Childhood obesity continues to be one of the most consuming — literally —
stories of our age. Among the many problems predicted as Great Britain turns
into A Bit Too Great Britain, there now comes the threat of lawsuits.
Anticipating government targets on scaling down fat kids, the Association of
School and College Leaders (ASCL) has issued a warning that litigious
parents may soon be in a position to sue schools, primarily for failing to
prevent children from eating Dairylea Lunchables.
“We think it is going to be very dangerous and difficult if schools are going
to be held to account for these things,” the ASCL declared. It then went on
to blame the problem on bigger boys, literally — “kids with guts like Space
Hoppers” — before hiding behind a ginormous jug of pink custard in the
canteen.
Let’s face it, though — the Government isn’t going to make schools responsible
for reducing childhood obesity. It could never happen. A school full of
teachers is, essentially, a building full of swots, and if there’s one thing
that the entire 1970s output of the Children’s Film Foundation has taught
us, it’s that The Man will never get one over the swots. The swots aren’t
going to end up in the brig for the fat kids. In all likelihood, the ASCL
will be able to wire its primitive Texas calculators into the fire alarm at
Westminster and force a mass fire drill just before the Bill is passed.
So we might as well admit it now — we’re not going to do anything about
childhood obesity. Not a thing. We’re already too fat and lazy. Our societal
response has been to shrug, settle back down to watching Deal or No Deal,
and then eat a Ginster’s Meal Bar without even really noticing.
Given this bulky torpor, then, perhaps we should start trying to see the
positive side of our kids swelling up, until they look like a sausage
collage. We need to look on the bright side of endemic, morbid obesity — the lighter
side of endemic morbid obesity, if you will.
First, fat people are always jolly. It surely can’t be a bad thing that we’re
breeding a nation of people who will turn up at picnics carrying a crate of
ginger beer, wearing a waistcoat with a garish pattern and laughing
uproariously. People who wipe tears from their eyes after “pranks”. People
who go into paroxysms of excitement thinking about something as simple as a
bun. Similarly, fat people cannot follow fashion — and so tend not to be
vain. This is surely a boon in an age that we believe to be increasingly
materialistic, shallow and style-obsessed.
More good news: those teenage pregnancy rates are going to plummet. Once you
get over 20 stone, physical conjoinment is near impossible, and so for the
21st-century teenager, a really heavy petting session will consist of
texting each other apt emotions, and sighing. Similarly, crime rates should
drop through the floor. A great deal of the skill in burglary involves
slipping through small basement windows, shimmying over fences or tiptoeing
around people’s drawing rooms. With the British population looking like
legged whales in jogging bottoms, the instances of larceny will plunge.
Indeed, muggings will disappear more or less overnight — it’s hard to mug a
granny when she could easily overtake you, and then whomp you upside your
fat head.
Indeed, the ramifications will touch on pretty much every area of our lives —
just as our left thighs will, eventually touch on just about every area of
our right thighs. Even the little changes will be joyous. If all children
are the size of spaceships by 2012, clothes manufacturers will have to scale
up their ranges accordingly. In turn, this means that a whole range of
essentially adult-sized Spiderman merchandise will come on to the market —
and all VAT-free.
And as for the economy . . . well, the Fire Service will spend billions using
specialist cutting equipment to spring hefty-assed eight-year-olds from
chairs, ghost trains and, in all probability, their own trousers. That is
unavoidable, I admit. But where Nature takes, she also gives. That self-same
grossly obese child will probably become a grossly obese adult, who will die
at 53 from a combination of diabetes, heart disease and getting stuck in a
turnstile. Ipso facto the pensions crisis disappears overnight.
Personally, I can see endemic, morbid obesity being the saving grace of this
country. I think we could really, finally, come into our own as a nation
that looks like a bunch of Teletubbies in leisure wear, all riding around on
scooters because we’re too fat to walk. Where once we feared that the future
would be a feral dystopia filled with ratchildren, a starving pensioner
underclass, murder on every street corner and stress levels through the
roof, we now face a different prospect entirely: a Britain of jolly,
laughing Friar Tucks, teenagers too corpulent to fight, shag or rob, and
just five people who have survived to pensionable age.
This will be a Golden Grahams era! Not-salad days! We’ve never had it so pud!
Weighty research is quite staggering
Medical research has uncovered a perilous fact about weightlifting.
