Giles Coren
Download 'Too Hot', an exclusive Specials track from iTunes
It just isn't going to end, it isn't ever going to end. There are going to be new Harry Potter books coming out every year for the rest of my life. I just know it.
That blasted Scottish woman promised she was only going to write seven of them and then stop. But she lied. She just rotten lied, purely to push up the value of the ones she has published already. It's like the diamond market. She is the De Beers of literature, hoarding away tons of this intrinsically worthless stock, for which people have an inexplicable and very base lust, and trickling it out on to the market gradually, for billions, under the threat of an impending (and imaginary) shortfall in supply.
And as the price of Potter goes up, so the size of the books comes down (which is, at least, a blessing). Last year there was The Tales of Beedle the Bard, only 157 pages and with a print run cunningly restricted to seven books, of which only one came on to the market and was sold to Amazon (see that? sold to Amazon, not by Amazon) for £1.95 million. That's good business, that is.
After that Rowling clearly decided to see how far she could push the maths, and has now produced a book of only 800 words, written “in minuscule handwriting” on a single piece of A5. Eight hundred words! It's true, I read it in the Daily Mail on Thursday. Rowling has grasped that, with her stock this high, 800 is about as many words as she needs to write. If she has anything in common with her fellow writers (and she doesn't have much) it is clearly laziness. There is not a novelist alive who would not stop writing after 800 words, if he thought he could get away with it.
The book has been produced for a charity auction (I am not for a minute suggesting that Rowling is avaricious, just smart) and is apparently some sort of a prequel. Ooh, how exciting. It's Harry Potter before he could do magic. What is it, a Jennings book? But, come on, 800 words. Where will it end? The original Harry Potter books kept getting longer and longer (the crackhead lit-kids who came out annually to score them at midnight needing bigger and bigger doses to “feel something”) and now she is going the other way.
Will her next great oeuvre contain 400 words? 200? 83?
Laurence Sterne risked a single blank page in Tristram Shandy (as well as one black one). Georges Perec made a bold stab at a full length novel with no “e”s in it (and Gilbert Adair made an even bolder stab at translating it - lipogram intact - from French into English). B.S.Johnson put a lot of loose pages in a box and said it was finished. But the great pranksters and innovators of the past will have to hold up their hands and admit defeat ifRowling truly makes a go of the one-page novel.
And what of all the great novelists who never got around to banging out prequels to their greatest works, for fear that they didn't have much to say about events before the narrative began, or thought they didn't have enough time for such a craven endeavour?
Little did Charles Dickens dream that there might be two million quid in a bit of paper that said: “Congratulations, Mrs Twist - it's a boy!” And perhaps Herman Melville would not have lived such a life of penury if he had had the nous to publish a prequel to his most famous work featuring a single scene, in which a couple walk into a Nantucket bookshop, the wife clearly eight and a half months pregnant, pick up a book of baby names and open it randomly at the letter “I”.
Hell, if they'd followed the Rowling model the blokes who wrote the Book of Genesis could have scratched “It was a dark and stormy night” on to a scrap of papyrus and moved to California.
And who is to say it will end here? Who knows how far Rowling can take this? How short can she go?
When I am asked in future “Have you read the new Harry Potter?”, will my usual defensive lie - “I'm halfway through but not really getting into it, I'm afraid” - be met with a raised eyebrow and the admonition: “But it's only two words long”?
No doubt, as her final great gift to literacy in English, Rowling will eventually produce a novel that comprises a single piece of paper - valued at £90 million - on which is written simply the word: “Wizard”.
And no doubt, as some wealthy but barely literate teenager pores over it for endless hours in her suburban bedroom, her parents will say defensively: “Well, at least it's got her reading...”
