The Specials

X Factor whingers have themselves to blame

Some are so ravenous for a break they would scale an Everest of dung and sell their granny’s kidneys to get to No 1

Skeletal celebs like Cheryl Cole bore me

New role models such as Lily Allen think self-starvation is a passe hang-up

The most outrageous MP’s claim so far?

Gerald Kaufman reckons he needs a £220 pair of grapefruit bowls because he’s got OCD. Which he diagosed... himself

Heard the one about the male Pill? Seriously, it’s the dog’s neuticles

If the male Pill does take off, stealing women’s control, the population could plummet

Parky has finally turned into a whining celeb

Celebrities control their media coverage obsessively. Now Sir Michael Parkinson is even threatening to sue his cousin

In praise of the childless

Logically, the 'child free' should be valuable to employers. But are they? Bizarrely, no

Getting wed on a low-cost flight is plane silly

Couples can French kiss in the aisle while Wind Beneath My Wings is piped through the aircraft

Kate Winslet’s titanic claims to be working class

Posh actors try too hard to be ‘geezers’ and apologise if they didn’t grow up eating a diet of lard

Chicken-hearted, faceless cowards. Yes, you!

Few beasts are more merciless than the great British public when snarling behind their anonymity

Cheers, but alcohol won’t make you fat

Alcohol calories are not the same as food calories. If they were my backside would be the size of Kent

Watching porn may be smutty - but blaming wives is obscene

Womenfolk, it's your fault when he ogles Debbie Does Dallas

Grow up, Gazza, Jade's death shows how dull celebrity sob stories are

I'm more interested in the internal life of this bluebottle on my windowsill than I am in the sob story that is Paul Gascoigne

It's not a case of black and white

Umpteen studies have suggested that, underneath, we're all more prejudiced than we think

Why I'll spend, spend, spend if I win the lottery

What's the point of buying the ticket if you're going to keep the day job and drive the same old Ford Fiesta

Bad behaviour in the supermarket doesn't leave me rolling in the aisles

I'd like to see pig-ignorant customers punished - preferably with an electric prod

Lay off the BBC's disabled presenter

Chatroom comments from parents about Cerrie Burnell, the new CBeebies presenter, are just mindless wittering. Get a life

Why resent Jade Goody's brutal reality show?

In her recent interviews she has displayed a wisdom never apparent in all those frivolous TV shows