Sathnam Sanghera
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War. Disease. Pestilence. Alex Wotherspoon's continuing survival on The Apprentice. Sometimes it seems as if all news is bad news. But how about this for an incontrovertibly cheering development: the divorce rate in India has increased 100 per cent in the past five years.
Of course, divorce statistics should never be taken at face value. It turns out that the famous “fact” that US marriages have a 50 per cent chance of failure was based on someone once dividing the number of divorces in a particular year by the number of marriages in the same year, which is almost as mathematically nonsensical as determining the popularity of cheese products by dividing sales of Mini Cheddars in 1998 by sales of Cheesy Wotsits in 2003.
And, as is so often the case with Indian data, the number doesn't quite withstand analysis. It was quoted recently by the founder of secondshaadi.com, a website for those seeking to remarry, but it transpires that official national statistics for the sub-continent are in fact unavailable because divorces are handled on a local level. However, local figures back up the gist of the trend - over the past four years the divorce rate in Delhi has doubled, for instance - and I'm sure you'll agree with me that the development is worthy of being marked with celebratory bhangra.
Though, having said that, and having just read around the subject, you might not agree at all. Everywhere that the divorce rate is rising - and it is doing so in China, Indonesia, Italy and Spain, to name a few countries - people have a tendency of not being very relaxed about it. Governments have commissioned studies into the trend, blaming everything from Viagra to internet dating, while marital breakdown has been accused of causing everything from gang violence to juvenile delinquency and teenage suicides.
So I'll concede that divorce is not always a family pack of cheesy Wotsits, or even a free packet of mini Cheddars. But the rising rate of separations in India should nevertheless be welcomed for one simple reason: it shatters once and for all the myth that arranged marriages are more successful than their Western counterparts.
I spent my twenties trying and failing to fulfil my family's desire for me to succumb to a betrothal to a good Sikh girl and if I had a penny every time someone - English and Indian - remarked, “actually, arranged marriages do very well, maybe you should give it a shot”, I could have solved the problem by purchasing several mail-order brides.
Last year this moronic viewpoint even informed an entire BBC TV series called Arrange Me a Marriage, in which Aneela Rahman, a Glaswegian “matchmaker” with an accent so piercing that she made Cilla Black sound measured, got families to match their single relatives according to class, education, family background, life goals and earnings.
“For your typical Brit, meeting someone is quite random,” she trilled. "Going out, getting drunk, falling into bed...I mean, you wouldn't buy your car drunk, so why would you expect to find a life partner like that?” Leaving aside the implication that being set up with a date on a TV show is somehow healthier than making a drunken pass at someone in a bar, I object to all of Rahman's arguments vehemently.
Marrying someone on the basis of class and money is superficial. Families are the last people who should be entrusted with the task of finding you a spouse, for they are incapable of appreciating that you may have changed since the age of 12. And the high “success” rate of arranged marriages relative to their Western counterparts is in large part attributable to two rather unsavoury factors, the first of which is repression.
Indian youth are so limited in their encounters with the opposite sex that, when they are married off to a random gimp their parents approve of, they have nothing to measure the relationship against and endure behaviour others wouldn't consider reasonable over a single evening let alone a lifetime.
Second, many arranged marriages survive simply because divorce is not a realistic option for those involved. Indeed, Hindi offers no word for “divorce” - the phrase people tend to use is the Urdu word talak - and until now those stuck in abusive or dysfunctional relationships would simply have to endure whatever came their way, because they were instructed it was their “kismet”, or destiny, to do so.
Such a sense of duty can, of course, be noble and Western celebrities who marry and divorce more often than they floss their teeth could learn from it. My parents had an arranged marriage and my mother stuck with my father through some extremely challenging times because she grew to love him and felt a profound sense of duty to make things work out. I'm grateful that she did, not least because I wouldn't have been born otherwise, but no one should be compelled to endure hardship. Similarly, I wish that the handful of Indian women on the street I grew up on in the West Midlands, who were regularly beaten up by their brutal husbands, had had the option of escaping.
