When on holiday in Lancaster, I noticed a whole section of about 6 shelves in the WH Smith there dedicated to "Tragic Life Stories", and WHS are not the only ones...

Paul, Ashby, Leicestershire,

The huge outpouring of 'grief' and the leaving of flowers, toys etc began with the tragedy of Jamie Bulger, it wouldn't be quite so bad if the flowers were unwrapped instead of being tightly encased in paper and therefore just looking like a lot of litter.
I remember a friend of mine being amazed that I was working the day after Diana died. I told her that I reserve my grief for people that I know.
None of this stops me from feeling sorry for the loss of a young, or not so young life, but as I have lost people close to me I cannot grieve for others in the same way.

Carol, Cheshire,

I think the grief might be even deeper than Carol Sarler or some of your readers thinks. It all looks very shallow I admit, but could this be the best that a spiritually starved generation can muster.

Could we all be secretly mourning the passing of our own innocence and reliving our own guilt. I think I'll withhold judgement and reflect a bit more.

Albert Bogle, Bo'ness,

Thank you Carol for expressing so succinctly what I have long felt. It is right that people feel sympathy for those who are suffering the terrible loss of a child. But aren't these public expressions of 'grief' (which it isn't) related to the current phenomenon of a form of exhibitionism? Those who on a train speak on their mobile to their lover or have an argument or say they'll be home in 10 minutes are really saying, 'Look at me. This is my important life and I want to express my feelings and for you to know about them.' Doesn't taking part in a public expression of an emotion which cannot be genuine except for those immediately involved convey a similar message?

Anne, Twickenham,

Ersatz Grief; the new drug of choice?

Sean, Chatham, U.K.

All started with the death of Diana, Princess of Wales
and has rapidly gone down hill over the last ten years.

n_evil, Nice, France

If you want a lesson in forgetting the past, take a look at what has been done in Iraq, in our name. People should remember.

Of course, there are extremes..but to grieve is to be human and if they choose to do in public, it's their right. I find it incredibly offensive that you choose to call it pornography; that's not a dictionary definition, that's something you've assimilated with grief. Which is sick.

This week, I shall share memories of those who are not here to give their opinion..I'm talking about those people who died when some sicko's flew two planes into the twin towers. If you don't want to share, don't bother. But don't attack people who choose to remember the dead - it's not pornography it's real life.

William, London,

Said exactly what a feel! A pleasure to read some sanity at last on this madness. Very well written too.

Paul, Maidstone,

I agree entirely. Well said and much needed.

Helen, Newcastle,

Well done for such a well written article that expresses the views of 'sane' England.

When the Soham children were killed even attendees at Southampton football stadium stood for a minutes silence for children they could not have known. After the 'tribute' the crowd resumed their local hatreds by singing about killing the Pompey Scum.!

What happened to private grief

Chris, Southampton,

Carol I have often disagreed with what you write but I support you so strongly in this. People genuinely touched by tragedy will grieve each in their own way; those on the periphery must not feel coerced into a display of whatever happens to be currently fashionable and emotionally correct. At the age of thirteen a classmate of mine was murdered. I knew him, and to this day I can barely make sense of what happened. Back then, I didn't cry or wail (unlike slightly older girls, who didn't even know the boy but wept noisily in the corridors) and was accused of being cold and uncaring because of it - probably by people like 'Beejay' who confuse quiet, undemonstrative grief with indifference. I, with other children, had to line the route of his funeral cortege and attend a mawkish memorial service led by a smug vicar who wittered on to raw, confused children about forgiveness. To this day I believe the way we were obliged to respond did us great harm, and made a terrible situation worse.

Anne Ronald, Birmingham, UK

Yes, yes, yes. I just lost my father and I don't want people who never knew him to pretend their loss equals my family's. And I especially don't want children being used as PR puppets to promote their parents' moral credentials. A quiet, dignified and short expression of condolence or tribute is fine and all that is required if the death did not directly affect you.

I think it has something to do with victim worship. If you are suffering, you are admired for your strength and triumph over adversity. Vicarious "sufferers" want the world to know of their great struggle and torment. Real sufferers are miserable enough, thank you, and just want to grieve and then try to behave in the dignified manner befitting the deceased.

