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Tea? Pah. Don't even talk to me about tea. I'm a coffee man, always have been. We coffee drinkers sneer at the teabag-danglers among us. Tea is for people who drive VW Beetles and think James Blunt is good. Tea is for Meg Ryan in a fluffy pullover. Coffee, on the other hand, is for people who think two Marlboros are a nutritious breakfast. Coffee is for Salma Hayek in black underwear, on a Paris balcony.
And yet for the coffee drinkers of Los Angeles, it has been a rough few years. Order a cappuccino in post-Starbucks LA and you're likely to be presented with a bowl of low-fat foam atop a thimbleful of liquid that tastes more like pipe residue than espresso. It was therefore with almost unbearable excitement that I learnt of a new caffeine craze over in Silver Lake - a district best described as LA's anti-Beverly Hills, where everyone has an asymmetrical haircut and a blog - focused on a new “coffee boutique” known as LA Mill.
There was talk of tableside baristas, $12 coffees and a $12,000 single-cup “siphon brewing” device known as the Clover, which allows superbaristas to calibrate temperature, water dose and extraction time, and analyse the data by uploading it via ethernet connection to a bean-management database. Coffee is the new wine, claimed my sources, and Starbucks is finished: doomed to spend the rest of its days fighting Dunkin' Donuts and McDonald's.
The next morning I was sitting under a brass chandelier amid the faux alligator skin décor of LA Mill, staring at a coffee menu the size of a Harry Potter novel. I briefly considered ordering the “coffee and cigarette” (espresso poured over tobacco-infused whipped cream), but opted instead for a brew made in a “Chemex”, whatever the hell that was.
Soon enough, an attractive and chatty young woman had turned up at my table with what appeared to be a chemistry set. Unfortunately, there was no sign of the Clover siphon-brewer - that was a different option - although preparation was suitably elaborate and time-consuming. First the barista poured several scoops of Brazilian grind into a dampened filter made from the woven eyelashes of a thousand Peruvian virgins (or something like that), waited for a crust to form, then broke the crust with hot water from long-spouted pot, thus allowing the brew to drip down into a circular glass bowl below.
The result was so good I wanted to inject it into my eyeballs. Which is precisely what I felt as though I had done after downing the entire beaker. I was still buzzing like a bean grinder when I got home and read online that the maker of Clover machine had been bought out last week. The buyer? Starbucks. Bloody Starbucks. In the coffee world, there's panic. Will the maker of the Chemex be next? And what about LA Mill? Will that be acquired by Starbucks, too?
It's all a bit depressing, to be honest. As depressing as a 6am wake-up call and a mug of PG Tips.

Chris Ayres is the Los Angeles Correspondent for The Times and the author of War Reporting for Cowards, a critically-acclaimed account of the Iraq War. He joined The Times in 1997 and was nominated as Foreign Correspondent of the Year in 2004. He lives in the Hollywood Hills
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I love my Chemex, even going so far as to design a little dress for it to keep the coffee as hot as possible.
Karolyn, Saint Paul, USA
Sadly Starbucks and their ilk seem to be taking over. There are fewer and fewer proper coffee houses around. I say find them and suport them, cause there really is nothing quite as good as Salma Hayek in black underware...
Graeme, Toronto, Canada
I was mulling over whether to quit coffee when I read your opening paragraph. Marvellous imagery. Being of Italian extraction, living in the UK, you have thankfully set me straight again.
Salv, London,
A different sort of article. Yes ! the Clover is making headlines but it is important to note that it is a brewing machine and does not make espresso type drinks like caffe lattes, espresso, cappuccino, etc. It can be promoted for bringing different types of taste in coffee like chocolate, tobacco, earthy, etc. Also, ironically, as Mr Ayres mentioned about Silver Hill (never been there as I live in Vienna, Austria) - I do have a coffee blog and I have done "cafe crawling" in Cape Town (Mr Minnaar might be interested) and London (Reiss might be interested). If you have time, check www.fromcoffeewithlove.com and the blog too.
Lameen Abdul-Malik, Vienna, Austria
Lameen Abdul-Malik, Vienna, Austria
I have to give you credit for this line "Coffee is for Salma Hayek in black underwear, on a Paris balcony". I could not have said it better even if I tried. Always enjoy your writing. Here are my two cents: I LOVE coffee and agree that a good cup should be something worth your while. I do have to let those of you in the first world that in Sount Africa there is no Starbucks at all. We have a few chains but the best part is that we have independent coffee shops that serve real coffee of the Salma Hayek calibre. So I feel sorry for you with your Starbucks ... I will stick to my local hangout and bounce home afterward.
Pieter Minnaar, Cape Town, South Africa
Yesterday Starbucks in Hong Kong hoped to get more people addicted to their offerings, by providing a free coffee and cinammon danish to everyone.
The cinammon danish was a tasteless, paper-thin slice about the size of a cigarette paper. The regular coffee they gave was so vile that it was undrinkable: a milky, tea-like, lukewarm liquid in a paper and plastic goblet.
Rather than drumming up more customers, this promotion must have put many (including me) off from ever again going there.
It seems that Starbucks is the place of choice for people who don't like the taste of coffee!
Paul Surtees, Hong Kong,
coffee is the new wine & Londinium Espresso are leading the charge educating the masses in London.
Reiss Gunson, London, England
Chemex is an inexpensive, but quality coffee brewing system. A Chemex maker consists of a glass pot, shaped like an hourglass, that features a wooden wraparound handle that ties 'round the middle. It uses filters that are a bit thicker than the sort used for standard coffee makers, and allows for a better, slightly longer maceration period. The Chemex is under $40. I'd recomend the handblown version. Google the name and you'll find a site. It was the invention of a chemist looking to find a better option for making a quality cup of coffee and is the only way I will ever make coffee again.
BTW, it's a much better value than the Brown Betty teapot I purchased in England that was made so poorly that the glazing never set properly and crackled while I washed it upon arriving home.
Marie, Braintree, MA, US
Who has time for coffee?
No wonder the American economy is down the pan.
Thomas Maxwell, Reigate,
You did not say what the bill came to for the wondrous concoction, next time I go down to L.A. can I handle it or should I stick with my Starbucks drip at $1.55 (75 pence)
John W Meadows, Los Altos Hills, California
A Starbucks Caffe latte= "Caffeinated "Froth.
Owain Lewes, Namhae, South Korea