Fancy a career as a plumber? They say you can earn £80,000 a year. Or maybe you'd like to be a mechanic. You'll need training. No worries; I can tell you how to get what you need, courtesy of the taxpayer.

Just slash my car tyres. Don't worry if you don't have a knife; you can always give someone a good kicking in the street instead. But if you don't fancy having assault on your CV, you might care to ram raid a shop and nick a few plasma TVs.

I'm referring to a pilot scheme that has started in Derbyshire, called Skills Builder. Young offenders are sentenced not to prison, not to labouring for community service but to...being taught skills.

According to one of the scheme's advocates, Janet Hickey, of Derbyshire Probation Service: “Many offenders aren't job-ready, they aren't motivated. They've got no qualifications and they don't feel as if they can compete in the workplace. So this course is about preparing people for the world of work.”

Phew. Our schools might not be able to manage that basic task any more but we needn't worry because, so long as school leavers know how to throw a punch or break and enter, the Probation Service will step in and put them on a special course.

What a genius idea: break the law and get free job training. That's not punishment; it's a reward. But then much of the criminal justice system long ago stopped being about justice and started being about the criminal.

On Saturday my front tyre was slashed. I had parked a few paces from a newsagent and was walking along the street when a gang of young thugs walked up to me. “Buy us some fags,” they demanded. I ignored them. “Buy us fags,” they repeated with an increased air of menace. I ignored them again and walked into the shop. By the time I had come out, they had disappeared, leaving a parting gift of a slashed front tyre.

I haven't reported it to the police. What's the point? The police can't even be bothered to deal with assaults. In my previous experiences as a victim of crime - two minor assaults - the police did precisely nothing, not even stirring themselves to follow up the incidents with me. They'll probably simply laugh if I report a punctured tyre.

Even if this time they do their job and track down the tyre slashers, the only punishment the thugs would receive is a slapped wrist.

Oops. I forgot. Punishment isn't appropriate. The poor dears are doubtless demotivated and need to have their self-esteem boosted. It should come as no surprise that, at the end of the Skills Builder course, the participants are applauded as they receive their certificates.

Welcome to British criminal justice in the 21st century. Commit a crime, be put on a training course, and then be applauded.

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