Giles Coren
Download 'Too Hot', an exclusive Specials track from iTunes
At the recent memorial service for my old English teacher, Jim Cogan, a great scholar and adventurer, a fearless sailor, a defiant burrower into the dark heart of Africa, and a man who never, ever wore a cycling helmet, his friend James Flecker recalled Jim’s nighttime cycle journeys through London without lights, without helmet, suit trousers tucked into socks, a wobbling road phantom unmoved by intimations of mortality.
And he told how one morning, arriving at an office they shared together, he, Flecker, took off his cycling helmet and laid it on his desk. Then put down his flashing red and white lights. Then took off his high-visibility vest and was just removing the second of his luminous trouser clips when Jim, who had been watching this awesome display of road sense, sighed and said: “For the Lord’s sake, James, at least die like a man.”
I thought of Jim this week when I saw Boris Johnson apologising for cycling without a helmet, and promising to wear one in future. And I thought: “You big sissy. You frilly bloody great girl. You’ve gone and blown it.”
And he has, you know. He has let his guard down in the sweet minutes after victory and shown that he is as much a slave to the vain, modern quest for immortality as any vegan actress or eco-crazed old pop star. And is thus, now, utterly pointless.
I had thought Boris was one of us. I thought he grasped that eternal truth that to be unafraid of life, you must first be unafraid of death.
One of the great reasons for respecting Boris, despite everything, was his devil-may-care attitude to cycling. And, indeed, to everything. There are a lot of crap and embarrassing things about being an old-fashioned English toff, but fearing desperately for one’s life has never been one of them.
Boris looks silly, sounds silly, says silly things, and went to a silly school, but what he offered, we thought, was a sort of old-fashioned bluffness in the face of peril, the stoicism and wit of an Empire builder who would demonstrate, in these postImperial days, that there are other things that such a man can build. I used to look at Boris and think of Henry Newbolt: The river of death has brimmed its banks, And England’s far, and Honour a name, But the voice of a schoolboy rallies the ranks “Play up! Play up! And play the game!” But you can’t play the game in a polyurethane bonce-protector, Boris. That’s not how it works. (Indeed the very sport from which Newbolt draws his analogy, cricket, ceased to be a game for gentlemen at the very moment that batsmen began wearing helmets why should I pause in my busy life to watch the antics of men so femininely fearful of personal injury?) The cycle helmet is one of the great emblems of the failure of 21st-century manhood, like the seatbelt, and the gymnasium, and the low-fat diet, and the airbag, and the sunblock, and the one-aspirin-a-day.
It’s just so vulgar to treasure one’s mortal coil this brazenly. To wear so publicly one’s trembling, pasty-faced fear of death.
You mustn’t care if you die, Boris. Fear of death is for Them, not Us. To worry overmuch about the extinction of any human is a postEnlightenment vanity. There is no shortage of people. Least of all of people like you and me silly men, born to privilege, succeeding beyond all expectation on the back of a self-confidence to which we are scarcely entitled and opportunities we have not earned no shortage of daft buggers to step in and take your place if you crack your head on a lamppost.
Road safety is a mirage, anyway. I have never worn a cycling helmet and I never will. For it creates a false sense of security, not to mention making you look too unsexy to whistle at girls. For the same reasons, I have never worn a seatbelt in a car (and have the copious licence endorsements to prove it). It’s scratchy and annoying and pulls at your clothes. It creates a sense of cockpit security that encourages me to drive faster. And also it creases my shirt, which is a waste of ironing. I am very much with the chap from Rospa who said that the surest way to ensure road safety would be to mount a 6in spike in the middle of every steering wheel.
Get your helmet off, Boris. They voted for you because you don’t wear it. That’s your whole thing. Don’t listen to the wet-eyed mummies at the school gates or the Trots in the mayoral press office. Get it off. Play the game. And if there’s a bump out there with your name on it, then, for the Lord’s sake, Boris, at least die like a man.
