At this moment, many great public figures are in disarray. Gordon Brown
suffers some manner of crippling invisibility disease. Madame Sarkozy's
clothes have fallen off. And poor, troubled Britney Spears continues to
“date” someone from Birmingham. None, however - adrift on their seas, lost
in their deserts, listening to someone dolefully pronounce their name as
“Britt-naaey” - even approach the calamity that is unfolding for Delia
Smith. So long ensconced - almost literally: my God, the woman's made a lot
of scones - as the nation's go-to girl for pies, pans and a rigorously
weighed 225g of sifted self-raising flour, Delia's career is suffering a
setback.
Her new TV series, Delia: How To Cheat At Cooking, has been
unilaterally savaged. Raymond Blanc says she has “betrayed” her own values.
The Times restaurant critic Giles Coren described one of her recipes
as “like having a pig piss in your throat”. The Daily Record
pointed out that following one of her “easy” recipes would entail spending
500 per cent more on ingredients than simply buying a ready-meal. Even
Delia's fans are horrified: her own website forum has anguished,
post-viewing comments such as: “I writhed. I cried...You've sold out.”
So let us be clear: Britain has turned on Delia. And Britain has turned on
Delia because Delia has abandoned her former world of neat ham and egg pies,
and respectable chocolate fudge cakes, to suddenly - and bewilderingly -
start cooking like Frank Gallagher in Shameless. Just to keep you up to the
mark, Delia's new recipes include shepherd's pie - made from tinned mince,
frozen mash and pre-grated cheese - and a pasta dish that consisted of Delia
stirring a jar of pesto into boiled pasta.
Technically, she is not really a cook now - more an “eminent reheater”. As you
can see, this is a situation of unparalleled unlikelihood and gravity. It's
like Sir David Attenborough doing a new landmark series centred solely on
his cats. With special attention paid to the “kitschy but cool” cat “gay
cowboy” outfits that Sir David has bought off the net.
This is all, obviously, distressing on a number of levels. Not least that no
one seems to have noticed yet that Delia looks deeply unhappy. Yes, while
others have accused Delia of having a midlife crisis, or have made cruel,
unwarranted “drinky-drinky” motions when talking about her new show, I
believe that Delia is doing most of this against her will; possibly at
gunpoint. Look at the way the show is shot! This is not Delia's doing. We
know what a Delia Smith cookery show looks like: a rather stern woman in an
eerily tidy conservatory, beating eggs in a slightly disapproving silence.
That's the way Delia rolls - almost literally: my God, the amount of sausage
rolls that woman has made.
This new series, on the other hand, attempts to be all “razzy.” In a world
where Jamie Oliver welcomes us into his shed and calls us “matey-bollocks,”
and Nigella lies on her white silk bed, rubbing vol-au-vents onto her chests
and screaming, Delia has clearly been told that she must let the viewers
“into her world” in order to bring the recipes “to life”.
The problem here, though, is that while Jamie and Nigella lead lives of
sensual, bohemian bonhomie - hosting Mexican-themed cocktail parties,
roasting whole pigs over New Zealand fire-pits - Delia's life is basically Daily
Mail: The Musical, but without any musical numbers. So far, we've seen
Delia attend a business meeting where she announced that she was “very
excited about tinned meat”, watched Delia banter with stiffness and unease
(“You never get my recipes right!” Awkward silence.) with her husband, and
followed Delia as she stands primly in church during Mass. It has not been,
let us be clear, Babette's Feast. And the cinematography serves her
further ill. When Delia brutally ejaculated cold, claggy mince from a tin,
it was shot in the manner of the autopsy scenes in Wire In The Blood.
I keep expecting Ken Stott to wander into shot, asking if the forensics on
the victim's knickers have come back. I have never watched a cookery
programme and remained so resolutely unhungry.
The most upsetting aspect of the ongoing Delia-ruination, however, is that -
much like Christ before her - she is actually being punished for the greater
crimes of mankind. Let's face it, as a nation, we are eating far worse than
Delia's tinned-mince-and-frozen-mash shepherd's pie. Infinitesimally worse.
