Smash hit

So it hardly matters that the split-pea broth with salt beef had almost no meat in it, was barely seasoned and was served at the temperature of a Black Country puddle. Or that the rib of beef was slack and cool, like chewing an old man’s face. And that the pheasant was barely hung and absolutely without flavour. It matters a bit, though, that when I asked the waitress what kind of oysters they were serving, she replied: “They are just normal oysters” (while downstairs in the market there’s a guy selling 14 different types of “normal oyster” from wooden crates).

And it matters a lot that the next morning I got an e-mail from a reader called Sarah, who had been lunching there and spotted me. First of all, she asks if I think it odd that a restaurant called Roast was unable to serve roast potatoes with her Sunday roast beef, having “run out” (despite her spotting, as she left, sacks and sacks of potatoes lying in a cage by the front door).

Then she says she was overcharged in two areas of the bill (which is standard practice in badly run restaurants) and then she asks me if I had a glass of Tokaji with my pudding. Which I did. And this is the most fascinating part of it. For, you see, Sarah had been told that they were down to the last bottle of Tokaji, of which only a glass and a half remained (I wonder if Gollum had anything to do with that). So she ordered the glass and a half. But they brought only the half. You know why? It was because by now they had sussed me for a restaurant critic. So when I ordered a glass of Tokaji too, they simply gave me hers.

And that is appalling. How do these people allocate the mingey dregs they call a wine list, then? Is it first come, first served, or not? Is it staff dibs and the punters can fight over what’s left according to rank? What’s the story? You treat me like a scumbag and then, when you find out I’m a critic, you treat another customer like a scumbag to butter me up. If these people don’t lay off the grog for a minute and learn a bit about service, then I fear Roast may not last the winter.

Roast
The Floral Hall, Stoney Street, SE1 (020-7940 1300)
Meat/fish: 7
Cooking: 5
Service: 0
Score: 4
Price: £50 a head as long as you drink only leftover booze.

Click here to book a table at this restaurant

Leon
12 Ludgate Circus, EC4 (020-7489 1580)
Meat/fish: 8
Cooking: 7
Concept: 10
Score: 8.33
Price: £25 for two with wine (I kid you not).

Dine
Took’s Court, EC4 (020-7404 1818)
Meat/fish: 9
Cooking: 8
Service: 8
Score: 8.33
Price: Three-course set lunch: £19; dinner: £30.

Cecconi’s
5a Burlington Gardens, W1 (020-7434 1500)
Meat/fish: 5
Cooking: 5
Service: 5
Score: 5
Price: £120 for two without grog.

E-mail feedme@thetimes.co.uk and maybe we’ll go out for lunch

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