Iconic Films

2 for 1 tickets to Singin' In The Rain, this coming Monday. Book now

Navigation - link to other main sections from here

From The Times

April 30, 2007

The good news is that divorce is increasing

Carol Sarler

When it comes to matters marital, none but the staunchest of the cynics among us disobeys the programmed response: weddings mean all things “hurray” (bells; flowers; sex) and divorces mean all things “boo” (pain; turmoil; lawyers). Strange, yet agreeable, therefore to enjoy a warm and fuzzy twinkle upon learning from the Office for National Statistics that the divorce rate is up again – but that this time the rise is solely attributable to one category: the increase in the number of people, and in particular the number of women, who are filing for divorce after the age of 60. For how can this, really, be other than good news?

It is illogical to suggest that their unhappiness is greater than that of the married sexagenarian of ten, twenty or even fifty years ago, given that the contributing factors to wellbeing remain equal: duty, as previously, has been done in terms of “family values”; the children are suitably raised and gone; the job is finished and the mortgage paid; the pension is earned and the carriage clock handed over; he is bald with the requisite paunch and she is lined with her breasts gone south.

And although we should be careful to rule nothing out, it is – how shall we put this? – less likely than it was in younger years that either is experiencing the ravages of hormonal madness wrought by the lust of a new infidelity.

All we can conclude, therefore, is that – as analysts have suggested – the rise in divorce is largely the result of older women being happier to strike out on their own rather than remain in unhappy marriages. In other words, unlike their mothers and grandmothers, they are taking stock, finding wanting and deciding to b****r that for a game of soldiers.

That they should have come to an awareness of their dissatisfaction was in many respects inevitable: where women once dropped, exhausted, at the end of their “useful” years, now if they reach 60 in good health they can sensibly look forward to another quarter-century of reasonably active life. It is not surprising, then, if they take a good long second look at whom they are expected to do the time with and wonder if until-death-do-them-part really is expected to apply to the old guy who has been boring and snoring them senseless for years. The Darby and Joan they dreamt of as the confetti flew would have been lovely – but Darby and Joan, sadly, they are not.

That they should act on their dissatisfaction, however, is the real triumph; perhaps, even, one of the proper legacies among the many muddles of the latterday women’s movement. To spring both partners from their unplanned, but mutually constraining, domestic dreariness takes a strength, independence, courage and optimism that until now has just been too much to ask. Salute the escapees, I say: go, girls, you go. And whatever you do, don’t look back.

The cynical view would be that as the wife is entering her sixites, her husband, both because of his lesser life expectancy and likely later entrance into matrimony, is reaching a period of greater dependency and frailty. No longer feeling bound by "in sickness or health", his spouse eshews waiting to become a "merry widow', instead becoming a "merry divorcee"! Thius, another rational reason for marriage has been lost.

Phil Andrews, San Diego,

The divorce rate is down around 8% but with a very small increase in the over 60's age group. So this is good news indeed! But if a woman whose hubby has fled and taken the financial purse strings with him, then it is up to the woman to petition for divorce so that the finances can be legally sorted out and vice versa. This may not be reflected in the statistics.

People who are married tend to be happier than those living alone and even recently divorced people usually say that they would like to find love again and get married in later life.

For someone who deals with the unhappiness of divorce on a daily basis via Divorce Aid, these are happy statistics indeed.

Christina Tait, Rutland, England

H. Butcher - Of, course, marriage really is all about the men, and only good when the wife is young, pretty and has the singular goal of making sure he believes he is the centre of the univers. Of course, no good wife would ever earn money herself to support her family, because that would make her husband less of a man. Naturally, women don't 'work themselves to the bone' by being a mother, as it's all roses and sunshine, and making sure that the home life of a family is perfect is SUCH a walk in the park. Ensuring new humans grow up to be good and moral and having the blame placed upon your shoulders if they turn out differently is no big thing. Of course, ALL women force their husbands to inseminate' them because men never want to have children as well.
And of course, as all marriages you've experienced are one way, that means ALL MARRIAGES are so. There is no problem with induction. Domestic abuse does not exist. Every baby's wanted. All men can support their families alone.

Mwezzi, Glasgow,

Why are the marriages turning so fragile ???? Few decades yonder the institution of marriage was considered as rock steady as the Gibraltar , but today we merrily talk of marriage as fluffy and amorphous as a Candyfloss. The family values are broken and we are living on the edge, and keep thinking of separation and divorce even at a blink of some trivial rift or a marital strife .Psychologists believe that this change is due to self independence, financial security and liberated ideas among women. The level of tolerance is diminshing with the age and time, and couples prefer to live their own lifestyles with no social and family bondages. Level of filial love, attachment to kids and siblings is low down to the nadir, so divorce seems to be the most imminent and sureshot solution to all matrimonial problems. The new age concept of "live-in" relationships without tying nuptial knots, and becoming non-biological moms through adoption are the vogue trends of our times. Good or bad news?