Almost unfathomably worse. Britain exists on a diet of garlic bread, Space
Raider crisps and banana Nesquik. However, we seem to believe that if we eat
Greggs's cheese'n'onion slices but watch Jamie throw together a mackerel and
endive salad, we are, somehow, nutritionally elevated above rats. This is a
belief that echoes the childhood theories of my friend John, who believed
that, if he ate an apple after he ate a Big Mac, the fruit would, somehow,
“soak up” the fat.
Delia's tragedy is that she is the first and, indeed, only TV chef to
acknowledge how awful our diet is. All she has done is be realistic about
the pitiful hydrogenated spaff we live off, and suggest that, if we are
going to have oven chips, that we at least serve it with some (frozen) green
beans on the side. But this, of course, punctures our fantasy that we all
live off sorrel leaves and spatchcock chicken, eaten off some “funky” plates
in Jamie's dovecote. And so, unable to deal with the truth, we must exile
her.
Delia, unlike every other cook on TV, is not dealing in aspiration, or food
pornography, but rather the sad reality of British food in 2008. And that is
what we are crucifying her for.
On a hot cross bun.
From a tin.
Mind yer manners, you 'orrible man
In Japan - ever a reliable source of novel social initiatives - public
transport is to undergo a radical transformation. As of next month, an
“etiquette police” will travel on buses, trains and underground, curbing
commuters’ bad behaviour. The enforcers, named the Smile-Manner Squadron ,
will consist mainly of over-60s, who are “well acquainted with the standards
of conduct associated with 'old Japan' ".They will request loud,
leakyheadphones are turned down, prevent make-up being applied and insist
that seats are given up for the elderly and pregnant.
Clearly we need such an intiative - and not just on public transport. There’s
scarcely a street corner that wouldn’t be improved by some steely old
battleaxe making people pick up litter, pull their trousers up, and refrain
from playing all their ringtones one by one, in some manner of tinny,
hateful disco.
Furthermore, I would arm these OAPs with either a furled umbrella or rolling
pin and tell them to set about miscreants at will. This country needs a
vigiliante force of grandmas to make it a better and happier place.
Unrolling stones
An exact replica of Stonehenge is to be built in Australia. Ross Smith, the
former owner of a successful microbrewery, hopes the monument will be ready
in time for Australia’s next summer solstice on December 21. “I’m doing it
because I can,” Smith said, clearly mindful of the kind of ballsy,
faux-naive quotes we expect from Australians on these kinds of matters.
“Nowhere in the world has another complete Stonehenge been built.”
Smith eventually hopes to hire out the henge - which will cost £700,000 - for
weddings, parties and functions which, as far as anyone knows, was what the
Druids used the original one for anyway. It’s also going to be satisfying to
see all those “But how on earth did the Ancient Britons build
Stonehenge?” questions answered in around seven months. With HD footage.
She meant 'infinitely' I think.
DM, London,
Caitlin,
In case no one has risen from their seat in a while to tell you, you're a fabulous writer. Well-done! No, let me change that; medium-rare.
Ann, Hong Kong,
Infinitesimally - "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
BD, Chicago, USA
I do not agree with caitlin Moran at all. Delia has judged the mood of the nation correctly. There just seem to be one or two snooty foodie journalists who have not noticed that the book has been number one for 4 weeks! why no recognition? The book has been a riproaring success in our house and obviously in many others too.
Its not saying never cook from scratch, just here is a helping hand when you are busy. All the recipes i have used so far have been tasty and quick.
Delia you are an absolute winner and i love the tv shows too.
helen Warnock, Doncaster, South Yorkshire
Delia's books have become associated with traditionalism and real food exactly because of the trend you identify. In reality, though, I suspect Delia thinks of herself as a revolutionary: making traditional food easy for the masses to cook. This is just the furthest stage in her plan to make cooking seem unthreatening... she's been lauded so far and yet she still thinks she hasn't reached as many people as she wants to. And she's right in theory. But the book is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Catherine Coombs, Chester, UK
Meg, pembs
I have to ask, since when does owning a gas hob fall under the category of 'fabulous kitchen facilities'? are you saying that all you have in your kitchen is a microwave? in which case you are a symptom of the problem rather than a cause. I have lived in some ultra basic flats in my time but they all had basic cooking facilities...
