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From The Times

March 29, 2008

Gordon Brown: Stalin to Has-been

There's his penchant for reviews and dithering. Then there are the sat-nav problems

Ann Treneman

I hope you don't mind but, before I start this, I just wanted to ask you what you think about how I should start this. I mean I've got a few ideas. Not terribly well thought out. I want to write about dithering, you see. David Cameron keeps saying that Gordon Brown is a ditherer in the same way that he might say that Gordon Brown is an axe-murderer. But is dithering so bad?

Oops, sorry, got off track there. Beginnings. Hmmm. Yes, well, so tell me what you think. If I were Gordon Brown, at this point, I'd probably set up a review to find out what you thought. Is that such a bad thing? Obviously it would be for my Editor, who'd have to wait three months for the focus groups to report, but at least at the end of it all we'd know something about how I should begin a piece on dithering.

Pause. Deep breath. Start again.

OK. So that's what's wrong with dithering. It's irritating for everyone but the ditherer. I could have gone on for many more paragraphs except that I knew that I was already on borrowed time with you, dear reader, and that after one more sentence of shilly-shallying and dilly-dallying, you would shout “Just get on with it woman!” and throw the paper down in disgust.

Yes, disgust. That is how most people feel about ditherers. I have tried to think of the upside of dithering and I have come up with precisely nothing. The truth is there are no positive role models for ditherers. We see them only as comic figures, frightened of their own shadow, desperate to avoid responsibility. For those who dither there is no redemption, no salvation, no last-minute reprieve at the pearly gates. At least axe-murderers have done something with their lives.

All of this is very bad news for Gordon Brown. Only a year ago, no one would have dreamt of calling him a ditherer. Instead, they called him other things that seemed much worse. He was branded “psychologically flawed”. Then there was Macavity. And the Great Clunking Fist. Or, my favourite, Stalin: who was, of course, a mass murderer.

Mr Brown may not have liked these names but they all, except perhaps psychologically flawed, infer that he is a man of strength, power and mystery. And, in the old days, this is exactly who he seemed: a thrashing angry bear of a man who crushed all in his wake. I wouldn't have been surprised to hear that he prepared for Treasury Questions not by crunching numbers but by crunching heads.

The Tories were convinced that this growling grizzly was, actually, the real Gordon. Their attack plan, when he became Prime Minister, was to hammer home the message that he was a Great Clunking Fist. Labour took this and made a positive out of it: the slogan at their party conference last autumn was one simple word, “Strength”. It didn't do much for me (at first I thought it said Strewth) but I could see why Labour thought it might do something for the country.

In retrospect, this campaign was the end of “Strength” and the beginning of “Strewth!” For that conference was a masterclass in dithering. The election flicked off and on like a faulty light switch. But the real damage came afterwards when Mr Brown refused to admit that he had, actually, dithered.

This was obviously crap (sorry but it's the only word that does it justice) and it raised questions about the man. Other traits, previously overlooked, loomed larger. Why were his travel arrangements so chaotic? Why couldn't he decide what time he was going to go to Lisbon to sign the EU treaty? Why couldn't he make a decision about something that small?

Then there was the Brownian habit of setting up reviews. At first, his desire to set up a working party, review or forum to look into any and all questions seemed refreshing. Tony Blair's bronco-riding management style was more suited to the rodeo than No 10: basically Mr Blair decided what he wanted (the Iraq war, supercasinos, 24-hour drinking) and then developed a strategy for getting there. Mr Brown approached decisions from the other end: he set up a review, headed by an expert (he adores experts) to gather masses of information. Seasons change, people grow old, and, eventually, a consensus grows until - sometimes - a decision is formed.

Suspicions were growing that the Prime Minister had “issues” with decision-making. These were confirmed by the Northern Rock crisis, the lost discs, the bizarre Abrahams funding scandal with all those women named Janet. Finally, amid all this mayhem, Vince Cable stood up during PMQs one Wednesday in November and remarked: “The House has noticed the Prime Minister's remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to Mr Bean.”