Sandy, New Delhi, India

I wonder, Duncan, why you assume that the woman is 'running away with money she stole from her husband'? The number of women, both young and old, who are earning their keep these days is up, and in some cases the woman is earning more than the husband - in such a case, it'd be the man getting her money, but I'm sure that's not 'stealing' in your book. Furthermore, what this article doesn't actually address is why the divorce rate is actually up, apart from dissatisfaction with the current partner. But that's usually the case for ALL divorces, be they initiated by the man or the woman. So why, sir, do you assume that the women are only divorcing for the money? Why not because of adultery, by either partner? Marital abuse? And agreement by both that the magic is well and truly gone from the pairing, and that both would be happier going off with a fresh start?
Remember, too, Bill, that marriage happens after sixty, and divorcees now will not necessarily be alone later.

Mwezzi, Glasgow,

The ravages of time affect both sexes but strangely enough any man that divorces his wife due to her declining charms would be judged by a very different standard. A dirty dog trading in his lifetime partner for a younger model. Men need to adopt the new language of the multikultists, any wronged wife would then be able to "Celebrate the opportunity" of being dumped rather than complain.

John King, London, UK

Your article made me want to cheer! I'm 57, and have been on my own for nearly two years; I may be alone, but I'm not lonely.
Yes, it took courage to leave, but not half as much as it would have taken to have stayed in a relationship that just wasn't working. My ex and I are good friends; if I'd stayed much longer, we'd have ended up hating each other.
By the way, my children seem quite happy to see me on my own!

Gloria, Jersey, Channel Islands

We cant win really can we? Either we are happy in marriage and "traded in " for a younger model or else we joyously skip off and we are accused of breaking up the home & ripping off our husbands. I think its great that women finally have the independence and the ability to leave an unhappy situation, something men have done since day one. From the comments above you would think we were still in the Edwardian era and women were still chattels. Please-- before you bring out the tired line of what "feminism" really means, do your research, I am a feminist and happily married, but I maintain the means to support myself and so does my husband, neither of us would have it any other way.

Its interesting that the comments talk about the money women have supposedly "stolen" from the husbands-- in no other situation, would forty odd years of child-rearing and domestic labour go unrewarded than in marriage. Really -- why is it that women are always suppose to work for nothing?

Great article

Rispah Skovijk, Utrecht, Netherlands

The notion of women 'trapped' in unhappy marriages is utterly bogus. Almost every marriage I know, mine included, was prompted by the female partner. And after the big day, men are the ones who invariably suffer most: forced to inseminate their wives, watching them lose their looks to the ravages of parturition, seeing their own position as Number One Object of Affection usurped by infants, work themselves to the bone to feed and educate said infants, then die early as the result of the above. Now you're applauding wives who desert the heroes who happen to survive all this and reach 60 alive? I knew I should have heeded Pat Butcher's words on Eastenders some years back: "Men. Spend all those years trying to find one. Then the rest of your life trying to get rid of him."

h. butcher, santa paula,

When I asked my sweet, loving grandmother how she wanted to celebrate her impending Golden Wedding anniversary, she said sadly, "How do I celebrate fifty years of being married to the wrong man?"
She never once complained during her entire marriage, and bore her unhappiness silently.
Who would wish that upon a woman today?

Narguesse Stevens, Montaigu-de-Quercy, France

Great article. And many thanks to Times.
"Salute the escapees, I say: go, girls, you go. And whatever you do, don’t look back."...LOL.
What an attitude.. escape with the husband's money
And I doubt very much how the divorcees (both wife & husband) live after this...Instead of pointing why the divorce is rising and giving some practical solutions on how to correct it, the author glorifies the same......
I wonder how Times is allowing these kind of authors to publish their article....God save the Queen..

Gopinath, Reading,

It's hard to tell how old Elizabeth of London is, so one can't be sure which generation she feels has nothing but lazy, abusive adulterous husbands. I'm 60 so my parent's generation are today's 80 - 90 year-olds and I certainly can't agree that all men that age match her description - quite the reverse. If, as I suspect, she is a comparatively young woman her parents must be of my age of less. Those of us who were teenagers in the 1960s and later were the ones most subjected to the stident feminism of those years. Has it not occurred to her that this might be the reason that so many such men ceased to care for and respect their partners and think only of them as a facility to be 'upgraded' as and when desired? That is what feminism has taught women to think of man, so don't complain when the 'complement' is returned!

