Caitlin Moran
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You know what they say - a week is a long time in politics. Although, to be fair, when Harold Wilson coined the phrase, he didn't have a journey from Liverpool to King's Cross - accompanied by vomiting toddler twins - and including a bus replacement service from Luton onwards - as a comparison point.
Still. Be that as it may, the trueism holds true. A week is a long time in politics - so who knows how Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin's career may be faring, come Friday. Currently, however, she is one red-hot piece of political ass. You can't move for pictures of that feisty Alaskan MILF - or should that me VPILF? - and her gun collection. It's like Shania Twain's mother has tooled up, watched one episode of the pinko-liberal West Wing with disgust, and then decided to bagsy the White House. Who's talking about Obama now, eh? Obama? Over-ma, more like.
In the UK, the continuing revelation of Palin's autobiographical facts have been reported with a nervous, blinky amazement. She named one of her children - Piper - after a make of snow plough! She believes that victims of incest or rape should be denied abortion! She thinks the world was made in seven days! She regularly kills things - not like just wasps, or even a chicken - but stuff like bears! And mooses!
Imagine if there was a British candidate for Deputy Prime Minister who had a child called “JCB”, believed raped children should endure labour, dismissed evolution and regularly shot gigantic animals. It would be regarded as borderline sectionable behaviour.
In America, however, it makes them even hotter for Palin. To be crude, a tough chick with great hair who shoots things - that just turns America on. They like the idea of politicians who could hold their own in a bar brawl.
This is one of those instances of international nuance where you see that the Atlantic Ocean should, really, be renamed The Aesthetic Gulf. It's the same difference in US/UK attitude that became apparent around the time of the Millennium Bug. In America, survivalists in Minnesota built a whole, self-sufficient underground complex, complete with air-filtration system and hydroponic greenhouses. In the UK our most high-profile Millennium Bug planning came from Richard Madeley and his Millennium Cupboard - in which he placed tinned sardines, Wet Wipes and a torch.
And you know what? Along with Doctor Who and Cardigan Bay and flapjacks, this makes me proud to be British. We're utterly wet and a weed. Hurrah! I like the fact that - without ever talking about it - we all decided we didn't, actually, want to survive the Apocalypse. Because, yes, we'd be alive - but in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, full of buff, shouting American survivalists. The British are only into living so long as it's civilised and pleasant. As soon as we have to poo in a hole and lose reception of BBC4, we're quite happy to become extinct. We are not into all this forceful, effortful, yippy, yappy, living-and-winning-at-any-cost stuff. We don't want ripped, renegade leaders, like Gerard Butler in 300, shouting, “Tonight, we dine in Hell!” We want someone who is, ultimately, very good at accounts, shouting, “Tonight, we dine in the dining room!”
And indeed, wanting a slightly anaemic-looking accountant as leader seems to be the watermark of all peaceful, civilised countries. The election of a buff leader almost invariably leads to trouble. Ólafur Grimsson, President of Iceland, for instance, looks like someone who eschews the viscerality of tea in favour of a weak, lemony drink. In New Zealand, Helen Clark had her most controversial moment when, at a charity auction, she attempted to pass off another person's watercolour sketch as her own. As for Pascal Couchepin of Switzerland, he might - just - be able fight his way out of a single wet paper bag. But if two were to come at him at once - game over.
Russia elects Vladimir Putin, on the other hand - a man who releases topless, buff shots of himself - and suddenly there's nuclear and Chechnya and Cold War all over the place. It's almost as if, should you vote in a leader who appears to have a “surviving a geo-political meltdown, merely with the power of his fists” function, you shouldn't be surprised if, one day, he wants to test it.
So when I look at our uniformly mild, paunchy, metrosexual British politicians, it makes me swell with both pride and relief. I love that David Cameron's idea of all-out war would be shouting, “You've really got my dander up, you grotty little man” as he cycled past his enemy's house. Nick Clegg looks like he'd whimper, “Don't touch my beautiful face” if someone brought out a flick-knife in a subway. Even our hardest politician - John Prescott - is a man who merely hit another man, once, and would refer to a gun as an “automatic revolvamator”. Sarah Palin would shoot him, skin him and turn his head into a handbag in under a minute.
You can't trust politicians who go to the gym because - and I'm fairly sure this is true anywhere in the world - in the gym, you're stuck watching trashy daytime TV, like Jeremy Kyle, which could easily lead you to believe that humanity is dissolute and corrupt, and needs to come under stricter state control. Going to the gym - and I believe this is on the verge of being scientifically proven - turns you into a blood-thirsty fascist potentate.
Additionally, if you've spent two hours bench-pressing, you're going to be shattered by 9.30pm, and looking to be under your duvet by 10pm. Yes, that's right, you're going to miss Newsnight and with it, any hope of a balanced global overview. You will, alas, be at war with Korea within a week.
So let's give three cheers for being a country of weeds, fleas, geeks and delicate flowers. Three thin, reedy cheers, obviously - and quiet claps, in case Sarah Palin mistakes us for a baby seal, and shoots us.
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I'm a Palin supporter, this is Hilarious!
Garrett, Phoenix, United States
For nigh on 100 years, while the Continent could be counted upon to fold in front of Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini or even tiny Milosovich, it was always the US and our brothers the Brits (though there was that Chamberlain episode) who had the backbone to stand up for freedom. Is it just US now ? ;-)
James, SF, USA
Stereotypes like not understanding irony, for instance?