The collective belly laugh was instantaneous and, looking back, fatal. To his credit Gordon at least looked alarmed, which made him look, yes, like Mr Bean.

The Tory dither campaign began months ago. In the first week of February, David Cameron opened PMQs by demanding: “Can the Prime Minister tell us how many reviews he has set up?” The PM jumped up, knocking over his water glass (Mr Bean!) and said: “There have been a number of reviews and it is right to do so!” At this Mr Cameron told him there were 52 reviews and then taunted: “Who is the source of this dithering or does the Prime Minister need a bit more time to find out?”

Every week Mr Cameron plugs away with his “dither and delay” strategy and it is beginning to stick. For, like all the best slurs, there is truth in it. Just as alarmingly for No 10, there also seems to be an almost uncanny growing resemblance between Mr Brown and Mr Bean.

Take, for instance, this week's little local difficulty with the Palace. The “Gordon gets lost at Windsor Dinner” story was the the main topic among hacks as we waited for the Brown-Sarkozy press conference. It raced round the room like wildfire, causing much mirth and eye-widening excitement.

We all heard about how the Queen, who apparently loves a little drama, had noted drily: “The Prime Minister seems to have got lost.” The Sarkozy leant forward to say something, only to be told that the flower arrangement was bugged. Then he turned to Carla and said: “That's Gordon!”

No, that's not Gordon. That's Mr Bean. A bumbling man who can't even get from his car to a dinner with the Queen. A man who needs a sat-nav to find a chair. A man who specialises in creating chaos out of order. Dither, dither, dither. Oh dear, oh dear. Mr Bean is going to have to do something about this. Where's Stalin when you need him? Perhaps it's time to set up another review.

American voters - just remember if you vote for Obama in November, you too will be writing similar complaints in 2011! Remember how Gordon Brown "bright, unpretentious, a "new breeze" in British politics? Well, now we know the truth, the much maligned Tony Blair was responsible for the positive acheivements of New Labour.

Barack Obama's supporters, if they succeed in making him president, will find that the extreme liberalism he proposes will further damage the US economy. He would have two years of slowly dimming adultation as the multiple promises turn slowly to disappointment and despair.

You have been warned - think twice about electing the senator with the most liberal voting record to the presidency - especially since he has no executive experience ....

Andre, Portland, USA

Interesting comments. perhaps we may be lucky enough to see the total unravelling of the disastrous Nulabour project. The voters have been so easily fooled by rising house prices and the appearance of affluence.The grim reality of Britain after Labour will leave many in a state of shock. What a list !Mounting debt the hiousing market stalled (HIPs anyone?) ,nio money or gold reserves in the Government's coffers, massive dependance on imports of food and consumer goods and the speculated against Â£ in free fall against the Euro, new tax hits for the poor and car owners with highest ever tax levels,, highest fuel proces in Europe, a cave in to the EU Lisbon Treary with no referendum, and of course immigration, immigration, immigration.Not a pretty picture.-poor old England.

david, uzes, france

If people vote for someone they tend to stick with them, even if they prove disappointing, for quite a long time. The Goldseller either forgot or did not know this (no Review? ) so he has no underpinning of people reluctant to admit that they were wrong.

R James, Clifton, UK

"This was obviously crap (sorry but it's the only word that does it justice) "

People are so used to swearing nowadays that they genuinely believe that they have to. They believe that they is no alternative word to use.

Rubbish, madam!

John, London,

Gordon Brown is not good enough to be the Prime Minister. He usurped the post using the Labour Party and by levering out Tony Blair. It is worth noting that he has not been elected. By that I mean by anyone. He did not face any internal challenge and has not faced the electorate. He really has no mandate. John Major faced two heavyweight alternatives and James Callghan in 1976 faced four. Major went to the electorate after 16 months but it seems Brown will wait for upto 30 months if he feels like it.