James, london,
I Live in Japan and I believe the the over 60's manners police is only taking place in Tokyo. The funny thing about this is that the rudest people on the subway are always over 60! They push to get on the train first, hit you with their bags and jump lines where ever they can!
JPboy, nagoya, Japan
At least the camera sits still so you can see what tin Delia is opening. On other (in fact most BBC) shows there are 25 edits per second so you never have a clue what's going on, and if chef is doing something tricky with the fingers you can be sure that the camera will be nowhere near the fingers but poking up the nose for a trace of enthusiasm or character.
John Ledbury, Kings Lynn, England
Hmm...chips with everything in spain...I don't think so, apart from "tourist restaurants" or beach chiringuitos, 90% of the time you get a nice salad or well sometimes not so nice salad, but greens in the end...at home you get chips when you eat meat, that is once or twice a week and in my case also salad...so Gil, start looking for decent restaurant not only Mcdonalds....
Hugo, London,
Delia is dealing with the public as it is. Most of them can't cook or won't cook. With all the cookery programmes on T.V. we are still a nation who prefers to watch other people do the job. I think Delia is being realistic and recognises the problems most women face when they come home from work. Don't be fooled into thinking we are the only nation who can't cook, French,Spanish and Italian women who work all day face the same problems. I have eaten more chips in restaurants in Spain than I have in the U.K. They literally do serve chips with everything.
gil, bristol, england
Does buying the 'How to Cheat' book (or even watching the programme), instantly mean that one has to stop following the many, many recipes previously produced by Delia? (some still simple, some a lot more involved)
I see her new 'option' as simply as Nigel Slater put it; "It's like having persmission from the Headmistress to cheat!"........ It doesn't mean you HAVE to!!
Was there the same uproar in 1971 when Delia wrote a book called....'How to cheat at cooking'. ...?
Sarah, Retford, Notts
Umm hello did any of the fellow commentators actually READ the article above? I think Caitlin is saying Delia's getting it in the neck for cooking like all the rest of us slackers - but hey she's still advocating some pretty horrible things. E.g. I've never heard of anything as revolting as making cupcakes with frozen mashed potatoes like Delia is currently suggesting. Jamie Oliver might be an idiot but at least when making a cake he does tend to stick to sensible ingredients.
I reckon Caitlin is right - Delia has completely lost it. Her "brand" was all about doing it properly - and to chuck all that in the bin suddenly is just crazy.
elemjay, London,
Delia's new show may reflect how many people cook, but then why bother making it? Do we really need telling how to stir shop-bought pesto through pasta? What else are people doing with pesto, eating it out the jar with a spoon?
At least Jamie and Nigella are entertaining and inspiring; I totally agree with Toby from London that Delia is like a dull home economics teacher. You might as well pop next door and watch mumsie heat up a hasty dinner for the kids - not what we pay a license fee for ! ;-)
Amy Allen, London,
Re Unilaterally vs. Universally, and Infinitesimally vs. Infinitely...
Don't worry Caitlin, all the universe is one-sided and all infinity is subsumed in the infinitesimal.
So you could be right.
Or not. Whatever.
Hindoo Stan, London,
Yes, James from London, if you believe that students all have fabulous kitchen facilities that may well be true. As a student who only has a microwave, I personally would relish any "cheating" recipes which allow me to eat a slightly varied diet. Maybe it's just that, as the writer says, Delia is recognising a social group who don't have the opportunity of using proper cooking facilities.
Meg, Pembs,
Did you mean universally savaged?
Oliver Chettle, Bedford,
Well said Caz,
Her original cook book is a domestic god/goddess' bible.
Paul, Manchester,
This is all very sad. I manage to have a full time job, am in part time education, AND cook something interesting from scratch almost every night. and im 100% sure, for all those students out there who think they are saving money, that it is cheaper to do it this way. In almost any other european country there is no question of piling together ready made ingredients, they know that it is worth taking some time over these things. how many people who claim to have 'no time' spend the rest of the evening watching telly?
James, london,
I think she is a demagogue.
I think she is an irrelevance and belongs in the past.
She is no longer interesting, relevant, or worthy of our attention.
The world of British cookery and cuisine has moved on at 500mph and left this woman in the past. She has no ideas of her own, no style and is more like a third rate secondary school home economics teacher who is bad at her job and no one likes.