Apparently, anyone trying to lift a weight over 145lb (66kg) puts
intolerable strain on the eye, and, temporarily, partially dislocates it. Of
course, to anyone raised on cartoons, the matter of your eyes popping out on
lifting a heavy weight has long been common knowledge. I wonder what other
discoveries the medical world will make. Presumably, that being subject to
extreme heat makes your head turn red and emit a whistling sound, or that
head injuries are accompanied by a halo of tiny, tweeting birds. Later
still, I’m sure they’ll discover that when a piano falls on you you crumple
down to 14in high and walk around making concertina-y sounds.
Reading chemistry
I’m sure it was never intended as such, but a magazine survey on drugs — which
compared the street prices of drugs around the country — has become a useful
tool for those still agonising over which university to apply to next year.
Stoners will have noted that cannabis is £35 an ounce in Gloucester, but a
hefty £110 in Portsmouth. Similarly, any fans of ketamine, the horse
tranquilliser, who have been torn between the universities of York and
Exeter, will surely have had their minds made up on seeing the £40
differential per gram between the two cities. And I’m sure mathematics and
economics students will have been able to make a few quick, profitable
calculations about the price differential of Ecstasy in Bristol and Cardiff,
and how little time it would take to drive between the two at weekends. It’s
all so educational!
Why on earth should teachers ever be regarded as being responsible for childhood obesity? What has the teaching of Maths, English, Geography etc got to do with diet? Caitlin Moran, surely this is a parental issue? Did you have a problem with your teachers? Is that why you obviously graduated and have a career? Grow up!
Elizabeth, Perth,
I am a sixth form student, and we don't have (m)any obese people, or even fat people. This is partly due to natural growth - 16 17 and 18 year olds thin out from when they were 13, 14 and 15. I was a pretty weighty kid when I was in my first year of the grammar school and I thinned out, it is part of growing up.
Aside from that, its down to what the kids eat. In our college we have the choice of either healthy stuff, like salad boxes and fruit boxes, and fruit juice, or we could as easily have a box of chips and a canned drink. It ain't about being a nanny and telling kids how they should eat, its making sure the healthy choice is given the same amount of exposure as the pizza chips and greasy burgers are. It's largely down to the child and their choices, because at the end of the day, it is them who have the power to say NO. They know when they're full, and they don't have to eat everything that is put in front of them. Stop blaming and start improving.
Matt, Penistone, South Yorkshire
my son was hugely overweight at 13 too he is now 15 and he has lost lots of weight a 34 waist was too small now a 30 is too big and has always ate healthy ,he is taller than me and im 5.8....my daughter 12 and she is going through the same pattern....she gets bullied as my son did...they were not fat through greed,or medical it was part of growing up
ann, walsall, west midlands
i have a morbidly obese father, and im ashamed to say, hes not jolly! he is one of a growing part of society, the ones who will claim any benifit possible and refuse to work, and now he complains because he has type 2 diabetes and can't get dieting tablets free on the NHS. im glad someone has finally said what everyone has been thinking in a FANTASTIC piece of persuasive writing, in which the good side of fatness is seen sarcastically. and as for fat children whose parents claim they'v done all they can...dont give them pocket money and dont buy crisps, sweets pizzas and chips!!!!! it really isnt that hard to do!!! feed them fruit, pasta and fresh (non-fried) food, is cheaper than the things fat children are eating! stop being so pathetic about it!!!!
zoe, preston, lancashire
i am really ashamed when i read this piece,as i am very overweight,at 38,i am 26 stone,and have always been careful not to let my children get overweight and now they all are.Myself and my children are fat because my kids are simply following my bad habits of eatin too much and being lazy....it's my fault...
a harris, BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND
Parents are now too busy or lazy to feed their children correctly, just after an easy life, theres some money, go and sort yourself out, If parents were to administer a slow acting poison that would kill their beloved offspring before they reach 50 they would get locked up. It is child abuse, plain and simple, an obese child is the product of poor parenting (health problems excepted) why do social services not get involved? they stick their nose into every other form of abuse, what makes this different? If those parents only realised what they were doing to their children maybe they would think twice, or maybe they would just carry on feeding them chips over the school wall.
S Wyton, Caernarfon, Gwynedd
i have an over weight daughter and i feel we have no support my daughter dont eat rubbish she eats to much fruit as this is full of natural sugar it is very hard as a parent to try and change your childs way of eating i would do anything to help her i have sat in the doctors for hours talking to see what we could do , one thing the doctor said to me when children get taken out by there friends parents they take them to pizza hut or burger king . this is the world we live into and i feel we should have child gyms i would take my daughter to the gym with me if she was old enough and we should have course to help are children deal with the way we leave today.
j ward, northumberland, england
I'm reminded of the comments of Ann Widdecombe when asked to put her name to book of diets. She said there was no point as the book would consist of only one page and 4 words, "Eat less, exercise more".