Rachel, London,

I think people who wallow in public grief are really feeling sorry for themselves. There's an element of showing-off too - a wearing of the heart on the sleeve as if to say "look at me the emotional, sensitive soul." It's doing wonders for the floristry business though!

John McIntosh, Edinburgh,

it's the media i'm afraid - television, magazines, newspapers - they have to fill it up with something and sell, sell, sell their product. remember it's all about money, and misery sells

Mike, Bristol,

Well said Carol Sarler. There is a distinction to be made between being indifferent to tragedies and being caught up in a media manipulated outpouring of sentimentality. It appears that we all want to be actors in a national drama scripted by news editors and played on the television stage. Genuine grief is private and should not be confused with feeling sympathy for those directly affected.

seamus mcneill, Belfast, UK

And I thought I was the only person thinking that this 'grief by proxy' was distasteful. Though I must point out that much of the fuel poured on the fire of this manufactured mourning is produced and encouraged by News organisations who's endless coverage of what should be private affairs sickens me.

John, Hambleton, North Yorkshire

I agree with every word that Carol Sarler has written.

Note to Beejay, Paris, France. Just because one doesn't weep and wail at the funeral of someone one has never met doesn't mean that one is indifferent!

As a mother I can say - yes, it's very sad that this 11 yr old boy has been shot and killed and I feel very sorry for his parents.

I wouldn't presume to grieve for him though. How could I? I didn't know him.

Sarah Brent, Tavistock, UK

An excellent article. I'm not sure whether the writer knows of H.L. Mencken, but please see the quote below. Bear in mind it is 90 years old - it gets more true every day.

"Civilization, in fact, grows more and more maudlin and hysterical; especially under democracy it tends to degenerate into a mere combat of crazes; the whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by an endless series of hobgoblins, most of them imaginary. "

from In Defense of Women (1917) by: H. L. Mencken

Joe, London, UK

Thank you Carol Sarler, absolutely right on all points. I'm ashamed to be British these days

David Jones, Tring,

I couldn't agree more. I have found the degeneration of our national resilience starting with the death of the Princess of Wales and growing with every unfortunate event since, utterly sickening. I am thoroughly ashamed of what my country has become - a pathetic 'wailing widow' for everyone else's grief. But I do not see any indication that things will get better. These national displays of weakness are promoted by the press and all political parties at every opportunity. I am just thankful that, as a man of 60, I will not have to endure a whole lifetime of this national decline into whimpering victimhood.

Bob Finbow, Haverhill, England

Although I wholehearted agree with Carol Sarler's views on grief pornography, and the potential harm to children by exposing them to adult excesses, I do think she is conflating two quite separate issues when she brings in the issue of children attending (or not) the funeral of a loved family member. My children (aged 3 and 6) recently lost a much loved grandfather and because my husband is Dutch, they experienced this in the usual repressed British way. To their credit the Dutch are as matter of fact about death as they are about sex. My father-in-law lay in his bed for 5 days, with the children laughing and playing in the room next door. When they wanted to say goodbye they picked flowers from the garden and put them by his bed. They attended the first 10 mins of the funeral, then went to play outside. It was natural and honest, but not frightening or confusing. To put young children attending funerals in the same category as 'grief pornography' seems extraordinarily narrow-minded.

Janet, Aberystwyth, Wales

Societies need collective rituals to hold them together. We have almost none left. So we turn to manufactured rituals. And the people who manufacture them get dragged into an arms race of sensationalism and bad taste (as Louis B Mayer knew, nothing else sells quite like bad taste).

This particular form of manufactured grief has the additional benefit that anyone who reacts to it with a perfectly natural disgust is immediately labelled as "strange" and someone whom it's perfectly acceptable to alienate ("he didn't weep over Holly and Jessica, maybe he's a paedophile too?") - providing those unifying targets for scorn that our society has also lost in these allegedly post-racist days.

Ian Kemmish, Biggleswade, UK

Thank you. Please spread this message as widely as you can so we can get some common sense back into our culture.

Chris, Northampton,

Some of the demonstrations are mawkish indeed, but I would hate to live in a society that was indifferent to such tragedies.

Beejay, Paris, France