I don't think their traumatised children would have been worse off as a result and I hope those politicians who bewail the breakdown of the institution of marriage here in Britain, where the divorce rate is actually at a 30-year low, appreciate that the institution of divorce is worth defending with as much as seriousness and passion.
sathnam@thetimes.co.uk
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Sathnam...
awesome...!!!
as people in the subcontinent can accept "arranged marraiges" i wonder why they cant accept "love"marriages!!!
wonder how i will tell my folks abt my boy friend!!! :)
Sneha, Trivandrum, India
I dont want to say anything for or against marriages or suppression or choice... anything can be succesful but dear Sathnam along with the rate of increase in divorce rate in Delhi do not ignore the rate of decrease in no of arranged marriages there
Vishal, Brighton,
I know many miserable middle-aged people looking for the 'one' who now want to give arranged marriage a chance. If anyone expects marriage to be a constant honeymoon, they're not being real but if this is what you're seeking, good luck - just give a thought to the children left behind.
Amerjit Kaur, Birmingham, UK
I tireof the endless list of celebrities of indian origin having a good old rant about the successes of arranged marriages. You have just lost the essence of your roots, there is something special there but can you find it? lets isolate the reasons via the indian virtue not the english education
Harvey Heer, Birmingham,
I agree with David Space com pletely. The number of marriages in UK has decreased very much. People are not getting married because of fear that if the marriage does not work, he or she will lose a lot of money. They just live together.
T.Ghosh, Southall,
Thanks Satnam
Once again a profoundly honest piece of writing.
I call the whole indian marriage scene ' the cattle market';
Yes repression and emotional blackmail lead people up the aisle and heaven help those wretched individuals who suffer in the name of family izzat .
Simerjit Kalra, Reading, UK
I live in Wolverhampton and know many Asian women who have divorced their husbands. I asked some of my Asian friends about it and was told that women are no longer prepared to put up with rubbish in their marriages. I know four who have had husbands who have been alcoholic and abusive.
Amanda R, Wolverhampton, UK
not all arranged marriages are successful and not all white marriages end up in divorce although i do agree with some of the writers points about repression and family pressure. made me chuckle though - if my parents had their way i'd have married some boring dentist (not all dentists are boring!)
ann, stourbridge,
"Families ...are incapable of appreciating that you may have changed since the age of 12"
This is their strong suit. People don't change, they become evemore what they always were, only less openly so.
Anna, Italy, Italy
'But the rising rate of separations in India should nevertheless be welcomed for one simple reason: it shatters once and for all the myth that arranged marriages are more successful than their Western counterparts'.
This is a great article. I agree with Sathnam's comments 100%.
MS, New York, USA
Neither arranged nor the western non-arranged marriages are a guarantee of success. To use an economics term, the consumers suffer from imperfect information when making a decision. This is not helped by the fact the time wounds all heels too.
In my view marriage is a lottery.
Girish, Cambridge,
..Anyone who knows anything about data and numbers will know that the best way to massage figures is to use volumes when percentages are poor and vice-versa.eg,1 person dies of Ebola in a population of 1m.A year later,5 people die in a pop. of 1.2m.You can then use headlines like "Ebola rate soars".
Tarun Yadav, Essex, UK
Unfortunately, although the absolute level of divorce in the UK is indeed close to a 30-year low, that's not the same as the divorce rate. The fall in divorces is only due to the equally rapid decline in the number of marriages. The divorce "rate" in the UK is nearly at an all-time high!
David Space, London, UK
Sathnam paaji. You fail to realise that your unfortunate personal experience's bear no relevance in the desi-diaspora at large. I was brought up in a traditional Sikh Punjabi family in Wolverhampton too. My life is good, my family ties are strong, & yes, family marriages - to Sikhs, are succesful!
P Singh, Wolverhampton, UK
Sathnam
Thank you for this article, it shows that freedom to choose is what makes our lives worth living. Many of us saw parents suffer in silence in years gone by. Life is too short to live it with a partner who is unsuitable.
Thanks for shooting down the myth of arranged marriages.
John Bostock, Huddersfield, UK