From the newspaper that brought you a “Colour-Your-Own Tutankhamun Face Mask” comes this fabulous cut-out-and-keep Gordon Brown Forthcoming Fiasco Checklist ™.

Lovingly prepared by veterans of the Major Government (me), it provides Times readers with the benefit of knowledge gained from watching the wheels fall off the car while sitting in the passenger seat. And it’s free with today’s Times!

After the Government lost 25 million bank details down the back of the Chancellor’s sofa, pictures of an ashen-faced Alistair Darling and a grim Prime Minister have been appearing accompanied by this question from the media: “Could it get any worse?” The answer – of course it can get worse, you idiot.

Once press and national sentiment have turned, it becomes harder and harder to catch a break. And fairness has little to do with it. Three years to the election is a long time, claim Mr Brown’s friends. They are right. Three years is a long, long time.

And with that, here’s your Forthcoming Fiasco Checklist™. As each fiasco comes to pass, just tick the box. If they manage to dodge one bullet, just move on to the next item and keep ticking.

— Gordon Brown relaunches his Government with a speech billed as a “fightback”. It runs well for a couple of hours and Downing Street’s hopes rise. Before the evening news can cover it, a funding scandal emerges and the general secretary of the Labour Party has to resign. The scandal leads the news. The fightback is item seven.

— The Government puts its proposals for longer detention without charge before Parliament. A junior minister resigns. The whips secure a majority of eight by making multiple compromises that render the law pointless. The whole mess is then defeated in the Lords. It is reported that John Reid was spotted on the Commons terrace laughing. He denies it.

— Alan Milburn publishes a pamphlet urging more progress on public service reform. He says that he is just trying to be helpful.

— It is revealed that prison overcrowding is being reduced by extending early release to sex offenders. The Home Secretary blames it on “a clerical error by a junior official”. This phrase joins “economical with the truth” and “spend more time with my family” as a national joke.

— The Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King, announces that he will not seek another term in office. “Friends” of Mr King say he is going because he has lost faith in the Chancellor and thinks the Government could have done more to prevent the economic slowdown. The Treasury briefs that it intended to get rid of Mr King anyway. The press believe the Governor.

— Stephen Byers publishes a pamphlet urging more progress on public service reform. He says that he is just trying to be helpful.

— An article in the New Statesman in advance of the reshuffle divides the Cabinet in two. Low-profile ministers are called “P45ers” while high-profile ones are called “leadership contenders”. The classification catches on.

Times Recommends

• Care in old age: we won’t pay, the State can’t
• Viewers’ choice: our talentless Everyman
• Memo to the poor: go forth and don’t multiply