The Specials

Fright: the F-word explaining Ramsay

The celebrity chef's life seems to be in meltdown. But TV viewers don't see his fragile side

The British: tattooed and half-naked

The sweaty slap slap of flip-flops and ghastly bondage sandals: in summer we are a disgrace

Let us go and feign our love of verse

Come on, admit it, you can only half-remember a couple of sonnets. The truth is we don't give a stuff about poetry

Forget the Ashes. This is how to play cricket

It's been a traumatic time for our summer sport. But a convivial reunion reminded me what the game is really about

Tie his kangaroo down. He's off to the beach

It's mind-blowing that landing a job as a caretaker in Australia should be considered the summit of Man's expectations

If I had a double, so many things I could quit

I'm with Beyoncé, Hitler and Kim Jong Il. It's the greatest perk in the world to use a lookalike to avoid an art gallery

I was always a Labour man - until now

The Tories are wooing me. I rode in a car with one last week and my inner Gollum thinks it could all be rather rewarding

Cleopatra, aged 2,078? A bit past her prime

From Noah's Ark to Camelot, our insatiable desire to get to the ‘truth' through archaeological digs diminishes us as humans

The Godfather Squirrel and a severed tulip head

The nightly riot of destruction by rodents has left me too tense to enjoy my garden. I may have to go and live on Mars

Do a pig a favour! Ban vegetarianism

People who don't eat meat are not just pale and boring. They are also suffering from an eating disorder

Nazism with paddles and Pimm's

It is impossible to take the Boat Race seriously: for a start, rowing is not even a sport

Let me count the ways I hate skiing

The danger, the boots, the chairlifts, the people, the food and, most terribly at this time, the deaths

Choccy tax? No, we need a blubber tax

Overweight people cost the health service a colossal amount. We should hit them in the wallet

Gazundered! I'm starting to feel a bit deflated

Let me get this right. If my house value keeps going down, soon I'll need a wheelbarrow of money to pay someone to buy it?

Ban all stinking dogs. Now

Man's best friends are no such thing. They are brutal, dirty and a primitive throwback

You won't get that high-flying job

The unemployed graduates of 2009 should be grateful that they won't be lured by fat pay packets

Whaddya mean you won't go on the swarm?

Scientists have found that locusts don't always want to live in groups. But then what insect-about-town does?