Giles Coren has been a columnist for The Times since 1999. He began as a feature writer before becoming restaurant critic in 2001. His reviews appear in The Times Magazine on Saturdays
Win a luxury weekend to Newcastle and its neighbour Gateshead, find out more here
Risk, resilience and embracing new technology
Industry sectors news at a glance. Interactive heatmap, video and podcast
Discover the power of collective thinking. Submit a solution and be in with a chance to win a Media Hub Home Entertainment System
The inside track on current trends in the charity, not for profit and social enterprise sectors
Everything the Business Traveller needs to know to make a better trip
Make the most of the summer and enter our fabulous photographic competition, you could win a £5000 holiday
Corsica is an island of beauty and contrast, an ideal holiday destination
Enjoy further reading from Travel to Fashion, Business to Sport, discover more
Shortcuts to help you find sections and articles
The clever way to lease a new car is with Car leasing made simple™
2009
per month on 36-month
Personal Contract Hire (PCH)
2008
42850
Car Insurance
£24,250 - £30,346
MI5
London
£60,000
The Environment Agency
Bristol
Up to £90K
Boots
Midlands
OTE £85k
Credit Protection Association
Nationwide Opportunities
Completely London
Luxury Condo's in Manhattan with NYC views
The best new homes in Wimbledon?
Nationwide
Fabulous Cruise And Cruise & Stay Offers Including Virgin Atlantic Flights Prices Start From Only £699pp!
Last Minute Cruise And Cruise & Stay Offers. Med From £499pp, Caribbean From £699pp!
5 star quality at a 3 star price.
8 fabulous Canadian cities ...you won’t find cheaper
Contact our advertising team for advertising and sponsorship in Times Online, The Times and The Sunday Times, or place your advertisement.
Times Online Services: Dating | Jobs | Property Search | Used Cars | Holidays | Births, Marriages, Deaths | Subscriptions | E-paper
News International associated websites: Globrix Property Search | Property Finder | Milkround
Copyright 2009 Times Newspapers Ltd.
This service is provided on Times Newspapers' standard Terms and Conditions. Please read our Privacy Policy.To inquire about a licence to reproduce material from Times Online, The Times or The Sunday Times, click here.This website is published by a member of the News International Group. News International Limited, 1 Virginia St, London E98 1XY, is the holding company for the News International group and is registered in England No 81701. VAT number GB 243 8054 69.
Bravo! I too was taught english by James Cogan and he was a super chap.
As for Boris, listening to the whimperings of the nu-labour-ites, shame on him!
Tom Milligan, London,
We continue to admire Scott of the Antarctic and our admiration for Ellen MacArthur would have been diminished little had she perished in the attempt. But Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, hit by a truck while cycling to work?
Malcolm Martin, Lancaster,
What a pointless observation to make. 'Hilarious' too.
DC, London,
Wearing a helmet could so affect the outcome of a serious accident that the rider is left brain damaged rather than being fortunate enough to die. Wearing helmets may reduce the number of deaths but I doubt that it reduces the number of people left in a wheel chair.
Roger E., Cottingham, UK
It was during a cycle tour around the Western Isles in Scotland that I realised that my wearing a helmet on a hot scorching day whilst seeing only 2 cars per hour was not really sane. Any objective assessment of benefits against disadvantages leads one to the same conclusion as the Dutch.
Rod King, Lymm, Cheshire
I see a lot of comments here that appear to not understand wry humour.
John Blackley, Florida, USA
No helmet for fear of looking too unsexy to whistle at girls? Don't worry, the looks of a wolf whistler are not part of the equation for girls.
No seatbelt for fear of creasing a shirt? If is uncool to wear a seatbelt, how cool is it to worry about the ironing?
Interesting debate though.
Louise van Wingerden, Christchurch, Dorset
Cycle helmets simply do not protect you head from anything more than a graze. Even the manufacturers do not claim they will protect against serious head injury.
The only thing helmets do, is to discourage cycling.
Martin, Bristol, England
Helmets don't give cyclists the protection that people think. The facts & figures just don't support it. Cyclists wearing one may even be more likely to be in an accident. So it's not "just common sense" . There is tons of information on this - e.g. links on London Cycling Campaign website.
Rachel, London,
Mr.Coren,
I am concerned at your exhortation to eschew the use of sunscreen - here in Oz numerous people die needlessly from malignant melanoma and many tens of thousands are scarred for life by removal of basal cell carcinomas from their faces and bodies.
Many simply needed to use sunscreen!
Eddie Keane, Brisbane, Queensland Australia
Please come to Sheffield and visit a 10year old family friend of mine!
After playing out without a helmet one fine day last year, Jack has spent the last 12months learning to walk, talk, eat and every other normal activity you and I both take for granted!