Giles Coren has been a columnist for The Times since 1999. He began as a feature writer before becoming restaurant critic in 2001. His reviews appear in The Times Magazine on Saturdays
Win a luxury weekend to Newcastle and its neighbour Gateshead, find out more here
Risk, resilience and embracing new technology
Industry sectors news at a glance. Interactive heatmap, video and podcast
Discover the power of collective thinking. Submit a solution and be in with a chance to win a Media Hub Home Entertainment System
The inside track on current trends in the charity, not for profit and social enterprise sectors
Everything the Business Traveller needs to know to make a better trip
Make the most of the summer and enter our fabulous photographic competition, you could win a £5000 holiday
Corsica is an island of beauty and contrast, an ideal holiday destination
Enjoy further reading from Travel to Fashion, Business to Sport, discover more
Shortcuts to help you find sections and articles
The clever way to lease a new car is with Car leasing made simple™
2009
per month on 36-month
Personal Contract Hire (PCH)
2008
42850
Car Insurance
£24,250 - £30,346
MI5
London
£60,000
The Environment Agency
Bristol
Up to £90K
Boots
Midlands
OTE £85k
Credit Protection Association
Nationwide Opportunities
Completely London
Luxury Condo's in Manhattan with NYC views
The best new homes in Wimbledon?
Nationwide
Fabulous Cruise And Cruise & Stay Offers Including Virgin Atlantic Flights Prices Start From Only £699pp!
Last Minute Cruise And Cruise & Stay Offers. Med From £499pp, Caribbean From £699pp!
5 star quality at a 3 star price.
8 fabulous Canadian cities ...you won’t find cheaper
Contact our advertising team for advertising and sponsorship in Times Online, The Times and The Sunday Times, or place your advertisement.
Times Online Services: Dating | Jobs | Property Search | Used Cars | Holidays | Births, Marriages, Deaths | Subscriptions | E-paper
News International associated websites: Globrix Property Search | Property Finder | Milkround
Copyright 2009 Times Newspapers Ltd.
This service is provided on Times Newspapers' standard Terms and Conditions. Please read our Privacy Policy.To inquire about a licence to reproduce material from Times Online, The Times or The Sunday Times, click here.This website is published by a member of the News International Group. News International Limited, 1 Virginia St, London E98 1XY, is the holding company for the News International group and is registered in England No 81701. VAT number GB 243 8054 69.
Rowling's contribution to child literacy was that it got kids interested in reading, period. Thousands of children who hated reading read HP and were inspired to read works by other authors. Your argument holds no water and is an irritating string of complaints. And at least it's not Twilight...
Billy, Halifax, Canada
makes? children? happy?
jana, prague,
I was just searching for Harry Potter news, hoping JK Rowling was writing a new book, and found this website. Who is Giles Coren? Whoever he is, why would he say these nasty things about someone who has created wonderful books to encourage children to read? I loved the Harry Potter books.
Yvonne, Pueblo, CO, USA
As the children's gernre has clearly become uninspiring for Giles Coren, perhaps it's time he traded in his junior library tickets and climbed the big steps to the adult section. This may open new areas of interest for him to explore.
Simon Bailey, Camden, London, England
A woman gets a whole generation waiting for her books, makes children all around the world happy, is able to raise money for charity with just 800 words (mark of a genius, I say) and gets abused by mediocrity! At least she cashes in on her own creations, rather than riding on other people's fame!
Latika Mehra, Bangalore, India
The key element that seems to be overlooked here is that J.K. Rowling is only producing these additional Harry Potter works FOR CHARITY! Is it so wrong for her to keep spinning tails of Harry Potter if it means she can bring in millions of dollars for charities? Well I personally don't think so.
Margaret, New York City, USA
Very funny!
Linda, Los Angeles, USA
Personally I love JK Rowling. Her style of writing keeps me engrossed in her books and I can't put them down. I would love for her to write more books about the life of Harry Potter. Before and after Hogwarts. Congrats to her, and I hope she keeps it up.
Heather, New York, USA
Its disgusting the way in which JK is attacked in this article. She was a single mother with barely an income and yet you vilify her for doing something productive and inspiring children and adults alike to read. Yes, she made a fortune in the process, good for her!
