BBC stars are reported to be up in arms over plans to make them reapply for
their jobs, submitting CVs and 200-word supporting statements explaining why
they deserve to be employed. The truth, I understand, is that they have been
only too happy to participate in the exercise. Indeed, some of the earliest
applications have already found their way to my desk.
MARK THOMPSON
Job: Director-General
In my job as a visionary I face a huge number of very difficult challenges on
a daily basis and I believe I have risen to those challenges in a way that
has exceeded my own and everyone else’s expectations, preparing the BBC for
a mass migration into my vision of the digital age and all the challenges
that means.
I am focused on making brilliant, outstanding, excellent content with
brilliant, outstanding, excellent people. There may be fewer of them, making
fewer programmes but they will be brilliant, outstanding, EXCELLENT
programmes.
Single. Minded. That’s me. Steely.I will not be distracted by people storming
off in a huff because I failed to get the increase in the license fee that I
requested. I will not allow a brilliant, outstanding, excellent programme
such as Blue Peterbe destroyed by a tiny row over a pussy.
We live in a world of stark realities. When a junior member of staff is guilty
of Editing Crime, they must show a level of professionalism, do the right
and honourable thing and hang themselves out to dry, especially if it saves
the skin of a more senior visionary.
I will not be distracted from my mission by tittle-tattle about my weird ties,
my lackadaisical approach to grooming and whether or not I once bit a
colleague who interrupted me while I was reading my horoscope in the Daily
Star. This is all nonsense, but did I storm off in a huff? No, I continued
to rise to the challenges and work on my brilliant, outstanding, excellent
visionary thing.
JEREMY PAXMAN
Job: Newsnight velociraptor
Why do I need to fill this in? Why do I need to fill this in? Why do I need to
fill this in? Why do I need to fill this in? Why do I need to fill this in,
Mr Thompson? Why do I need to fill this in? Why do I need to fill this in?
Why do I need to fill this in?
I note that you’re not answering the question of why I need to fill this in.
I’m sorry, I’m going to be frightfully rude, I’m sorry, but it’s a straight
question which requires a straight answer. Why do I need to fill this in?
With respect, that is not answering the question of why I need to fill this
in. With respect, you haven’t answered the question of why I need to fill
this in. Uh . . . we’ll leave that aspect there.
Why am I surrounded by turds?
FIONA BRUCE
Job: News anchor
It is really a lot harder than you think. If you only knew what goes into
reading the news. I mean it! When you see that the next item on the auto cue
is about something jolly serious, such as terror, or war, you have to make
sure you have a really solemn face so that people know that they are going
to hear something bad and then you have to look hard at the camera and put
on a very serious deep voice. But then the next item might be something
terribly funny about the Queen or a new panda cub, so you have to carefully
switch to a smiley face and let your voice sound all up-beat. It can be
really hard making sure you do the right face with the right story and the
right voice with the right face. Sometimes I don’t know whether I’m coming
or going. And don’t even get me started on making sure that I’ve got my
eyebrow painted on properly. That’s another story!
JONATHAN ROSS
Job: chat show host
I normally do things just for the huge amount of cash. I’ve made some good
shows and I’ve made some dweadful shows. Am I worth a million a week? I’ve
got hungwy mouths to feed and four poofs and a piano to pay for. Normally,
I’d rather have chewed my own arm off than sit down and do this, but as
you’ve caught me in the gween room and you’ve got the tape wunning, I’ll
tell you how it was. That interview with David Camewon when he nearly
admitted that he had a tin-tank in the shower thinking about old Ma
Thatcher. Did Paxo bwing you that? Did Humphwies? Did they ‘eck. Will that
do? OK, that will be 10 grand.
BRUCE FORSYTH
Job: skirt-peeker-in-chief
Nice to see you, to see you – Nice! What a fun idea from the BBC. It’s time to
meet the stars of our show, whoever you are, and today the star is - me.
Strictly, why do I deserve the right to Come Dancing? Well, Brucie’s price
is always right. People wonder how I still keeping going at the age of 119.
Don’t worry, I’ll beat the clock! I’m the joker of the pack, which makes me
such a lucky jack! Hire me again and you could win a Brucie Bonus – Wow! It
could still be a lucky night if you play your cards right. Don’t touch the
pack, we’ll be right back. What a lovely audience, much better than last
week!
TERRY WOGAN
Job: National Treasure
Why me? Because I’m the best. The others are all eejits. Also, I’ve been doing
it the longest, and daily broadcasting is all about familiarity and
repetition. I think my reign will continue. As long as there are more old
people in Britain than young people, I’ll be OK even when the rest are
banjaxed. I don’t give a monkey’s about people knowing how much I earn. It’s
a lot of money, but it’s not as much as some abject failures on TV get –
mentioning no names. There’s been a lot of talk about those moleskin
trousers I wore on Points of View. No, I am not Linford Christie. But
there’s life in the old geezer yet.
So merciless with Ming
I’ve always liked Ming Campbell. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet him a few
times and he’s good company; clever and witty, hugely knowledgable and
reasonable. A class act. OK, so his dress sense was from another world and I
can see that his trembling hand was not a huge electoral asset. But it is a
sad reflection on our obsession with youth (an obsession that is starting to
obsess me, I admit) that the Lib Dems in their wisdom felt they had to eject
him. Perhaps in the longer term the party will find a poll-boosting young
leader but in the short term the way they have decapitated Ming can have won
them few friends. The sight of the deeply unappealing Simon Hughes telling
the world that the invisible Ming had resigned was enough to put anyone off
voting for his party. I once spent a day with Hughes in his constituency,
during his doomed bid to be London mayor. He is clearly a diligent MP. At
one stage a woman he had helped with an immigration problem literally threw
herself at his feet and clung to his ankles, weeping with gratitude. All
very moving. But I was left just a little suspicious that she had been at
the head of the queue of constituents at his surgery when I arrived with
him. Give me a Minger any day.
A degree of change
Alarming news for students: plans are afoot to change the system of
classifying degrees. Out will go firsts, upper seconds, lower seconds and
thirds and in will come a system that will be “more meaningful” for
employers. The problem is that 60 percent of students get firsts and 2:1s
and it is hard to know how able they really are. The upper second is the
degree that most employers want, and it covers quite a range. Those of us
who were told by their tutors that they had “scraped” into the 2:1 category
will thank our lucky stars we are not going to university today. Sounds like
hard work.