Toby, London, UK
If Delia has been universally savaged, then why is her cookbook top of the bestseller lists? It's wonderful and cuts through all the ridiculous food snobbery that abounds today.
Caz, Sutton, UK
If the show had been "unilaterally savaged", that would have been by just one person. I think she meant "universally".
A Cawson, London, UK
Oh dear, Carolyn (of Bath), how can you be so cynical about something of such importance. Levity and frivolity are all very well in their place and at the proper time, but this is neither.
Although now just along the road from you, I come from Norfolk. I was thus horrified on Saturday when Norwich City lost to Bristol City despite having been on top for most of the match. We really do need to purchase at least one more class striker, so obviously I must take up cudgels to support 'our Deels' at any opportunity.
So . . .
"Roll up! Roll up!
Keep buying those lovely cook-books, folks!
C'MON, LETS BE 'AVIN' YER!
David, Bristol, UK
I was thinking today, how it seems perfectly natural for us to bring home almost-cooked food that simply needs heating up. And on the other hand we are equally ready to bring home furniture that's in a thousand pieces which we have to build ourselves with no skills and a blunt kitchen knife.
Seriously though, Delia's programme is a reflection of how families actually eat these days. How many people cook from scratch these days? I've seen mash potato ("Just Heat 'n' Serve") on the shelves. And I've been known to use Smash instead of boiling a few spuds. That's the way it is.
Max, London,
We couldn't have etiquette police - they'd all be kicked to death by gangs of marauding 14 year olds
Peter, London, London
Thank you, Caitlin. You have outdone even yourself in hilarity; and you're spot on, as usual.
I have great admiration for Delia, and Keith Floyd. I love to watch the nouveaux cooking programmes in much the same way as the little beggar girl from The Little Princess drools at the buns in the bakers' shop: inattainable, inimaginable and irresistible. But at some point, usually around six o'clock, one has to come back down to earth, reality and frozen vegetables.
Sarah Phillips, Angers, France
I think the new Delia show is really good. I am a student and I don't have the time, the money or the inclination to spend hours stuffing something expensive with something else ridiculously expensive! This way, I can cook within my budget and still go above living off pasta and baked beans on toast.
Madeleine, Manchester,
Check this out - not a joke!
http://www.rugbytoday.co.uk/news/Stonehenge-set-for-Rugby-countryside.3880786.jp
Bonnie, Tugby, Northamptonshire
By "Infinitesimally" the author probably means "infinitely"...
Adrian, Bucharest , Romania
So we all eat hydrogenated spaff? I suspect the survey was not comprehensive and I, for one, do not wish to be includedin the group of comsumers of a similarly idle diet as you seem to apparently enjoy.
Dave Waring, Wigan,
Caitlin, I think you mean "infinitely worse" not "infinitessimally"
stuart round, london,
"Delia's tragedy is that she is the first and, indeed, only TV chef to acknowledge how awful our diet is."
Sorry but I think Jamie Oliver did that with his School Dinners.
Amanda Taylor, Leicester, UK
And 'infinitesimally worse' should be 'infinitely worse,' surely.
Gord, London,
I have not heard of this stonehenge replica project in any other news outlet. But I am mindful of the fact that I am reading this on April 1st.
James , Canberra, Australia.
I apologise. Apparently the stonehenge thing is serious and will be built at Margaret River in WA - a beatiful place but one not famed for its connections with druidry.
James , Canberra, Australia.
Yes, Pedant, I was about to post about the same thing. Also, "unilaterally savaged" should surely be "universally savaged".
David McGregor, Fitzroy, VIC, Australia
Dreadful realisation has struck - these comments are serious and without irony.
Carolyn, Bath,
I can't bear the thought of Delia being deeply unhappy.
Jules, New Hampshire, US
I see why Delia's new series may be branded as a step in the wrong direction by most of the British public. I suppose this is down to the other celebrity chef's as this article outlines.
I think it's important to remember however that the reason a lot of people don't cook is because they simply don't have to anymore. People, who are not interested in food know that they can purchase ready meals, convenience foods, takeaways smoothies in cartons etc, whereas in the past people would have to cook from scratch weather they liked it or not, to survive.
