IN TOWN THIS WEEK to promote his new film, Melinda and Melinda, Woody Allen was asked why he never appears in other people’s films. He replied, “I’m never asked. I don’t know what I’m considered to be. An odd specimen in some way. I can act to a certain degree . . .”

Never asked? Can this be true? I always assumed that Allen’s absence from some of the great movies of the past 40 years was because he was turning the offers down. Was he not, then, Scorsese’s first choice for Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull? I thought De Niro had been brought in at the last minute because Allen didn’t like the look of all the fatty food he’d have to eat to bulk up for the second half of the movie. Just as I imagined that Allen was penned in as William Wallace in Braveheart until his dermatologist told him that the topical application of woad can cause eczema.

Unable to believe that my favourite actor was not the first choice for a number of major motion pictures, I went to the archives and dug up the original treatments for some well-known films that prove my suspicions correct . . .

Rocky
Wood Allen is Rocky Balboa, a no-hoper from Philadelphia who gets an unlikely chance to fight Apollo Creed for the Heavyweight Championship of the World. He trains like a demon for his last shot at glory, mumbles a lot and goes ice-skating with a girl who works in a pet shop. On fight night he just wants to prove he can go the distance. Alas, he is killed after 17 seconds by the champion’s first punch.

Star Wars
The Federation fights a heroic battle against the Empire. As Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca and Princess Leia prepare for the final conflict, Han Solo (Woody Allen) disappears in the Millennium Falcon. Luke thinks that Solo has lost his stomach for the fight. He’s right. (Woody will also dramatically turn out to be Darth Vader in the sequel, Return of the Rabbi.)

Butch Cassidy
Butch Cassidy (Paul Newman) pulls off a series of daring and hilarious robberies across the Old West all on his own, The Sundance Kid (Woody Allen) having long ago gone back East because the hot weather in the desert makes him feel dizzy, and with freckles like his he could end up with a melanoma the size of a bagel.

Titanic
Woody Allen’s cheeky working-class stowaway quite reasonably shags posh Kate Winslet, 47 years his junior. At the first sign of trouble with the iceberg, though, he hops into a lifeboat and rows to safety, leaving her to die. As Celine Dion bellows out the movie’s heart-stopping theme song, My Heart Will Go On, we are treated to a hilarious sequence as Woody tries and fails to master the rudiments of rowing, going round and round in circles and splashing a lot as hundreds drown.

The Passion of the Christ
Judas (Woody Allen) goes to the Garden of Gethsemane at the head of a great multitude with swords and staves from the chief priests and elders of the people, saying whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is He. Alas, the weather is humid and Judas’s glasses have got all fogged up. He accidentally goes over and kisses Simon called Peter, who is carted away and crucified. Jesus lives to a ripe old age by avoiding fried food and bicycles, and develops a passion for gin rummy, which is what this movie is about.

The Karate Kid
Bullied schoolboy Daniel LaRusso goes to the mysterious oriental guru Mr Miyagi (Woody Allen) to ask for help in learning the martial arts that will help him fight for his survival. Alas, the only oriental art Mr Miyagi knows about is origami. He shows Danny how to make a yarmulke from old bus tickets and the bullies back off out of respect for these mysterious folding powers. (The original working title, The Origami Kid, was changed when Allen dropped out).

Toy Story
Woody Allen voices Woody, the talking dreidel, who is miffed when his owner buys a cool new Buzz Lightyear toy. But when Woody discovers that Buzz’s real name is Ben Leitbaum and that they grew up on the same block in Brooklyn they become great friends. (When Allen dropped out with hay fever and was replaced by Tom Hanks the Jewish angle had to be dropped. Wags at Dreamworks nicknamed the new version Goy Story.)

A River Runs Through It
But if you think Woody Allen is going in there without water wings you’re out of your mind.

WOW, SPRING. On Tuesday night there was a snail trail on my garden path, the first of the year. On Wednesday they started cutting the grass on Hampstead Heath and the smell of it was everywhere. And then on Thursday I left the house in just jeans and a T-shirt for the first time since September, 2004. I was walking down Kentish Town Road and kept stopping because I was sure that I’d forgotten something.

The world feels different when you’re not wearing a coat. It’s the loveliest analogy for freedom there is. And there’s months of it ahead. The football will go away. We can turn off the central heating. And then there’s the cricket. The Aussies are coming. And we’re going to mash ’em.

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