Things are getting rather heated over at the schools department . . .

Schools secretary Ed Balls didn’t let the Sats fiasco spoil his summer party for the media, where revellers linked arms amid a hearty chorus of “Knees up, Gordon Brown”. Or they would have done, no doubt about it, had everybody not been so uncomfortably hot.

The department’s air-conditioning goes off at 7pm, so it was a sweaty throng that heard Balls speak in praise of his ministers. Well, most of them. There was no glowing report for schools minister Andrew Adonis. Is Balls, the UK’s last remaining Brownite, still wary of the Blairite Adonis? And is this something a simple fight in the playground would sort out?

BORIS JOHNSON: AN APOLOGY

We apologise for the absence of any amusing stories about the mayor of London, a breach of all modern newspaper practice. There is a temporary shortage of Johnson anecdotes, probably caused by increased demand from diarists in India and China.

Some leaky arguments on the Labour message board

Labourhome, the website where members of the party go to weep quietly and beat their chests, has been wondering where it all went wrong with Gordon. And the man who gets the blame is Stephen Carter, the PR whiz brought in to sharpen the prime minister’s image.

“Why have things changed and when did they change?” asks one contributor. “They changed in 2008, upon the appointment of Stephen Carter in January.”

The anonymous writer then calls for Carter and his team to be sacked. But how much weight should we set by this contribution? Because the writer goes on to complain about leaks from No 10: “By and large, MPs and their staff are extremely disciplined and rarely do this.”

What a wonderful thought. No, MPs and their advisers never leak to the press, Gordon and Tony were always the best of chums and Alistair Darling’s eyebrows are the same colour as his hair.

Dave considers a new career for his trouble couple

We’ve seen David Cameron the ecologist and, more recently, the moral crusader. Now here is Cameron the careers adviser. In particular, he is beginning to wonder if Sir Nicholas and Lady Ann Winterton, Tory MPs of a somewhat traditional bent, are in the right jobs. Cameron aides say he would “not be disappointed” if the Wintertons pursued other careers at the next election, although he will not be putting pressure on their local parties.

Sir Nicholas is a stout defender of MPs’ expenses. He and his wife were criticised last month for wrongly claiming money for a second home. And when Tory MPs revealed details of their recent expenses, the Wintertons were among seven Tories who failed to publish. “The Wintertons’ behaviour has made them increasingly isolated within the party,” says a senior Conservative official.

It started with no, thanks but ended as Yes, Minister

Before Harriet Harman was touted as Labour leader, Yes Minister was the funniest thing in politics. But the late Paul Eddington, pictured, needed convincing. John Howard Davies, former BBC head of comedy, says the actor initially turned down the part of Jim Hacker. “He said it would never work, that politics wasn’t funny and that politicians were horrible,” Davies tells this week’s Comedy Connections on BBC1. Eddington made it work, made it funny and made ministers human. With a U-turn like that, what a loss to politics.

- In these dark times, Dawn Primarolo keeps up our spirits by announcing that sexual health policy is being reviewed by the Sexual Health Independent Advisory Group (SHIAG). Presumably the nonindependent Sexual Health Advisory Group was too embarrassed to appear in public. All we need to know now is, which Acronyms Research Systems Executive thought that one up?

- Among contributions to a BBC online debate about Britain’s worst monarch, a lone vote for Henry III comes from a British expat in Nova Scotia, one Adrian de Montfort. It was Henry’s forces, you might remember, who killed Simon de Montfort, creator of the modern parliament, in 1265. Come on, Adrian, time to forgive and forget.

- Ministers are most insistent that we save the planet by turning lights off, wearing a dozen cardigans, and switching off Top Gear. But is the political class doing its bit? The Tory MP John Redwood suggests not. At a lunch on the House of Lords terrace to discuss climate change, he noticed all 96 lights were on despite the bright sunlight. “I suggested they turned them off but to no avail,” he says. So next time a minister appears on television to lecture you about climate change, switch off. It’ll save energy.

Little Britain

An upmarket home is for sale complete with resident tortoise. Willie the tortoise has spent 60 years crawling round the garden of the 17th-century Avon Croft, Old Town, Stratford, in Warwickshire. “I’ve had clients who ask that purchasers take on an elderly cat or chickens,” said estate agent James Oliver, “but I’ve never sold a property with a live-in tortoise before.”

– Coventry Evening Telegraph

A clergyman has taken to wearing a builder’s hard hat as well as a dog collar to protect himself from two ferocious seagulls. Canon Graham Minors, 63, of St Petroc’s church, Bodmin, in Cornwall, said he was left looking like “Bob the Builder with a dog collar” but added: “On the upside, at least the gulls are being good parents and trying to protect their young.”

– Western Morning News

Forget the home of the Spitfire or ocean sailing – Southampton has a new claim to fame. The city has been named the UK’s nerd capital. An internet survey scored towns and cities across the UK by comparing population to the amount of “nerdy” businesses and groups in the area: chess clubs, libraries, model shops, stamp collecting clubs and computer gaming shops.

– Southern Daily Echo

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