There's a reason why this column appears in times2 and not in the main part of the paper. It's the same reason why I didn't make it on to Wolverhampton Grammar School's Blockbusters team in 1993: a certain lack of gravitas. Or, to avoid tainting a fine section with my self-esteem issues, I'm much better at details than fundamentals.

And, in general, it's a sensible solution. I could prattle on for hours on subjects such as Aztec Camera v A-ha (the former, please), what to do when your boss uses the urinal next to you (don't make eye contact) and the curious way in which Virgin's fleet of Pendolino trains smell of France (have you noticed? There must be a problem with the plumbing). But on any of the great issues of the day, I struggle to emit anything beyond a knee-jerk grunt. The Middle East? Awful situation. David Cameron? Smug git. Italy's chronically low productivity growth? Burp.

But occasionally I do have a thought that goes beyond the whimsical, and this week is one of those times, for I have stumbled across a political philosophy that could provide nothing less than a solution to all Britain's biggest social, moral and economic problems. And given every good political philosophy needs a name - socialism, fascism, baptism, etc - I have given it a working title: double negativism.

The idea is simple. Basically, you take a social, moral or economic problem and tackle it with another social, moral or economic problem, the idea being that two negatives make a positive. And it came to me last week, when I received my fourth parking ticket in as many weeks and was struck by the realisation that I have more interaction with traffic wardens than any other public official, friend or relative. Indeed, it is impossible to walk a few hundred yards in London without tripping over one, and their omnipresence is without doubt one of the great problems of our time.

But here's another great problem of our time: there are not enough police officers on the beat. So why not use one problem to resolve the other? Replace Britain's traffic wardens with bobbies. Stick all our coppers on traffic duty. It's a perfect solution. The traffic keeps moving, councils keep generating revenue and cops are never more than a shout away, allowing them to respond to all sorts of crime, ranging from dog fouling to murder, as they go around ticketing vehicles and making us feel safer at the same time.

And here's another example of two negatives that could be combined to make a positive: the twin problems of expensive childcare and caring for the elderly. In other words, merge Britain's crèches with our old people's homes. Get the elderly to look after our young. Both groups have essentially been abandoned by the middle aged: the parents of young children and the children of elderly parents are invariably out working. Getting them to hang out together would be a perfect solution.

The elderly could do with the company, and looking after babies would provide them with a sense of purpose - and possibly an income as well (thereby also addressing the issue of the pathetic state pension). Meanwhile, babies wouldn't particularly mind listening to rambling stories about the war, the ridiculous price of aubergines nowadays and how Britain was so much better before the onset of mass immigration. In addition the cost savings would be immense, not least because babies and the elderly could share the same sloppy food and nappies.

I'm sure that you can think of other examples of double negativism in action. And this is the other brilliant thing about the idea: it has a certain Blue Peter, do-it-yourself, dot-to-dot appeal. Everyone can match up problems to come up with their own solutions. You can try it right now. A list of Britain's most important issues, according to recent editions of various newspapers, follows. See if can you work out which problems could neutralise one another ...

The pensions crisis; overpaid executives; Amy Winehouse's drug issues; Gordon Brown's lack of leadership; teenage knife crime; the Taleban; excessive foreign investment in Premier League football clubs; falling educational standards; ageism; job cuts in the City; the worthlessness of GCSEs; global warming; diminishing sources of fossil fuels; violent crime; illegal drugs; litter; depression; illiteracy; the moral collapse of our society; the disappointing new album from The Verve; Kevin Keegan's resignation from Newcastle United.

Any joy? Everyone will have come up with different answers, but we could, for example, solve the problem of teenage knife crime by sending offenders to Afghanistan, where they could stab away at the Taleban to their heart's delight. Or we could import members of the Taleban from Afghanistan and put them in charge of Britain - thereby restoring to our nation some kind of moral framework. Meanwhile, newly unemployed City workers could be given jobs clearing up litter, Kevin Keegan could replace Gordon Brown (a little Toon Army passion is exactly what we need in government) and the problem of the lame new Verve album could be neutralised by burning copies to generate electricity, thereby easing the pressure on fossil fuels.

And this is yet another brilliant thing about double negativism: the biggest problems - such as the energy crisis, global warming and war - also provide the biggest solutions. If there's any issue that seems particularly tricky, that doesn't seem to have an obvious solution, you can always send it off to war, or burn it to generate electricity. Amy Winehouse? Send her off to battle in Iraq. That'll sort her out. Too many parking tickets? Burn them. Or send them to Iraq. Or maybe both.

sathnam@thetimes.co.uk

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