Ann Treneman: Parliamentary Sketch
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John Reid tried out an entirely new personality in the Commons yesterday. The man they call Dr Demento was making a huge effort to seem sane. He didn’t bully. He didn’t rant. Indeed, his calmness was almost frightening. But then the entire event was strange. After all, he’s going in 20 days. That’s hardly time to organise a leaving do, much less a counter-terrorism Bill.
Maybe he’s given himself the statement as a going-away present. But again there is something strange here, for he won’t be around to do anything he talked about yesterday. For, suddenly, late in his career, Mr Reid has discovered consensus. He plans to consult just about everyone over this: the Opposition, the police, the spies, the cleaners. We will all have a role in crafting the John Reid (Retired) Counter-Terrorism Bill. It won’t be out until autumn, the perfect season, because both the leaves and Mr Reid will have fallen by then.
He was trying very hard, because his movements were so restrained that I assumed he was wearing some kind of body corset. But it was obvious that it was an act because, like a kettle, he needed an escape valve. What gave him away was the twitching of his shoulder and head. This was quite pronounced. At times, he was almost like an involuntary break-dancer.
It must have hurt that Gordon Brown (20 days for him too) had said most of it earlier in the week. Gordo even said that he wanted to consider extending the 28-day detention for terrorist suspects. The Shadow Home Secretary, David Davis, was as pious as a church mouse about this: “It is very, very regrettable that the incoming prime minister has during this process of consultation preemptively made announcements.”
Mr Reid twitched as he stood up. He was not going to let Mr Davis (or Gordo) get away with this. His voice had a deathly calm as he murmured that he was all for extending 28 days. And so was Tony Blair. And, oh yes, that other chap, the incoming prime minister (which makes Gordo sound like a plane).
Michael Howard skulked up, fangs at the ready. He’s loving his twilight days as the House’s pet vampire. What, he wondered slinkily, did Mr Reid think about the Chancellor’s statements? For, he noted, wasn’t the Chancellor an “old and close friend”?
Twitch, twitch. Mr Reid confirmed that Gordo was indeed a very old and very close friend. Mr Reid had said it all before, so had the Prime Minister and Gordon. Indeed, they were talking all the time. (I actually began to feel sorry for Mr Reid when he said that.) Mr Reid added, with a level of formality that was almost painful to hear: “It is absolutely appropriate that the person who will inherit the premiership of this country should be fully engaged in the biggest issue facing this country.”
The new home secretary is going to have a tricky time over 28 days. MPs were muttering about “internment” and noting that the Attorney-General had said an extension could not be justified.
Mr Reid, his poor neck in serious need of whirlpool action by now, answered in a voice of pure silk. “He takes a legal view but, you know, lawyers and legal officers are not the only people who have to make decisions about legislation. That is why in a democracy we elect politicians.” Parliament, not lawyers, knew best when it came to making laws.
This is more than a touch poisonous. I’m not sure the new personality can last 20 days.
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