Becky, London, England
it'll be in a book, which will be published in August :x. JKR said that on her website
pom, HN, VN
She didn't chose how long the story was, the book (with pages by many famous authors) had on post card sized pages and each author wrote on one. She said she wrote it about Harry Potter because that's what she thought would make the most for charity, and she would be right.
Carmit, Thornbury, Australia
Get it right, EC. 'For Sale. Baby Shoes. Never Worn.' Uncle Ernie sure knew the value of a single word., 'Baby' is the killer in that short story. And If Sam Beckett had lived another couple of years he'd have gotten down us to the five word, I novel, I'm sure. Viva, JK, say I.
Hugh C. Rae, Glasgow, UK
Like other people said i would be happy to read really short books about Harry Potter, but i just wish that they would go on sale instead of having them auctioned off at ridiculous prices.
Alana Roberts, Peterborough, UK
It is all like "The Emperor's New Clothes". If what is written is not of any merit then why buy it, empowering the writer and lining his/her pocket? Celebrities can put their name to anything these days and make money. Only a discerning public can stop this nonsense by not buying the name.
Sarita Ormrod, Stratford upon Avon, UK
Do you really think this way or were you told to write negatively? This isn't about Rowling not being able to give up Harry or want to write about Harry till her fingers fall off. This is for charity. It's 800 words, hardly a novel, about his father and his father's best friend.
Leah, Easley, SC, USA
How completely dreadful of her to write a short story for a postcard book that is going to raise funds for charity, through the auction and copies.
Fair play to her. I'm an unabashed Jo Rowling and Harry Potter fan and I for one hope that she continues writing in the Potter universe.
Emma, Northampton, UK
Well done Jason for pointing out Jo's nationality- it amazes me how she is continually referred to as Scottish! She loves Scotland, and lives there now, but is English. Jo wrote the 'words' for charity, the books get better as they go along. Giles- are you trying to wind us Harry fans up!?!
Emma, Staffs,
Also gotta add that it may just be a short story, but I dunno about anyone else, but I'd be happy to read about James and Lily Potter and all the others before Harry's time, even if it is only short. I would enjoy it. I only hope it eventually comes out on sale as I've heard it's being auctioned off
Gemma, Shrewsbury,
A novel has a new plot. Hence the name. Whilst a firm distinction cannot be drawn with the short story, a short story describes one incident rather than the development of events over time.
Malcolm McLean, Bradford, UK
The shortest was by Ernest Hemingway, who wrote "For Sale. Children's shoes. Never worn."
eric campbell, harrogate, uk
> That blasted Scottish woman <
Rowling is English.
But back to your point Giles......surely *any* of us may do with our creations what we wish? And if others delight in our creations - big or small - why spoil their delight?
Jason Paris, Newcastle, Australia
As a technologist, used to precise terminology, I'm confused. Can any of you passionately literary folk please explain the difference between a 'novelist' and a 'short-story writer'; and between their oeuvres?
In my naivety I would have supposed this to be just a (very) short story, not a 'novel'.
David, Bristol, UK
Personally, I'm sick of the women and Harry,too. I loved the books, inspite of the fact that by seventh one you wanted to shout "get to the point, already!" but enough is enough. She seriously needs to let go of the thing and get a life. Leave something to the readers imagination, for goodness sake!
Lynn, Philadelphia, USA
Just like paintings. Put a name to them and Christies sells them at ridiculous prices.
geert, cape town, south africa
Wow... such jealousy! A popular writer produces a short story for a charity auction and suddenly the literary world faces Armageddon? Pull yourself together!!
Chris Lewis, Sydney, Australia
One detects a hint of envy....
James , Leamington, UK
I love JK's rise from the pits of poverty but guess I must be one of the few who think that 'Harry Potter' is a pile of crap. I tried to read the 1st novel amidst the media euphoria and found it akin to 'Billy Bunter'. The 1st movie was even more banal. Lucky yes, literary genius, I don't think so.
Steve Payne, Valencia, Spain
She wrote it for charity. deal with it.
She can do what she wants to, It's not up to you what she does with Harry its up to her.
Amanda, iowa, USA