Jamie and nigella, put forward a way of life that, for some is desirable, but out of reach. This is made harder to follow if people are less interested in food but just have the intention of eating better.
I'm a chef, and I would never consider using jared pesto or tined soup. I think that following Delia's new series WOULD be a step back for people who do. However, if I wasn't as passionate, it could do me some good and be inspiring.
Josh Gartside, Poulton-le-Fylde, Lancashire
Like all the other posters thus far, I agree and applaud, Caitlan. In the real world, the blessed Delia still rules!
The rest of the nation, and more especially the media gurus you quote, need to wake up and realise that 'gawping at celebrities' is not synonymous with 'healthy eating'. Let alone with 'practical everyday eating for small households'. As for "500% more than a ready-meal", whoever wrote that clearly hasn't noticed how THEY have shot up in price in the last few months. Nor compared their frightening lists of ingredients with the comparatively simpler, and healthier, alternatives Delia is predominantly using, either. NOR had the expensive small-household problem of buying small quantities for individual meals.
Just one thing - Chantel, of Wales, rightly sings the praises of welsh lamb, but I was under the impression that it's still hard to find at a sane price, because the mountains are still contaminated with radioactivity. Can anyone enlighten me on this?
David, Bristol, UK
I am enjoying watching this series. I probably won't buy the book because I do cook mostly from scratch and use economical ingredients because of my tight budget. However, it is giving me some useful new ideas for those times when I'm preparing a dinner party in my tiny kitchen.
Jayne, Staffordshire,
"Infinitesimally worse"? Do you mean "infinitely worse"?
Pedant, London,
These are the first cooking programs I have ever willingly watched, once I realised that Delia was cooking my way.
She says it is for people who are short of time but it is also for those short of breath - the elderly like me. And for those cooking for one or two.
I had previously felt a bit guilty about using foods out of a can or the freezer. Now I feel justified in using, for example, frozen cauliflower and a packet of sauce to make Cauliflower Cheese, or de-frosting and heating frozen mash in the microwave.
I bought Delia's book for my wife but have now taken it over.
John Claxton, Portishead,
The new Delia series is excellent and she continues to be an inspiration. I immediately made my own version of frozen mashed potato and used on in my superb fish pie. The grandchildren loved it! As a working mother teaching Home Economics ( and now retired but still busy) I have been "cheating" on food preparation for years. You dont have to buy ready chopped onions but Delia has the ideas and all good cooks know how to adapt recipes. I shall be stocking up my store cupboard to avoid the supermarket crowds at holiday time and to be ready to entertain the family at short notice. Just pity my poor husband being sent to four supermarkets in search of the best products instead of just one! I shall watch the rest of the series as it is so refreshing not to hear swearing or to be shown unhygienic food preparation which is frequently present on the shows with so called younger "celebrity chefs". Good for you Delia. I look forward to the next series!
Joan Linnitt, Lacock, Chippenham, Wiltshire
A very good article which points out the truth of celebrity TV over reality supermarket food. Ok the production of her latest series is poor, and perhaps this is why she is being treated the way she is, but nevertheless she always tries to bring some sense of ingredient cooking in a vast emptiness of packaged food british life.
Well done Caitlin
Robert, Buckingham, Buckinghamshire
Hear hear. I love the new series. Delia is telling it as it is and the rest should wake up and smell the frozen department.
Kim Petchey, Maidstone, Kent
Hmm, well Delia shot herself in the foot when she advised people to buy New Zealand 'spring' lambs - has she not noticed New Zealand is in the Southern Hemisphere and it is NOT spring there? Besides, Welsh lamb is undoubtably the best (proper Welsh lamb - not the stuff that gets transported into Wales for slaughter to be called Welsh Lamb).
Chantel, Wales,
I totally agree, leave the poor woman alone! We have all made Oliver and Lawson millionaires by buying their books, and then never having any time to cook from them...All my friends are besotted with all the TV chefs and have havens to them in their kitchen libraries, but they never have time to make sandwiches let alone roast a duck. It's simple, basically, we would all love to live the lives of Hollywood soaps but in reality our lives are closer the those of Eastenders, Delia is just being realistic, that is all. I take my hat off to her for having the guts to do it.
Ambrosia Sakkadas, Nicosia, Cyprus