Bob, Boston, Lincs
my son was a big lad at 9 years old the same size as the boy in your advert. he ate rubbish and when he got to 13 asked me if i could help him lose wait.after years of trying to get him to eat healthy i said you can only help your self son. within 18 months he lost his puppy weight grew to 6 ft 1 now goes training eats healthy and is a handsome 16 year old slim and meditraineen good looks. so not all children turn out to remain large they do grow and todays kids are all tall
oz, welling, kent
I feel sorry for fat kids. I see them on the bus every morning on the way to school stuffing their faces with cake, crisps and fizzy drinks. Is this instead of or on top of breakfast I wonder. Most of them are overweight and hyperactive - no wonder with all that junk inside them and then the teachers have to contend with their behaviour while it works its way out of their systems! magazines are full of this and that 'diet' but its measures taken after the horse has bolted as once the fat piles on its so hard to get it off. Why give kids money and the opportunity to buy this rubbish - it's cruel to them now and it'll be cruel for their futures when they'll get diabetes and all the other diseases related to high fat, high sugar foods. The parents of these kids need to start parenting and leading by example by cooking a decent meal once in awhile. They ought to be ashamed of themselves for aiding and abbetting a nation of future obese adults. Maybe the NHS will have to start giving ops for obese 11 yr olds so that we can have a generation who'll make it to their 50's!
Anne Thompson, Manchester,
Can't reviewers spell??? Good Article though.
Jill, Swansea, Wales
every one turns to look at those who are over weight but what about the people who are in the oposit possition. its all the same yet in schools colleges and other social areas the focus in healthy foods. but what about us, people have a choice about what they put in their mouth. why should people who are able to eat other foods have to see them with drawn from social areas, eg schools and colleges. all the focus is on the people who are looking to blame someone. we all chose how we live and eat and shouldnt need to be told whats healthy or not. stopping and telling poople they cant eat things just makes people want the foods more.
DAN, LEEDS,
What are you all on about, all food is good, it's a queatrion of making sure that we, including our kids don't overdo things. Come on eat well ecercise well an enjoy life forget the people who preach doom. As the big man says all things in moderation. GO FOR IT!!!!
tom, Dunfermline, Scotland
Very funny article. When are obese people going to get a grip and realise it's stuffing food in their faces that makes you fat! I know some people have medical conditions that dont help but the majority are fat because off greed.
Jim Mandley, Cambridge,
Lets go back to the late 30s, 1940 and the 50s.Stodgy food in schools, dried bread and jam for tea. Half a boiled egg for breakfast ( if you are lucky ). Better still, lets have another war and eliminate half the population of the world. Well, we were all a lot thinner then.
Colin, Cwmbran, Wales
I think some people have missed the point, it was an article pointing out the unfortunate fact that a lot (not all) of our children are shortening their lives by their bad diets and if it had not been so funny it may not have grabbed peoples attention. I am sure the journalist was not poking fun at the minority who have problems with their weight through no fault of their own, only the ones doing their best to shorten their lives. I have recently retired from work and it is now my habit to go to the supermarket for milk etc every morning and the shop is almost next to the local high school and I have been astonished at the sight of queues of youngsters at the tills stocking up on sweets, cakes and soft drinks to keep them going during their day at school and they almost all have a fiver or even a tenner on them to spend (every day!), So, parents, if you want your kids to outlive you, as it should be, just be aware of what they eat, it's not so hard.
Robert Phillipart, Ellesmere Port., England. UK.
This is a huge problem (no pun intended!), I have four children who all love their food. I think it's the parents responsibility to ensure that their children eat a healthy nutritious diet which still includes the occasional treat. I make my own cakes, biscuits and home cook healthy meals from scratch. Fruit is a favourite snack, and a plate full of colourful vegetables looks far more exciting than a pot noodle. If a child isn't being fed a balanced diet, then how are they ever going to be able to feed themselves properly once they reach adulthood? If a child doesn't like something because it "looks disgusting" let them help you make it, it's surprising how being involved changes their mind! There are so many factors which contribute to the obesity problem, it's impossible to pinpoint any that are solely to blame. Yes, the article made me laugh, I am ashamed to say. Sometimes it's necessary to see the comedy in a serious issue.
Anna Smith, Burnham,
It seems that although Caitlin Moran has been published since the age of 16 it also seems to me that she it still WRITING as a person aged 16. Quite frankly I find this piece of 'journalism' offensive, filled with little fact and a lot of fanciful fiction. Are all fat people jolly ? How could we ever be depressed about our size, we just look funny and so should accept it. Whilst not obese, I am overweight and I know it. I avoid chocolate, sweets, fatty foods and put a fair amount of exercise in but my weight remains around the same mark. My partner can eat whatever she wishes; that's down to her metabolism, she can indulge in all the foods I do not and her weight does not go up. I seems you need very little knowledge to write a column these days and very little thought for others feelings.