Bob Finbow, Haverhill, England

Well, it just goes to show - It's not just YOUNG women who are stupid enough to believe that everything in life can and must be perfect all the time! Do they really believe that ANYONE, male or female, enjoys a life of absolute bliss every moment of every day? And does such bliss come with the severing of ties with the person with whom they have raised a family and spent most of their adult lives? Yet again it is the endless dirge of "if it's not perfect, dump it and hope all will be better". Marriage is anathma to most feminists so it's no wonder they crow over it's disintegration, but I would truly like to see some properly conducted research into just how happy the outcome is long-term, once the novelty of having no-one but yourself to consider wears of, and the inevitable reduction in income starts to take effect. With the exception of good old Bill Rees-Mogg, I don't think the Times employs any but rabid feminists and left-wing agitators!. Just how representitive are they?

Bob Finbow, Haverhill, England

What an appalling article! I thought women were supposed to be empathetic, but that evidentally does not apply in Carol Sarler's case. Behind many of these divorces will lie many lonely people in their old age.

Richard, Kidderminster, England

Gopinath, Reading,

It's true the other field always has much greener grass. But I wonder how many of these women remain happy with their new found independent and single lives as 60 becomes 70 and 70 becomes 80. So few elderly people get to spend much time with their grown up kids and grand kids these days as it is that, if elderly divorce really is a growing social phenomenon, it seems more folk are heading for even lonelier old ages.

Personally Carol, I find that a strange thing to rejoice in. I actually find it rather sad.

Bill, Sheffield,

Sexism...??? All women I know from my parents generation, without exception, had to put up with adultery, raising children alone and lazy, selfish husbands at the cost of their own happiness. I take my hat to all women that have the courage to search for happiness, either alone or with a new partner. Life is too short to live inprisoned. We all have the potential to live life to the full, I hope we have the courage to do it as well.

Elizabeth, London, UK

You can tell without even looking at the name that this article was written by a woman.

Only women celebrate divorce and family breakdown, and most absurdly of all, only they talk of divorced women going it alone when everyone knows divorced women's "independence" is invariably funded by all the money she managed to steal from her ex-husband.

Duncan, England,

This doesn't match my experiences as a former divorce lawyer. Most of the older women clients I acted for were divorcing their husbands as a result of adultery on his part - trading her in for a younger model usually.

Just as women today are younger and more vital at 60 than their mothers and grandmothers, so too are men of 60. The common thread amongst my older women clients was that they had been discarded for someone at least ten years, sometimes as much as 25 years, younger than them.

At a time when they were looking forward to retirement with their life partner, they were instead faced with the upheaval and financial uncertainty of divorce. Usually the family home would have to be sold, because, as is common these days, it was where most of the family capital was tied up and if the children were grown and gone, the wife would be expected to move somewhere smaller to release the equity.

I doubt many of these women would have considered divorce to be 'good news'.

Jan O'Leary, Buckhurst Hill, Essex

After reading this I wonder why men are usually the ones accused of sexism.
AS Malaga

Adam Sargent, Malaga, Spain

What a moral cesspit the nation has become. It is one thing to understand people who break vows, maybe in the face of poverty, violence and infidelity, but this article actually celebrates it.

Malcolm McLean, Bradford, UK

Yeah, go girls, by all means and whilst your "going" have a think about how going would pan out if you were not given half his pension, house, etc.....if u want to impress society do it under your own financial independence. Its no wonder marriage is finished, its a vampyric situation males are finally awakening too. Shame.

ben, London, UK

Divorce is never 'good news'. To leave someone after a lifetime of sharing the ups and downs of life is a sad and desperate thing to do. Love between long-standing partners is about trust, loyalty and shared experiences, not about the other's entertainment value. 'The old guy who has been boring and snoring her senseless for years' was there when she needed him in the past and will be there for her until he dies, just as he promised when he married her.

Harry, London, UK

But it's still a rich person's hobby innit? I mean, two homes, when some people can't afford one; and what was that about mortgages paid, job finished? You should get out more and meet some real homeless unemployed people. They can't afford marriage, let alone divorce.

Ralph Lane, Southampton, Britain

Why not wait a bit and ask them when disease starts to bring them down and nobody wants them.
Its fine being proud etc. but not much help when you can't bend to cut your toenails.
In other words - get real.

john cramer, strathfield, australia

The author of this article will certainly not object if I point out that this complete lack of guilt on the part of women at the prospect of abandoning their life partners will certainly be good for the goose as well. She used to be so beautiful. I wonder if I would've stuck with that rock climbing I was into, if she hadn't been so demanding of my time so many years ago. What was the name of that guy who climbed Kilimanjaro at 70? I could've done that. Maybe I could talk her into taking up SCUBA diving with me? Probably not... she's never been into outdoor stuff. Instead of working together with our companions to find a way to enjoy our twilight years together, lets take our que from the younger generation, and buy into the instant gratification mentality. Abandon your lifelong companion if they seem a bore. Why not? It's not like you're liable to find yourself feeling vacant and alone as you lay dying.

Oliver Jamison, East Cleveland, U.S.A. / Ohio