Brown behaves as if the last 11 years didn't happen. He walked into No.10 saying something like "let the change begin" but what change? What is it he hasn't done? What was it that Blair did not do?

His cabinet is really poor. There are no serious members. I think that Labour will lose heavily. With no new Tony Blair in sight, there are signs that its core vote is eroding to perhaps 25% or less than 7 million votes. This is half the vote Major won in 1992. An epitaph indeed.

Tim, Leeds, England

I agree with the statement above. Our National Government has become redundant and we should scrap it forth with. Self serving bunch of people with limited real intelligence, very little policy and NO VISIOIN at all. Finish it please and save our selves a fortune..

John Albert , Lisbon , Portugal

The Labour Party shot itself in the foot when they allowed Mr Brown's accession to PM as a 'right of passage' following Mr Blairs departure, illustrating their lack of instinct in economic affairs. Many of us could see that the sustained high level of borrowing and asset inflation brought with it many risks especially when combined with increased public spending. If they had put in a PM with some understanding of economic affairs they could have altered course and perhaps helped the situation thus gaining the at least the repect of the voters.

Chris Stuart, Carentan, France

As David Williams alluded to Von Manstein, I shall quote the man.

"there are only four types of Officer.

First there are the lazy, stupid ones. Leave them alone, they do no harm.

Second there are the hardworking intelligent ones. They make excellent staff officers, ensuring that every detail is properly considered.

Third there are the hardworking stupid ones. These people are a menace and must be fired at once. They create irrelevant work for everybody!!

Finally there are the intelligent lazy ones. They are suited for the highest office."

Hmmm, hard to imagine where Gordo sits in that firmament eh???????

Nazi General outs Gordo as stupid and irrelevant. Sounds good to me!

Gareth, Bath, England

And yet... everyone back in 1993, including Mr Brown/Stalin/Bean, agreed he was not the best person to lead the Labour Party.

The surprise being expressed that everyone was right is, well, surprising.

John Bowman, Sarlat, France

First GB should accept there was a problem with the FSA's stewardship of Equitable Life and do something about it. (compensation)

Stop taxing the Pension Funds which has caused mayhem.

Apply moderation to the open ended inflation proofing of Civil Servant/MP's pensions, i.e apply a cap based on what is commercially sustainable for the vast majority of the Electorate.

Close the bars during Parliament Sittings, so we don't have the spectacle of half sloshed MP's turning up at major debates for the sport. If the bars were closed who knows we might get a better attendance in the House at other times!

Do we need Parliament if Brussels makes the major decisions, why not leave it to the and our Town Halls. Look at all the money we would save ,an what a terrific site the Palace of Westmimster would make for a Travel Inn, much more useful than its present use.

William, East Cowes, England

Well, it's the same old story everyone is promoted to a position of incompetence.

Dave Madley, Alicante, Spain

My preference is for a lazy, intelligent person. How sad that, as a nation, we have to settle for an industrious incompetent.

David Williams, Eastnor, England

Pure magic Ann, as usual. But next time please give us a dance class intro on how you visualise that Come Dancing phenomenen, 'Gordon and His Brown Trousers', Doing the Dither at the Despatch Box. eg
'You put your thumb nail in, you pull your thumb nail out,
Chew a rancid expert and then you spit him out.
Shilly to the left, shally to the right,
Wiggle with your dreft, waggle with your kite,
Ahhh, that's what it's all about.
Oh, Oh, The Dainty Dither, Oh, Oh, etc, etc

John, Glos,

Capturing the mood. Wonderful.
What would Spitting Image have made of poor Gordon?

Sally C, York,

Great piece, but see Times Style Guide for difference between infer and imply.