Sam, Flint, Cymru
Is there a cliche that Ms. Moran didn't step in on her way to perpetuating stereotypes on both sides of the Atlantic? Millions of us in the states feel total dismay at Sarah Palin, believe that Darwin got it right and suspect that the bigger the gun, the smaller the neocortex. 3 cheers for reality.
Lucy Peterson, USA,
What happened to our British cousins? Didn't you defeat Napoleon, Hitler and brought law to the world? We Americans picked up where you left off only sixty years ago. What happened to you? Your civilization is dying and fierce peoples are waiting to rule the island of Wellington and Churchill.
You can write an amusing article. I will give you that.
Steve V, Norfolk, USA
I find it offensive that based on a ratings driven media, Americans are seen as pro-Palin. Not all of us are fond of her, let alone 'hot.' It is a deep rooted fear in many Americans that our country will be led once again by a leader who makes us all look like gun toting, fanatical hicks.
TJ Svolos, Hillsborough, USA
"Tonight, we dine in hell."? "Tonight, we dine in the dining room."! It's decided, I won't return to German soil until I can manage to smuggle at least one pale, wimpering Downing-Street-Sissy, wrapped in a tea bag, to Berlin.
Hilarious, Caitlin, now I know why I'm proud to live in England.
Kirsten, Cambridge,
Hell yeah, Mike! It's Palin, and she's a petunia.
Ros Donald, London, UK
Few countries would brag that their politicians are wimps and complain that others don't fall meekly in line. Congratulations on promoting the stereotype of Brits as limp-wristed, soft, whiney, toads with an undeserved elitist attitude. There are alternatives between Putin and pansy, you know.
Mike, Indianapolis, US
funny, I wonder what Caitlin would make of countries like mine where they elect politicians who skip the gym stage and go directly for the plastic surgeon? (that would be Italy, in case you wondered)
Fede, London,
David Vinter, have you got a squirrel skin cap? With a tail on, to show which way round it goes?
Paul Groom, Croydon, UK
So is the US doomed no matter who wins this election? Obama's a well-known gym addict. (I'd like to point out that the Bush administration as a whole is also pretty addicted.)
Bill, NYC, USA
You've had your Sarah Palin. Her name was Margaret Thatcher.
Emmy, Evergreen, USA
Yes! PLEASE send of some of your politicians right now. Help us, before it's too late!
James Polk, Jacksonville, Florida, USA
ahahahaha, LOVE Caitlin, her column always cheers up my day! Especially love how everyone takes her comments so seriously ;)
Kitty, Oxford,
Quite right we don't want muscle brained "fighters" as leaders we want civilised accountants who can manage things competently and otherwise leave us alone. The muscle brained fighters only cause trouble.
John Small, Faversham, UK
A warm and charming article
But I fear still holding as an aspiration something that ceased to be twenty years ago... when those aspiring would never have been welcome in the club anyway
It's crude and common out there now as you can see in London now let alone the provinces
Rob, Southend, Essex
A typical urban chattering class analysis, with little understanding of US politics. In the UK the urban vote counts, but in the US the rural vote counts for much more, and they vote! Of course you hate her, you think meat comes from a supermarket. She is a DOER, YOU ARE NOT, and men will vote OK.
David Vinter,, Louth, Lincs,, UK.
Just because Palin is scary to envisage in the White House doen't mean to say Uk politicains are better. Blair/Brown have done immeasureable damage to the UK lifestyle, economy and international standing. It is difficult to imagine that even Palin would be worse
c chapman, corridonia, italy
Great article!Made my day!
Allan B, Reading , UK
There's a polite, centre-left middle class bias to this. It's annoying enough that Americans perceive Brits as pernickety, lily-livered underachievers who consign ourselves to an eventless life. But other Britons being so reductivist? Most of us are not wets; get out of London and see your country.
Dion, Liverpool ,
Just to get a balanced message out there: while the papers wax about SP's dramatic rise to stardom, don't forget that just two weeks before being offered the candidacy, she said in interview that she "didn't know what exactly it is that the vice president actually does". Check it out on Youtube!
Matt Hopkirk, Newcastle,
How do I ever manage to be both a British subject and a citizen of the United States.
It has always seemed so simple that real British people and real American people are very much alike.
Should I be spending more time with snivelling British lefties,perish the very thought!!
John W Meadows, Los Altos Hills, California
So - UK politicians must be drawn from an Oxbridge pool working up from University Club, to local councillor, to research assistant, to unsuccessful parliamentary candidate to succesful candidate - with no experience of the real world at all.
How corrupt, how undemocratic and how very stagnant.
Mark, Berkhamsted.,
It is this kind of commentary that makes me forget all the challenges and troubles throughout daily life. Caitlins words are well choosen and I couldn't agree more - just can't word it as delightful as she does.
Albert, Maastricht, Netherlands
Palin believes in evolution. Her dad was a science teacher.
Charles, London,
Palin has the intellectual firepower of a water pistol. Her knowledge of world affairs is paper thin. How sad that out of 300 million people she was regarded as the best suited to be the VP candidate. This woman might be in charge of the U.S. military in a matter of months. That is a crime.
Susan, London, UK
Caitlin Moran for Prime Minister! She would probably be as rubbish as our politicians, but she'd be a hell of a lot more entertaining.
Rory, Brighton,
automatic revolvamator... pure, unalloyed, genius.
Stephen, Norwich,
Palin is a loon who, along with the loon McCain would lead us all to WW3 faster than I could say "another crumpet with tea would be excellent thank you very much."
Neil Murphy, cromer,