In theory Twitter is the democratisation of media, boiled down to 140 deftly carved characters. In reality it's a car boot sale of the mind, with celebrities and “civilians” alike putting their every thought on rickety tables for everyone to pick over listlessly.

The one thing that held it together was verité. These were real stars tweeting from inside stuck lifts (Stephen Fry) or TV studios (Phillip Schofield). Now, however, we have a sham, wrapped in a dupe, inside a tissue of lies. It has been revealed that the rapper 50 Cent is too busy to write his own Twitter updates. He gets Chris Romero, his “web guy”, to write for him. While hardly up there with finding out that Santa Claus doesn't exist, this is a big letdown for the 230,000 people who signed up to his daily insights.

Romero defended his boss, saying that “the energy of it is all him”. The irony of 50 Cent not having the energy to type a few sentences is clearly lost on him. It is also suggested that Britney Spears leans on a ghost tweeter and Kanye West, who firmly holds that a gesture only counts when it is an ostentatious one, has two Twitter blog-butlers.

But more celebrities should have their own Twitter editors. The worst offenders are all from the world of music. P. Diddy (using the nom de tweet iamdiddy) tweets prolifically in a way that suggests a postmodern parody of his public image. In cracked syntax and punctured punctuation he talks about his “Pwtitty family”, throws exclamation marks around like confetti at a Vegas wedding and incessantly belches out his “LETS GO” (sic) catchphrase. It's all delightfully hilarious, but I don't believe this is intentional.

Then there is Courtney Love (aka courtneylover79) whose tweets read as if she is shovelling the alphabet into a cement mixer. It could be that her postings are a digital Rosetta Stone that will unlock a 21st-century collective consciousness. Or they could just be words as angry bees lost in a maze of their own making.

It would be crass to suggest that some stars use Twitter as a public cry for help, but they certainly need help to make their postings fit the medium. That could come from Twitter itself, which is looking for a “VIP concierge”. Really. The site wants “a ‘high touch' point of contact” for celebrity users “to make sure they are happy, using the product effectively etc”. Not before time.

This coincides with Twitter moving to charge for the use of its platform. This “concierge” will inevitably try to increase the number of celebrity users, thereby increasing traffic. This will only deliver more diction destruction unless the concierge takes the red pen to all tweets before they are published. We can but dream.

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