Neil McF, Southampton, England

Please help. I am in a perpetual dream where I am an audience at a recording of Yes Minister. The problem is I can't wake up, all the jokes are constantly repeated and have gone from being unfunny to absolutely frightening.....heeeeeeelp

Bob, Warrington, cheshire UK

Growling grizzlies don't chomp fingernails like Gordon does, ditherers do, we could have known this all along

Peter, Doncaster, UK

Not sure about the analogy between Gordon Brown and Queen Elizabeth 1. She was a queen, Gordon I think is not, nor even a king.

James Elliott, Eastbourne, UK

Thank you very much for the laugh, Ann. I enjoyed that.

Only problem is that the man's a ruddy menace as well as an unwitting clown.

As Chancellor he sowed the seeds of destructive debt for individuals and the state.. He did this through poorly thought-out changes to financial regulation and poor control of public spending. He possibly believed his own publicity about prudence.

So here we are, older and wiser, and for the the time being he is still here, dammit.

Peter Thomas, Godalming,

I normally cannot be bothered to read your pieces but I may change my mind after this one - excellent

David Cartright, Birmingham,

This mans dithering explains why he never resigned when he Blair were always at each others throats, clearly the man didn't have the guts or the confidence to think he could get back in .

As for the multiple reviews & enquiries, they are an utter waste of tax payers money, why ? because this dreadful PM ignores their findings if they don't agree with his viewpoint !

This government has done more u turns than a smoker trying to quit !

maggie millington, brittany, france

Of course there is one great example of a ditherer "wot done good" - Elizabeth I. She dithered over war, Mary Queen of Scots, whether to marry and yet she was one of the truly great monarchs.

Will, London,

An excellent piece, Ann.
May I suggest a combined national review committee for such matters as the EU constitution, defence deployment and expenditure, democracy and personal liberties, taxation, the general economy, etc., and to bring in cross-party experts and even the public and the media?
It could be called the "General Election".

Mike L, Chippenham, Wilts

Classic case of a technician over promoted to General Management. Happens all the time. Diligence, hard work and intellect are necessary but insufficient for good performance at the top of organisations.

John Bull, London,

Brown follows in the footsteps of several other PMs who've waited in the wings in the expectation of being as good as their predecessors, only to find when they finally emerge from the shadows that they're hopeless in the task at Number Ten.

Think of Anthony Eden following Churchill, Alec Douglas-Home following MacMillan, and Callaghan following Wilson. Brown is of their ilk, but the problem is ... who on earth is going to succeed him as Labour leader? The Brown cabinet is choc-a-bloc with talentless nonentities, and all the talk a while back of David Miliband becoming leader now looks risible.

K Philips, London, UK

"Brownian motion" is the erratic random movement of microscopic particles in a liquid or gas as a result of continuous bombardment by the molecules of the surrounding medium - sounds like a good definition of dithering.

Tim Cecil, Dinan, France

It is only a whisper at the moment but there is talk up here in the oil rich far North that G Brown may be losing support in his own constituency.It will be no real suprise however because since taking over as PM he has been exposed as a power hungry ditherer.The inability to call an election was his downfall and the electorate are unforgiving in such circumstances.As it stands he could even lose his seat.
I think he will hang on till the last moment to call an election.Just like John Major had to do.He still lost it and Brown will too.

martin, Dundee, Scotland

We missed our chance in March 2007.

The implications of Vladimir Putin stepping down from the Presidency were beginning to be discussed. Who would replace him?

Surely, his particular brand of dourness and his fondness for over-long speeches would recommend Gordon Brown in a country which positively insists on control freak leaders.

And of course Tony Blair was just a few months away from stepping down, himself. The surreal possibility that David Miliband should replace him evaporated without us making the obvious leap -- think what a tonic the no-nonsense approach of a Prime Minister Putin would have been to the UK's body politic. No pussy-footing around there, the national interest comes first.

To think, what could have been ...

David Moss, London, UK

Brownie's the man! How dare u dis him!

Michael Ellwood, Coventry,

get him out back to obscurity where he belongs!!

Albert Hall, kettering,