (No 32) may be about as efficient as French banker Jérôme Kerviel (10), and a Grand Canyon (54) away from catching Chelsea (62), but it could be worse; at least they haven't been hit by a falling satellite (38)...”).

Alternatively, it offers a general guide to what the world finds interesting when it is not downloading from Qtrax (54) or trying to work out the difference between Blu-ray (27) and high-definition DVD (64) without asking a passing ten-year-old.

It is therefore, the aim of this column to mention, specifically, lucidly and not in gratuitous list format, the 75 most searched for topics on the web (no 37), in the hope that this will become the page that it is impossible for the Facebook (33) generation to avoid, much like transport chaos in the North London area whenever Arsenal (24) are at home. If successful, 99 per cent of the world's computer users will be directed to this column as relentlessly as a recent graduate from the super skinny me (36) programme is drawn to a nightspot where Cristiano Ronaldo (56) hangs out. And, forget local issues, the turgid sagas of Newcastle United (34) and Michael Owen's (44) missing form, we're aiming high, going for the worldwide audience: from Pakistan (74) to Cyprus (45). And on that note I would like to wish all my readers a happy Chinese new year (71).

I know what you are thinking. This is just not cricket (15), as Harbhajan Singh (11) might say. You're a discerning reader, not some random yahoo (55) who spends his day jacked up on China snow (16) morbidly surfing the net for Meredith Kercher (20) and Madeleine McCann (22) updates or pictures of Maria Sharapova's (41) breasts (68). You turn to The Times for serious analysis of the situation in India (51), to discover the best movies of 2007 (5) or the torque of the new VW Tiguan (65). You are not interested in piffle about David Beckham (13) or celebrity baby names (39). If this is the way modern media are heading, you might as well take your reality from a Tom Cruise Scientology video (58) and emigrate to Australia (66).

Or China (19).

Although perhaps not Kenya (7).

And certainly not on board BA038 (70).

And I understand. Arming journalists with the knowledge that Dennis Wise (72) and the moody Australian cricketer Shaun Tait (47) are of greater global interest than the election of Samak Sundaravej (75) in Thailand could lead to a Big Brother (26)-style plunge down-market, reducing the press to nothing but nudes (42), gossip from the set of the latest Harry Potter (50) film and pictures of Amy Winehouse smoking crack (53). Pretty soon we'll have to take another Cudlipp Lecture in morality and I'd rather the planet get hit by asteroid2007tu24 (4) and turn into Cloverfield (73) or Bosnia (59) before Bill Clinton (12) got involved than stomach that again.

Yet the primary (69) concern of media is audience. Fail to acknowledge that and you could end up working for the London News (67), or singing Elvis Presley songs (23) outside Clinton (14) Cards in the shopping precinct.

The markets are ever changing. Look at BCCI (40). Ask Meredith Whitney (48). Serious news outlets may feel the battle between Barack Obama (1) and Hillary Clinton (2) is important, we may think the world turns on the words of Mitt Romney (3), John McCain (8) or even John McCain's daughter (9), but since much of the planet is largely preoccupied with how to have sex (35) - although probably not the ones with bones turning to stone (31) - who are we to judge?

We are in the age of the I phone (46). This is an information revolution, catering for all tastes from Goldman Sachs (21) brokers to Manchester United (30) season ticket holders, so the media, too, must be ready to provide both sides of the argument, whether Ashley Cole (29) or Cheryl Cole (63), to contemplate all philosophies from Bobby Fischer (52) to Vladmir Putin (28). To play, if you excuse the pun, both sides of the net, one minute Novak Djokovic (18), the next Roger Federer (49).

So with that said, do not forget to return to this page tomorrow when, thanks to the most recent market research on what you, the public, want, Johnny Depp (60) will provide in-depth analysis of the Bush tax refund (25), while Rudy Giuliani (17) offers his appreciation of Heath Ledger's (6) seminal performance in A Knight's Tale. Meanwhile, the Tottenham Hotspur central defender Alan Hutton (61) will explain how a slight shift in the wind can turn a wave deadly (43).

Or maybe he won't.

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