He made the mistake of not wearing a helmet and unfortunately came into contact with a parked car. The end result was an airlift to hospital and a number of months in hospital!
Please venture up to Sheffield and advise his parent of your total lack of intelligence and respect for life with a view that in my mind should never see the light of day let alone print!
Steve Wood, Sheffield, England
Wearing a cycle helmet or safety belt is not a case of "fearing desperately for ones life". Surely, it's just common sense?
And anyway, the idea of a Mayor who endorses the prospect of his own mortality seems disconcerting and illogical how could he govern a large city six feet underground?
Craig Harris, Uckfield,
Quite right. The Queen would never wear a cycling helmet.
Malcolm McLean, Bradford, UK
Cyclists should be separated from vehicle traffic. Governments (and Opposition leaders) that bleat about the desirable "greenness" of cycling should make a lot more exclusive cycle tracks. Bikes and cars (let alone trucks and buses) don't mix. Then helmets become irrelevant.
david, Ligneyrac, France
Our 19 year old son, cycling without a helmet, was knocked down by a fool driver in London and is now so brain damaged he cannot eat, he is tube fed, he cannot talk or communicate, is in a wheel chair and doubly incontinent. Well done Giles. Aren't you just hilarious.
Tim Letts, Cambridge,
Last time I fell off, I got up and walked the eight miles back home. If I'd been wearing a helmet, I'd never have been able to avoid hitting my much-expanded head on the rocks. Who knows, the torque might even have broken my neck.
Nick, West Devon,
Poor Adam, wearing a helmet out of fear of a type of injury it is not designed to pervent. Like the aluminium foil deflector beanie, the plastic hat is an illusory protection against a largely illusory risk. But don't ride up the left side of lorries or buses. Now *that* is dangerous!
Guy Chapman, Reading / London, UK
I asked a Dutch teacher why parties of their schoolchildren can be seen cycling supervised but not wearing helmets. She laughed at our naivety. "They think helmets are uncool," she said. "They'd stop cycling and end up fat, unhealthy and dying young like British kids."
PaulD, Essex, UK
Giles, I suggest you go to an average surgical ward and meet the brain damaged people who were not wearing a helmet and then meet some people who are only alive because they were wearing one. Most accidents are not caused by the person who was hurt, so how does not wearing a helmet stop them.
Mark, Grays, Essex
Whether you end up with a bust leg or brain damaged basically depends on what way up you land! I never used to wear a helmet (they're not cool!) until I met up with an old friend who works for a charity dealing with head injuries, many from cycling. I wouldn't want to put my family through that.
Gideon Moore, London,
Real men don't ride bikes! Rather a chauffeur driven gas guzzling Bristol or Bentley, with in-car entertainment (preferably also blonde) and communications gadgets to while away the time surveying one's manor - and an honest will to pay the congestion surcharge local tax like the rest of us!
Mike L, Chippenham, Wilts
Adam and Simon, you miss the point. The place with the lowest rate of cyclist head injuries is the Netherlands and the Dutch don't wear helmets. There is no evidence that helmets do anything to prevent severe head injuries and those sorts of accident are way beyond their meagre design limits.
Tony, Cambridge, UK
Reminds me that a coward dies a thousand times and a brave man only once ... also about being better to die on your feet than live on your knees... brave words and I wonder that I am not enough of a man to live up to them (like Boris) and think we take the short term, easy, compromising way out .
Trevor Hogg, Brighton and Hove,
You have missed the point, Giles. I wear a cycle helmet out of fear of non-fatal serious disablement, not death. Being disabled is a much more likely outcome, and possibly preventable.
Adam, Oxford, UK
I've never worn a cycling helmet either, despite cycling everywhere I go in London.
I got knocked off by a bus last year. I bust my leg, but my head was fine. How would a helmet have helped?
Case closed.
Redcliffe, london,
Ummm... so severe head injuries are cool then?
Simon Holly, London UK,
It's not the possibility of death that makes me to wear a helmet. It's the thought of spending the next 20 years drooling in a wheel chair.
Glen, Melbourne, Australia
Giles,
My complments, You get it. You can truly see.
"The times, they are a changing..."
Eric, Boston, USA
In Australia you have to wear a helmet - even if you're cycling on a designated cycle lane without a car in sight. Put me off cycling.
Brisbane, Brisbane, Australia