Sean Secretan, Worthing, West Sussex
I think Caitlin should go back to writing about Music. This is article is simply not funny nor is it clever.
Obesity is a serious illness and not just the case of a few extra chocolate bars.
We are killing our kids who seem to be either obese or anorexic....
I cant help but feel the one thing we dont need is an insensitive ego-driven article such as this.
Robyne, Brighton, UK
It's not just the volume of food we consume, it's the lack of exercise! My grandchildren are taken almost everywhere by car - as are many children. My father had a car but we were told to walk or get the bus (which meant walking to and from the bus stop). We had some form of physical exercise every day at school - gym, rounders, athletics, swimming, tennis, netball, hockey, badmington or, just one day a week 45 minutes of "country dancing" lessons.
Once you put the weight on it is so much harder to diet it off again - it's a vicious circle - and food manufacturers have to accept responsibility for all the "fillers" they add to their products that cost practically nothing but are full of calories!
Dot Holden, Dover, England
Personally When people write articles like this they dont really think of the people that are going to feel bad, they just think about how much publicity they will get. this sort of article is why People starve themselves to be thin and end up worse then they were before.
most fat and obese People are trying to help themselves, i myself am obese and i have been trying to lose weight since i was 10 iam now 18 and all of my family are trying to lose weight but thin people think that its easy when most of my family are obese and cannot exercise.
just as bernadette said she eats one meal a day and cannot lose the weight. i also know a woman who is size 28-30 and she walks everywhere and has not been able to lose anything
so lay off us we are just the way we are, most of us are trying to help ourselves. we dont need stupid thin people making us feel bad as that will acomplish anything unless your aim is to make every obese person depressed and thats not going to help matters!!!
Kelly Bieda, Southampton, Hampshire
I loved the article - made me roar - and no, I'm not fat! It is true that some people cannot help their obesity - I have a friend who is twenty stone and in constant pain from even simple movements. Her obesity is down to her need for steroids her own endocrine system cannot make due to the loss of her pituitary gland. However, the majority of fat people get that way by overeating. It may be fashionable to blame obesity on some unavoidable medical condition, but that is just a convenient excuse many use to avoid the effort of taking better care of their bodies. Those who do have a genuine medical cause for their fat deserve all the help and support possible. They are in a minority among the fat population - and were the fat to get a grip and do something about their obesity, resources presently misdirected to them could then be directed to the genuinely deserving. Obesity is a serious problem for society as well as for the obese - but it would be a damn sight less serious were the lifestyle fools to change their ways.
Ray Harding, Glastonbury, Somerset
I believe she is being very detramental to people who have health problems.
Personally I was a size 6 when I fought for this country in the forces. I also ran for my school so was not an obease child. When I left the forces I injured my back in a fall after work. Unfortunately I damaged my hip and spine in that fall. Since then my weight has gone up due to not being able to exercise as much as I used to. Also due to the amount of Steroids I have had to take for my Asthma which I have had since my early 20's whilst still serving in the forces. So NOT brought on by being obease. Have also had steroid injections in my spine.
Now after going 11.5 years in severe pain and discomfort I am looking at major surgery on my spine to have it fused. This is an operation that is not taken lightly as the complications you can have from this surgery is not pleasant. I could die on the table, end up paralised from the waist down or maybe I will even be cured of my spinal problems. In which case I will be able to exercise properly again and go back to eating 3 meals a day. I am currently only eating one meal a day and my partner eats more than I do and he is as slim as anything.
Bernadette Robinson, Doncaster, United Kingdom
i think kids can slow down on the fat.
i dont think its not good for them.
if kids slow down on they fat
they will have a better life.
dekina, wisconsin, milwaukee
If the goverment wants to stop the adults of the future getting fat like many of our fat cousins in the usa. Do something about it now, not wait till its to late. Put more tax on take- away foods. Then with that money reduce the prices of the which is good for you. After all Its easer to put the microwave on, and cheaper.Teach the kids how to cook real food. And on a buget. How alse are they going to learn. Many of the parents dont care less what the kids eat. has long its quick and the kids can go back out on the street asap.This will stop heart attacks and weight related problems. Then it will also save the pennys with the NHS.
Lets make the poeple who the kids look up to set good examples.Not what most of them are doing right now?
The problem starts with the parents then it just gets pased down. We think its bad now wait and see what will happen when these kids. Are adults??
wayne, drybrook, gloucester