Film 100

The humungous sadness of Britain’s fattest man

Like a child in his pyjamas, with toy Daleks and fizzy pop nearby, Paul Mason welcomed the TV cameras for a fee of £200

What use is a brain the size of a planet?

Stop swotting and turn on the television. The prizes go to the good-looking guy who everyone likes

The barcode is nothing to celebrate

It killed off the traditional shop and gave us the checkout girl. And what’s with a 57th anniversary anyway?

U-turn if you want to. I’ve turned already

Politics is soooo boring. What matters is that I’ve changed my mind about organic food, dogs, fat people and football

University is for sex. But I failed miserably

Higher education is full of angry academics who want to make up for long hours spent working instead of making hay

No one’s going to call me Lunchtime O’Booze

Poor old Keith Floyd. I don’t want to die at 65, befuddled and unfulfilled, like so many men with a supposed ‘zest for life’

I’ll never forget what Sophie whispered

You get yourself on to a TV game show – and then the awful things you’ve written come flooding back

The joys of cricket turned to ashes this year

After a dismal ‘yoof’-obsessed summer with no heroes and no one really watching, I think I’ll follow tennis next year

Newspapers, dead? Better monetise me now

I’m packing up my adjectives for a new life online, where I’ll be honing my tweeting, podshouting and blogorrhoea

Put on my dancing shoes? Fat chance of that

Obesity revolts me, but not as much as surrendering my identity to a jiggling mob. I won’t kowtow to the communism of dance

French car is not a runaway success

How a silly piece of design and some crass reading choices are putting a dent in my holiday enjoyment

The poor little mutt. But was it rude to stare?

I wouldn’t dream of gawping at a disabled person in the street. A mere dog, though, is just a thing bred for lonely people

My portfolio: off-the-shelf bargains

After Virginia Woolf’s beach and Beatrix Potter’s river, I can exclusively offer more literary landmarks

And lo, Dave Moses had a burning bush crisis

The Opposition leader may be related to the Israelite leader. He could lead us to the land of organic milk and honey

Sentimental bull about bullfighting

Doesn't Ricky Gervais know the animals speared in a ring have a better life than those bred for burgers?

All I wanted was a parcel. I got an earful

With Royal Mail out on strike there are no postmen around — but after my experience maybe that’s not a bad thing

Fright: the F-word explaining Ramsay

The celebrity chef's life seems to be in meltdown. But TV viewers don't see his fragile side

The British: tattooed and half-naked

The sweaty slap slap of flip-flops and ghastly bondage sandals: in summer we are a disgrace